I also told H that I wouldn't tell the kids. I would be there, but he had to say the words to them. He wanted to tell them that WE were unhappy and WE were getting a divorce. I told him that if he said those words, he would be corrected in front of them. He felt that it should be done that way so blame wasn't an issue. I firmly, but nicely said that this is his action and he needs to take ownership of it.
Hi w8ing,
Thanks for your advice. I feel the same way as you about telling the kids about the S. It was his decision to separate, not mine, so I think he needs to decide when to tell them and he needs to be the one to say those words to them. I want to be there, but I don't think I should have to pretend that this S is a mutual decision. I hate having to tell them that he is not here, and pretend that he went out in the morning before they got up.
I'm also a little resentful that I had to get up at 6am with my d1.5 this morning and that I just spent 45 minutes mowing the lawn when he should have done it last weekend while we were away.
During our (his) talk with the girls - I didn't contribute much, but I did make sure that they knew that we both loved them and they weren't responsible in any way. I didn't pretend that it was a mutual decision, but I didn't clearly spell it out for the girls either. During this past week, they have asked questions -do you love dad, were you unhappy, etc. and I was honest with each question. During the initial conversation, I just felt like it was too much for them to deal with - all the details.
Resentment is with me constantly. Do things around here, giving the girls whatever they want at his place while I get the day to day grind, living his life without responsibility or care....yep, I know a thing or two about resentment.
But, I know that I need to move beyond this and I am trying. It is hard but I am trying to take it minute by minute.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well. It sure is h*ll.
WARNING: Strange combination of journaling and venting to follow..
I think I'm growing more and more resentful as the days go on. I know it's not good for me and if I'm really DBing, then I need to get past it. I just hate that he has things set up in a way that makes it easy for him. During our last 2 C sessions, he focused on how he would be the bad guy if he left. Now, he has left (half-left, I'd say) and we haven't told anyone, not even the kids. So he gets to have his own place, but not be the bad guy to anyone but me. He gets to come and go from here as he pleases. For ex, as I already griped about, Sunday morning I was up at 6am with my youngest, I started cutting the lawn about 10:30am and then he calls around 11:15 to say he's on his way over and he was going to do the lawn (I told him I had already started). He gets here at about 12:15, as I was eating lunch w/the twins, and waltzes in with donuts. wtf? As I type it, it sounds ridiculous, but it really bothered me. He is operating in his own reality.
On Sat. afternoon, he was sitting at the kitchen table and I noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I said something to him immediately without thinking. Me: "Where's your ring?" H: "It was bothering me, my hands were itching so I took it off. I have it right here (in his pocket)." Me: "It hasn't bothered you for 10 years and now it's itching you?" H: "Do we have some lotion?" Me; "Yes, in the bathroom, next to the sink." (where it's always been for the last effing 8 years-didn't say that part) On Sunday, I noticed again that it was off and without thinking I said "So now you're not wearing your ring?" He told me again that it was bothering him, but that he has no plans to stop wearing his ring. I need to stop opening my big mouth and have decided not to mention it again if I see that it's off. Maybe I'll just act as if he took it off to gaze lovingly at the beautiful inscription. HA!
Tomorrow is the first day of school and he says he'll be here early in the morning to see the kids off with me. He left tonight around 9:30. Last night he was here after I went up to bed, watching a movie, and left when it was over. I now see why people need clear ground rules with a S. This is so screwed up.
The other day I found this old note in my nightstand drawer: "Dear (pet name), I may not always show it, but I really love you more than you realize... more than anything! Love, (H) XOXOXO" It's on a card that came with flowers for valentine's day (just this past Vday). How could he write that in February and drop the bomb less than 2 months later? I still don't get it. He always wrote sweet notes like that for me.
Another thing that bothers me is that he calls me nothing. He used to exclusively call me one of 2 pet names, now he calls me nothing. I am now listed as Teresa on his cell phone, when it used to be under my pet name, but he doesn't call me Teresa. I think he knows it would sound strange.
Our 10 year anniversary is in about 3 weeks. I've been thinking about that alot today. How do I even acknowledge it? Do I pretend it's not there? Do they make anniversary cards for such warped situations? Hmmm...maybe I've found an untapped market niche. Special occassion cards to give to the spouse who's in the process of dumping you.
I know I have to get out of this funk. Last night we all went to a baseball game together. I showered before we left and made a point to walk into d1.5's room while H was changing her diaper, wearing only my short silk robe, combed wet hair, to talk to him about stuff to bring w/us. I thought I looked pretty good. H tried not to look at me. I spent the rest of the evening acting as if he was glad to be going to the game w/us. It ended up being a fun night.
