Your tone seems assertive and forthright (a refreshing change of pace from the poor-me, victim tone that one often encounters), and I'm really not getting a big chip-on-the-shoulder thing. You sound like you're at that place that my late husband used to describe (he was a pilot), "I'm out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas."
I agree with LP. You sound like someone who is basically functioning at a high level and therefore you seem attractive. You are way ahead of the game than many people on this BB. All you need is some information and a change of perspective and I think you will be able to resolve things in your relationship quite well one way or the other.
What if you were reading a sex manual and you discovered that your technique for giving hand-jobs was all wrong because you were unconsciously thinking that a penis was just like a giant clitoris? Basically, you are making a mistake in terms of sexual psychology along those lines. You are operating in what I call "lioness" mode. Your sexuality is strong, assertive, hungry, on-the-prowl etc. A man who is in really strong "lion" mode would be able to meet you on a level playing field and the sex would be quite strong. OTOH, you could easily find men who would like to be dominated and would "fall" sexually to your lioness but you probably wouldn't like this yourself on a regular basis. I know many very HD women but I don't know if I've ever met a woman who really gets off on being a dominatrix.
Partly what you are doing is unconsciously "modeling" masculine behavior for your H. Men read this as either competitive or insulting. I completely understand that you mean no harm by doing this. I've made the mistake myself. You probably just feel like you are trying to be "fair" in your relationship. You're thinking "I do all these great things for him why can't he do great things for me?" but he just sees it as you jacking up the level of competition.
So what you need to do is get yourself out of "lioness" mode and into either "monkey" or "bunny" mode (There is a 4th mode which I call "cow" mode and it has some value in a relationship but it won't get you laid very often.) When you drop down from "lioness" into "monkey" mode, it's like you are becoming less assertive and more playful. Most men who are feeling reasonably strong will want to f*ck you in "monkey" mode because although psychologically you are playing boy to his man the fact that you are relatively small, feminine in appearance and playful rather than aggressive will cause men to read you as "cute" and "wants to be f*cked" When I'm in a good mood I am naturally quite "monkey". My current lover is pretty "strong" so mostly he finds me quite amusing and f*ckable in that mode.
Getting to "bunny" might be tougher for you (as it is for me.) Think about it this way. If you have any sons you know that young boys are frequently very sensitive and high-strung. In order to assume their adult gender roles they are taught to toughen up. Let's say a 10 year old boy wants to play with Barbie dolls. Can he go up to his best male friend and say "Let's play Barbies." No. However, he can go over to his little 4th grade girlfriends house and watch her play Barbies. This is kind of a lame analogy but maybe you can see where I am going with it. When you act "bunny" a man can relax his masculine posture because compared to you he is masculine. Of course, the problem with being in "bunny" mode is your own sex drive will be pretty much non-existent. You will only be "willing" or "responsive" but not "horny" or "desiring". So just consider it a way of psychologically "doing" a man sexually.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
