He's told me to have an A if I need more than what he's given me and then he'll do what he needs to do. I asked him, would you leave if I did? Answer: Dunno, might, might not.
Classic avoidance - nothing less
I think the first thing you need to do is get into counselling - not that it will make him tell the truth anymore than he is now but it will allow YOU to open up and bring this issues out into the open and have someone there to mediate the situation. Tell him counselling is a condition of staying together. If he cares about you as much as he says he does, he will do this for YOU and for your R
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Tell him counselling is a condition of staying together. If he cares about you as much as he says he does, he will do this for YOU and for your R
Been there done that for a year. I don't believe he'll go. But I'm not going to assume anything, I'll ask, it can't hurt. I know if he does agree, then he'll sit there on a log just as before. I'll vent, I'll talk, he'll listen, then come up with his logic and when the C sees through this, he shuts up and seems embarrassed. It's not a pretty scene. It goes round and round.
P.S. Gwyn, just to be clear. Whatever you are bringing to the issues, it is clear H is bringing PLENTY himself. I wasn't in any way trying to suggest things were YOUR problem. NOT AT ALL. You are doing SO MUCH already to really try to work on things.
The way I see it, the issues are either a JOINT problem to be addressed as PARTNERS, or it will be HIS problem because you'll be out of there.
"Quote: Tell him counselling is a condition of staying together. If he cares about you as much as he says he does, he will do this for YOU and for your R"
"Been there done that for a year. I don't believe he'll go. "
Yep, that is one reason why something like Retrouvaille really might be something to consider -- it is different and it *may* get some fast movement in your M depending on what the underlying issues are. And, at least right now, on the face of it, you both still care about preserving the M.
The way I see it, the issues are either a JOINT problem to be addressed as PARTNERS, or it will be HIS problem because you'll be out of there
Well put.
I'm looking into Ret as soon as I finish this post. I will sign us up and tell him when we're going.
I really am about to give up even though I love his company and friendship, I can't stand this wedge between us. And after all this time, IMHO, it's becoming bigger, not smaller. The only difference between then and now is that I'm not angry anymore, I'm becoming indifferent.
Well, I've tried twice to register for Ret. Something must be wrong with their on-line registering, but I'll call.
Update, I took yesterday as a me day. I went shopping, had a pedicure, had lunch with a friend and I had a great time. I can't remember when I enjoyed being with myself as much as I did yesterday. In the past, I felt that I had to get home right away because that's where I thought I should be, but yesterday, I found a million excuses not to go home. What does that mean? When I called my H to tell him that I was on my way home, he was sad acting. He told me that he was worthless. Now I feel guilty! However, I told him that I enjoyed my day and he said well, we all need time to ourselves, but yet later he mad anothe comment about he should be looking at some place else to live because he never knows what's going to happen the next day, meaning he is waiting for me to drop the bomb that I want a divorse. I given him all of dangers and pitfalls that we are entering and he knows them but rather than do something about them he wants to make them worse by pouting and playing the woah is me game, which I'm not playing anymore. I told him I love him, but that he's not the center of my universe anymore. He cannot handle this and I can't handle much more.
He talked to his mom last night while we were in bed, apparently, I fell asleep while he was talking anyway this morning he told me that he was planning on "teaching me the meaning of respect" Don't get alarmed, it's a joke between us, which translate into making love. Anyway, I guess I foiled his plan because I fell asleep.
Ya know, Gwyn, you can't have it both ways. Either you are going to try to change things and have a healthy M that you will enjoy and want to preserve, OR, you are going to stuff all your feelings, wishes, and emotions for a few more months and then dump H.
The choice is really yours. Perhaps you have some other alternatives in mind, but I am not sure what they are.
If you are looking for someone to coddle you and tell you there are no risks with one option or the other, it is not going to be me. Both options have different risks and benefits. But, I don't think the second option gets you anywhere on your own intimacy issues that will interfere with you enjoying any R.
You can be kind and loving toward H and reassure him that you want to work on the M without coddling him and going back to stuffing your feelings.
Oldtimer is right Gwen - he (and you) can't have it both ways
I am a nurturer by nature, its just what I do, however that has made my own R much more difficult to deal with. Lately, I have withdrawn and it is VERY tense around our house. I have been extremely outspoken the past few weeks and my H doesn't know where to go with it or how to take it. It makes for a very confused situation but that is in HIS head, not mine. I know exactly where I am going with this and he can choose as to whether or not he cares to come along for the ride.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
