The money is reinstated. So is the no-contact clause. He actually agreed that neither of us would introduce a new partner into the kids' lives for at least 12 months past the case management date (11/19). (I brought up having it in effect for both of us--that it was too much to ask of the kids, and he asked for a time frame). And it was signed. The judge accepted it, but modified it to the end the case management date, when we can then extend the stipulation.
She also suggested that we get with a lawyer, at least a mediator, to go over specifics as far as the property, and we will have to think about the pensions, the life insurance, wills and tax ramifications before the case management date.
She asked us why a legal sep, rather than a divorce. He said medical insurance and taxes. I added, hope.
I am so drained from today. I should be happy, but I am so far from it. It was emotional again, but not as bad. I felt more prepared. He expected me to bring a L with me, and was surprised when I didn't.
He has been stewing for at least a week. Seems that CW told him, that her H told her, that I said (whew!) that I was going to take him for everything that he had!! I almost started crying again right there--has he NOT been paying attention that I love him and don't want any of this, but also want him to be happy?!? So, either her H lied, or she lied. I won't ever speak to either of them again. Lesson learned.
I told him that I don't expect to speak to him before the case management date unless something with $$ or kids can't be handled by email. I also said, that for me, I won't be dating until it is all over, but that I have been thinking about the possibilities that are out there.
I asked him if he was going to talk to the kids about what happened--he doesn't remember his suggestion that he lie and say that he started dating CW after the sep. I gave him a few names of child counselors to speak with before starting to talk to them. It has to come out, and he really should be the one to do it. I just said that I wish he could tell the kids that he made a huge mistake, that it was wrong...but he doesn't even feel like what he did was adultery. So many rationalizations.
We agreed that we would continue to discuss counseling for us and the kids (not to reconcile, mind you), so I may email your idea to him in a week or two, OT. I already gave him the phone numbers to call. Remember that he took all of those books that I had marked up so long ago about finding love again? (LL, Getting the Love you Want, even DR)...I asked him to please give them back...he said he hadn't gotten the chance to look at them, yet. I won't even begin to fathom a guess. Maybe he burnt them? Who knows...
I think that he felt some pressure from me at times, but I tried so hard not to beg or plead this time. I just get so sad when I am around him, that close. I am so frustrated. I miss him terribly.
I kept thinking of all of Gottman's 4 horses of the Apacolypse theory--I got to see all 4 of them today.
He doesn't want me or love me anymore. More than he wants to come home. More than he loves and misses his children, his parents and family, his friends, his house and financial security. More than his image in the community.
And no amount of changes in me, no amount of apologizing, will ever make him want that again. If anything is to ever happen at all, it will come from him alone. I am just so sorry for all of it. I still don't think that it had to be this way, but that is the way it is.
