Need advice on WAW with OM

[SunnySeason]

I don't think either myself or Svejk want to DATE anyone, but rather go on a date with a person of the opposite sex for dinner/coffee or something (not thinking sex here

).

Hey Heim,

I completely get what you're saying & believe it's natural to want companionship, etc. What I got from Svejk, was that he's more interested in getting his W's attention than hoping to meet someone to have a relationship with. Chances of someone of the opposite sex wanting to go on a date just b/c you can "chew with my mouth closed and hold up my end of a conversation reasonably well" are pretty slim.
I'm just saying that you can achieve the same thing w/o "using" someone & complicating your sitch.

Sunny

[svejk]

Sunny/Lin/Heimlich,

I really have no intention of using someone to make my wife jealous, although I agree it may appear that way from what I wrote. I'm like Heimlich..I'd just like some female companionship, nothing serious, just to have someone to go to dinner with and enjoy the company. I would certainly never hurt anyone and let it get serious, I love my wife and want her back too much to ever let that happen.

I admit I was hoping that making my wife jealous would be a fringe benefit of dating someone. I have way too much time on my hands to sit around and think about my R with my wife and how I can win her back.

I agree with Sunny/Lin that my jealousy idea is not a good one and I wouldn't want my wife to come back because of jealousy, but it was really just a thought. I want my wife back so badly it makes me have these crazy ideas sometimes. That's why I love the people who post here and help set me straight when I'm not thinking clearly. I really appreaciate it.

Thanks,
Svejk

[Heimlich]

Chances of someone of the opposite sex wanting to go on a date just b/c you can "chew with my mouth closed and hold up my end of a conversation reasonably well" are pretty slim

Say it ain't so, Sunny, those are two of my top 3 best traits

BD

[svejk]

Almost made a huge mistake tonight. I had such an urge to see my wife that I drove over to her house. It doesn't help that she lives 1 minute away. Luckily she wasn't there, and I've calmed down since I got back home.

I haven't seen her for 7 days, and that's the longest time I have ever gone without seeing her in our 12 years together. I know she spent the weekend with OM. That combined with not seeing her for so long hurts like crazy.

A couple weeks ago she was in my arms crying and telling me how much she missed me. I don't understand how we got to here in just 2 weeks.

Nothing really happened between us and now she doesn't even want to talk to me. I'm sure it's related to her feelings for the OM.

Last week I thought I had finally reached a point where I felt happy and good about myself, and could take whatever happened. But I haven't felt this bad in a long time. It's really discouraging and doesn't give me much hope that I will feel really good anytime soon.

It's a helpless feeling because I've really changed a lot of things about myself that caused problems in our R, and I'm so scared that I'll never get the chance to have the kind of R with my W that we've always wanted. I made too many mistakes in the first few months of our separation before I came here. And even now after a month here it still is difficult to stop all the mistakes.

I can't put all the blame on myself though because I really think my W might be doing the same things even if I was near perfect the last couple months. She has been married since she was 17 (she is 42 now), and I fear she has this need to have what she missed out on early in life. She never got to be alone and experience the single life. Hopefully she will find it unfulfilling soon.

I have some hope from those of you who have recovered from this traumatic experience and are happy with yourselves no matter what the outcome of you R, but right now this is worse than any torture I can imagine.

Svejk

[imLIN]

The point both of you might be missing is you are in a vulnerable place...and should you go out just as "friends"...well that is how most EA start...and then they leas into PA...it is very easy to get caught up in the feel good feelings....just look at your S's...they didn't just decide one day to go out and have an A...

I stand by what I said too...if you think that making your W jealous is a way to get her attention...you might just get the wrong kind of attention...

I know it is hard to wait this out...I know because I waited...I wasn't sitting around waiting for him to call...he didn't give me some of the hopeful signs that you have...but I kept doing the DB'ing that I could...

Your wife is 42...if it is MLC ( I strongly suspect it is) then what you are proposing is going to lead to a disaster...either you will force her home too soon...or she will throw her hands up and concede that she has lost you...

I don't know what else to say to you right now...just that if you want to play with fire...expect to get burned...

Lin

[Heimlich]

The point both of you might be missing is you are in a vulnerable place

I'm not missing this point, it's just that part of me doesn't care. The good part will most likely win out, because I wouldn't be good to get into a R with anyone and I definately don't want to hurt anyone. However, there's that damn little voice in the back of my mind saying, "Eh, what the hell." If I could just get him to shut up . . .

Thanks, Lin. I wish you weren't right.

BD

[svejk]

I called my wife this morning just to she how she was doing since we haven't seen each other for a week.

She told me she is very happy without me and that things are not looking good for me, and that she is leaning towards divorce.

Of course when I heard this, panic set in and I just made things worse by asking her why and if there was anything I could do.

She says she is happy without me so why should she be with me. I don't understand this mentality. It's like me saying I was happy before I met you so why should I have married you.

I don't know what to do. She says she is going to call me back later to talk to me. I can't take the things she says to me. No matter how hard I try to ignore the hurtful things she says, I can't keep the panic from coming on.

I don't want to get a divorce but it seems like she is dead set on getting one. Maybe this is just how she feels at the moment and things will change, but I just can't she her changing.

What should I say to her?

Svejk

[imLIN]

You keep pushing but expect different results???
Let me tell you a week is NOT a very long time...my H and I were together everyday for over 27 years when he left...and we went months with NO contact....that was his wish...and we had kids! and a young son!!!

Your marriage is not over as of yet...and even with D it doesn't have to be the end but for most it is...and that is understandable...

You have the tools, you know what to do....if you really want to do this you will quit the panic and start thinking and planning on how YOU will deal with YOU...

My current advice would be to not take the call when she calls back...one of you has to stop "playing the game"...

Lin

[Heimlich]

Svejk,

Man, stop it. Every time you talk to your W, You. Are. Pushing. Her. Away. Chill out. Force yourself to start a hobby, go running, cook a gourmet meal, eat lots of peanut butter -- anything so you don't talk to your W.

Head on over to my 3rd thread and thumb through to the end and read OT's advice to me. It applies equally well to you.

BD

[svejk]

I realize you say that everytime I talk to my wife I push her further away, but she told me that the week apart made her realize even more that she wants a divorce and doesn't want to be with me.

The time apart seems to strengthen her resolve and make her more independent and want nothing to do with me. Do you think this will change with more time apart? The less I see and talk to her the more she forgets about me and goes on with her new life.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

Svejk