In AA, the higher power can be anything you want it to be. It does not have to be the traditional God, Buddah, Allah etc....
I know, I'm sure it will take some time. It's hard to believe... especially when you prayed for things to get better when you were a vulnerable little kid and nothing ever changed...
At this point, nothing has changed. I haven't talked to him in 2 days.. I'm trying to just give him space, so I haven't called him. While it's difficult, I hope it is the best thing for him and for me.
Thank you to everyone who has offered their help and support. It means a lot. 789, I am like you in I don't have anyone to talk to about these things. I'm happy to have found this place.
I am also trying to figure out if I should be a Divorce Buster. It is a huge commitment and it has helped me immensely. I have also discovered this wonderful forum. You have made many good first steps. My mother has also separated from her alcoholic companion of 21 years. He will be moving back this week after staying sober for 8 months and recommitting to do more family vacations. I am happy for her but she is cautious.
I have also asked my verbally abusive H to leave. It was difficult and I lhave lived with a lot of regret about my decision. But I now realize I can no longer take care of him as though he were my child.
You need to see a therapist or take your kids to family counseling. You cannot force him into counseling and ultimatums are scary, for me. You can only do what is best for you. If he does leave, you may be better off. He may try to recommit. He may go even darker as my H has done.
I honestly thought if I kicked out my angry depressed H he would clean up his act and remember us. No, he has fallen into a much deeper pit of despair and cut off contact with almost everyone he has known in his positive history, except his kids. Protect yourself and do not condone abuse. Abuse is a cycle that must end with us. We cannot show our daughters that love means taking abuse from their dads.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I understand about taking care of him as if he were a child--I completely feel the same way--I have since discovered that this is part of my (and i hate to keep using the jargon) co-dependency I thought if he left, things would change to, but I don't know how much they have. Some days seems great where he's done a lot of reflection and thinking and seems to love me and want to change things between us. Other days is a complete 180, where he's just mad at me and mad at the world. I understand now that those days, he's just hurt and takes it out on me. I've done the same thing. You always tend to take out the hurt on those you are closest to.
I am going to see a therapist again. I realize now too how much I need it. Wish I hadn't quit 5 years ago--I just ran when it came to the truth of me.
Your man may need his space too, hopefully he'll come out of it and get help himself. My father was that way... I don't wish his outcome on anyone. He died alone and miserable because he alienated everyone in his life that ever meant anything to him--friends, family, EVERYONE. It's not something anyone should ever have to go through, they just have to make the choice to live a different life.
Well, he called around 7 tonight, I waited until about 8:30 to call back. Apparently, he was already in bed, but answered the phone anyway. Then he starts talking about work, about how he has the opportunity to go over the road and weld, be gone for weeks or months at a time... He asked what i thought about that. I gave him an honest answer and told him that I didn't think that would be very good for our relationship or the kids. That kids didn't care about how much money daddy made, they would rather go to the park with him or have him at their basketball games... all he could talk about was the money and how this was something he has always wanted to do...
I must admit my H found someone who "understood" him and he thrusted himself into an immediate EA and PA. I am not sure how that could have prevented, but perhaps there is some cause and effect. I am sure that alcohol and drugs aided in his PAs and general MLC. It probably drowns his guilt and clouds his responsibility.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
It probably couldn't have been prevented, I mean, not overnight. From what I understand, an alcoholic/drug user experiences a great amount of guilt and inability to cope with life--which is why they do it...
I am having a really bad day. Depression is really getting to me.
I did call a therapist today and made an appointment for Thursday, so for that I am greatful. They specialize in individual and couples/marriage counseling with an approach similar to here--that the marriage can be saved.
It has just hit me. I understand what everyone else has been talking about regarding their other being "emotionally unavailable."
Anytime my H has ever needed anything, I am always there. Even if it's just to talk...
Today, I don't know why, just had a really bad day. Woke up bummed out, then my youngest got into my drawer in the bathroom and got out a nice shade of nail polish and dumped it all over the carpet. Now, my house is on the market as of Friday and the guy was coming over today to take pictures. It just killed me. I bawled. Needed to get money from H because I was out of diapers, so I called and left him a message so I could meet him at work on his lunch. He said that was fine, could tell something was wrong and asked. I told him I was just having a bad day... He said that he thought I was okay with everything, I admitted that I'm not, that I just don't cry when we talk so he'll talk to me. So, I met him for lunch. He hugged and kissed the kids. I barely got a hello. Not that he wasn't polite, just didn't really say much. Went to leave and he wanted a kiss. I just looked at him because I didn't know what to think.
So, I called him back tonight around 7, I was feeling a lot better and wanted to talk with him. He was with a friend, I said he sounded busy so I would let him go. He said he was, but that he would call me later... he hasn't called.
Now, if it were reversed, whatever plans I had, I would have cancelled them because he needed someone to talk to. That much was obvious. But I can't even get a phone call back?
I was sad about it earlier, then I got to thinking about it and what a jerk he is. Now I'm just mad. Then I thought more about it and realized he's just that way.
Is this something/someone I really want in my life? Someone that makes me feel like I don't matter at all?
He may see you dropping your life for him as unattractive. That is what a husband expects from a spouse, but not what a beginner expects from another beginner. Unfortunatley, we have to think like beginners. It seems crazy after starting a family but hey, thems the breaks. Think about how you behave when you first started dating. I guess it is like playing hard to get? Is that a game?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I thought if he left, things would change to, but I don't know how much they have. Some days seems great where he's done a lot of reflection and thinking and seems to love me and want to change things between us. Other days is a complete 180, where he's just mad at me and mad at the world. I understand now that those days, he's just hurt and takes it out on me. I've done the same thing. You always tend to take out the hurt on those you are closest to.