I am writing to you all from Germany (hope my englisch will be good enough to make you understand my current dilemma). I am 33 years old, mother of a 8 year old daughter, single Mom since about 7 years.
Last year in June, when I just decided to open up my own business - a bar with regular cultural events - I met my man (we're not married, but it always felt like it). He was out of work at that time but also had experience in gastronomical affairs. I only liked him as a friend first and it was not impossible for me to give him work in my future bar. But by the end of a month, I realized that I really cherished the time, we spent together and I fell in love with him. We experienced something none of us had experienced before: We so much loved each other and we were so happy to spend time together, that he moved in with us straight away. He gave me a lot of support in raising the bar-project and by the end of last year it had turned into OUR project. It all felt very new, very stressy but very good.
We opened the bar in January - and from the beginning, it was a full success. But from then we did nothing but work work work.... There was hardly any free time left for each one of us. We spent most of the time at the bar (from morning till middle of the night) - either both of us or one of us, coz the other one then would have to take care of my daughter.
I had though realized that he was regularly drinking his 6 beers at least every evening/night. No matter if we were at home or at work. As my aim always was, to stop drinking, as soon as we would have the bar, I naturally thought he would try to stop it, too.
I tried to talk about it with him several times, but he would always cut the conversation off with: I can control my drinking.
But then it happened quite a few times that he even got drunk while working alone nighttimes. And this started to drive me mad. Also he would not get up in time in the "mornings" to open up the place. As he was taking care for the food-catering, it was necessary to have him at the bar daytimes. Either though he is more of a "night"person. He put me into the following dilemma: Either I agree to make him work nighttimes more often and trust him with NOT getting drunk or he continues working daytimes, sitting at home at night without a big chance to go out due to my daughter. But in 80% of the cases when he WAS working nighttimes then, he disappointed me over and over again.
Then I stopped drinking in his presence. No alcohol for me anymore. This pressured him big time. Didnt really help though. Then I wrote him a love-letter with all my ressentments towards him when he is drinking and puts me into this stupid position that I feel the urge to control him. Told him, that I feel helpless in front of his drinking. But that I loved him. I got rid of all the responsability towards him, told him I was not gonna control him any longer. I asked him, if - even if he could not stop drinking completely - to at least try to start to reflect the impacts an to find out, what he could do to handle his addiction.
He tried to drink less the following days. But he was not able to sleep. I think this is what must have made him go crazy inside. But whenever I asked him, what was wrong with him he'd answer me: I don't know. I can't tell you.
This speechlessness drove ME mad. It had already made me crazy before coz even concerning our business life and our privat life - whatever I tried to initiate - he did not have an opinion. I tried to find a solution for each and everything (which is my stlye to cope with problems).
Now I know that this was the point only to make things even worse. I so much focussed on solving HIS problem that I lost myself in it. Last week he did not come home for one night. Told me he got drunk and slept on a friends couch.
