Ok...right off the bat hon, you've got to learn to communicate with your H without escalating the situation. Now, before you go getting all defensive about what I just said....think about it. How do statements like these HELP the situation?
Quote:
If you think that's the best thing for your family, go right ahead." To which he replies, "we'll do 'ookies' (his cute dimunitive phrase for the deed) tomorrow - I just need to decompress, it's been a long week..." Yea, whatever, I say. Sometimes I throw in some pouting and extra bitchiness to my voice. If it escalates, he usually throws in something on the order of, "why are you so horny? (or if he's really pissed - why are you such a little piggie (which I think is a rather telling statement) and I may say something on the order of, "this really sucks" "why can't we compromise" "maybe I should go get some somewhere else".
I mean, just in reading what you wrote there...from your responses to his comments, YOU are looking for the situation to escalate. Are you really looking for that or does it just seem to happen?
When someone throws things like that at you...ok, I'll speak for myself here...when someone throws statements like that at me...or heck even my H...either one of us will automatically go on the defensive, because they are attacking statements...meant to put someone on the defensive, they aren't comments that are going to make them open up to you. When you put someone on the defensive, what are they going to do? Retreat, or fight back....they AREN'T listening to what you are saying because they are to busy defending their position or running for the hills....and you will not get what you are after, all you'll end up is angry, sad, and defeated.
Next...check that bitchiness at the door, it will serve no good purpose. Does that mean you have to be Mrs. Pollyana? Of course not, but that bitchy tone of voice has got to go. When you adopt it...he's not listening. You can speak honestly and effectively with him...without that bitchy tone, and get much more in the way of results. I can speak from experience on that.
Next...throwing out statements like "maybe I should go get some somewhere else". What are you a five year old? I say that, and I know how it sounds...but that's the equivalent of an adult temper-tantrum. "I'm gonna take my goodies and go play with someone else if you won't play with me....NOW!" Once again, counter-productive. How do you expect this man to want to pursue you...when you are threatening to go sleep with someone else?!!! Ain't gonna happen hon. Don't try to intimidate him into having sex with you...that is exactly what you are attempting to do.
You have a major obstacle to over-come as I see it to get to where you want to be...and that's to learn to communicate effectively with your H, AND learn how to allow him to come to you. Now, I'm not going to lie...learning to ease up enough so you can create an environment that will invite him in to pursue you isn't going to be easy for you, at least I don't think it is...right now, you are so revved up on trying to get from point A to Z....that I'm not sure you are ready to see the work it's going to take to get there. I'm also not sure at this point that you are willing to do the work, because the results may not come quickly...I get the impression you'd rather seek it elsewhere than do the work. Am I wrong? I hope so....but this statement leads me to think you are already justifying it "Oh, and I wrote our vows - they state, "I vow to freely share my body, mind and soul", they do NOT state, "I will not share my body, mind and soul with other people"." You do understand I hope that there is an implied understanding that the sharing is between you and your H...you are justifying cheating with semantics. Unless you WENT INTO your marriage with the understanding that it would be an OPEN marriage, the monogamy is implied by the marital contract. I'm pretty damned sure...your H would see it that way.
Last...getting the results you are looking for is going to take you doing something that requires you to let go of trying to control this situation. Right now, you are still trying to control it...no one wants to be controlled and there are two of you in your relationship, so if you are trying to control the situation and bully/bitch him into doing what you want....who are you trying to control? Your H of course...and he's having none of that.
FWIW...I've been where you are. So I'm not telling you anything to do...that I haven't had to do myself.
Oh and just so you know...the bitchy tone comes through on here loud and clear too...so drop the defensiveness. You came here looking for help...help doesn't always come in the form you expect it to. There is no 1-2-3 solution for you.....and Corrie, is one smart cookie who has been through an awful lot. You have her pegged all wrong....but not ONE of us here is going to sugar coat things, or pull punches. If we think you need a 2x4 upside the head because you are being stubborn, pig headed, or just flat-out rude...you're going to get it. Likewise, if we think you need a hug or some compassion...you will get that too. So please...drop the tude. You may not think you are giving attitude, but I can feel it from reading your posts.
