Pretty Much Done

[built4speed]

Question: ( and dont feel like you have to answer it btw...)

If she took efforts to help herself.. and you felt they were sincere and heartfelt.. would you .. could you consider attempting to renew.. change.. whatever you would like to call it.. your R with her ?

Tom

I'm not sure. The issue is this: so she claims she never felt that chemistry that we all are looking for in a mate. Fine, so she screwed up and married someone whom she felt like a brother with. That, among other things, is a big issue of hers. I, on the other hand, could surely sense that but married her anyway. The problems that caused (like her not being interested in sex, but me expecting her to be [when you marry someone, the expectation is that your partner wants to be with you, but often she didn't]) became so great that she bailed. And she didn't have the capability to work on the marriage. So, what in me decided that was good enough... to sacrifice my needs to be with her? Insecurity? Settling for less because that was available? Not figuring out women enough to attract a really good one? Figuring her family background would not matter? Not paying attention to my emotional side? Probably all of the above.

In my next M, I cannot just go with someone who is merely acceptable, that is "good enough". Who thinks I am just okay. I need someone I can't live without, and especially she will need to be totally into me. I have never had that with W. Everything was very conditional - I never had unconditional acceptance from W, always on probation. And, of course, my new partner and I need an amazing connection on all levels, especially emotional.

So, given that I will be able to get myself together enough to fix my issues, do I think she has the capacity to fix hers? Hmmm. Currently it does not appear so. She goes to counseling, but she's not working the big issues. She is not convinced she can. She knows there are big issues if she opens that box, and has said she doesn't want to go there. In that case, no way.

If she did do the work, we would still have the "roommates"-level attraction and not the "I need you now, and I mean right now" relationship. That is what I want. If she went through a few years and somehow decided I really was the one (and based on the traffic I'm getting not even being on the market, I doubt I'll be availabe in three years), I would consider it - after she pays me back the $50K I spent on the D!