I don't know . When he came to me last year asking me for a L separation, he told me it was no one's fault that it just didn't work out between us and that he didn't hate me. My reply was " but I don't understand why you won't at least try." "I thought we had a good M, yes we had some problems but they could have been worked out." He got all defensive and left.
Before that day and after that he treated and continues to treat me horrible. Nasty words and tons of projections and blame onto me. He trys to find fault in everything I do- still!
The Ow has been in his life the entire time, but of course he will not own up to it. " I knew her as a friend at work, nothing happened between us until after I broke it off with W!" This is what he tells his family.
Yeah, that's why he was making secret calls from our house and his cell phone to her while still with me!!!
So when made his little speech to me he contradicted himself and I NEVER heard him say he was sorry for anything! He acted like he hated me from day one of the bomb dropping.
Would you count what he said as saying he was sorry?? I think he just wanted me to agree and sign the papers so this is why he was being fairly decent that day.
I sure hope he is unhappy with her. He came here tonight to pick up d7. He still has trouble looking me in the eye when he speaks to me. He catches himself looking and then he quick looks down or away.
I want to believe he still loves me, but 2 1/2 years later. I feel no love from him.
I broke my finger on Saturday-- slammed it in the car door! I am okay though. GOt sitches and it is pretty sore, but I'm fine. Anyway, d7 told her dad. He asked her how I did it and where etc. , but tonight when he saw me he said nothing to me about it. I remember last winter I fell on the ice and got a bad bruise on my knee. He was concerned and even called me to see if I was okay. I feel like over the course of these past 2+ years he has been continuing to detach from me. Now he doesn't even care that I got hurt and broke my finger!
It's hard to believe he cares one bit for me anymore.
I am so sorry to hear about your finger. I hope it is healing well and not too painful. He is ashamed of what has happened. That's why he can't look at you. It seems he feels guilt and takes it out on you.
There is life after this. It is a long, hard road to healing but we do get there. It has helped me tremendously to develope my friendships with my female counterparts. I have also made some new friends of people that I probably wouldn't have had the pleasure of getting to know. My 'ex' always said I was 'too friendly'. Now, people tell me I'm distant and aloof. Not good.
What has worked for me or you will be different. But I am learning I have so many interests and so little time.
It will be difficult trying to figure out why your h did this or that. I finally grew tired of it and decided that it did not matter. It was what it was and I was missing out on life giving it much thought.
I know you are right. If I waste time wondering why I am missing out on the present moment. I know my H feels guilt, but not enough to tell me he is sorry for all the pain he has caused. I know I may never hear those words.
When H left he told me he wanted us to be friends and to have our d's birthdays and holidays together. He said he didn't want us to have the same kind of R that he had/has with his first W. What a crock of sh*t that was! Last year we had d's birthday party together at my house, family and friends. Spent Christmas eve with H and d at my SIL's house. H drove separately, we met him there. H told MIL that it was the last year he would have d's birthday together b/c it was too uncomfortable. I treated him fine too so that wasn't the reason.
Now this year, H wants a separate birthday party. D told me a few days ago. She wants one party again like we had last year. I am not sure if I should say something to him or not.
If he meant what he said about having a better R than he has with his first W then what is the deal? If I can put my feelings aside for a few hours then why can't he? I think one of the reasons is b/c he wouldn't be able to bring Ow along if the party was at my house again. Ow would not be welcome and he knows it. We are still legally married.
I feel bad for d b/c she shouldn't have to worry about any of this and have to have separate parties.
Should I suggest it? I don't respect him anymore, but could be pleasant if I had to be.
This is what I want to say.....
"H, d told me you were planning to have a separate party for her this year." "She wanted me to ask you if we could have one party again like we did last year."
"I want to do what is best for her." "I know it would be uncomfortable but I also know it would make our d very happy if we could do this for her again this year."
" I think way back to what you said about the kind of R you wanted us to have, how you didn't want us to be like you and XXXX. "How it didn't have to be that way with us." "I know a lot has happened between us since we had this conversation." " I have lost much respect for you, but you are and always will be d's daddy so I am willing to put my feelings aside for times like these-- birthdays, special occasions, holidays, etc. if you are." "Like I said before I know it won't be comfortable, but if we put the focus on d we can both get through the day."
I'm sorry I missed your post last night. We had company, plus did a little school shopping for supplies my d needs for her Junior year.
I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. If you are ready for your r to be that of co-parenting only, I would probably tell him what you said in your last 3 paragraphs. It sounds as if you may be ready to move forward and accept this type of r.
I don't know if I am ready to be honest with you. I would like to get to this point , where being just co-parents is all I want, but I don't think I am ready yet.
I still have a lot of hurt and anger towards my H. Last night he asked me if I would switch weekends with him b/c his mom was having some out of town guests staying with her on his weekend to have the kids. ( H stays with MIL every other weekend when he has the kids-- all other times he is living with Ow)
He starts out by telling me that he doesn't know what his mom was thinking ,but she asked her friends to come and stay with her on a weekend he has the kids. " There is just no room for us if they come that weekend."
He goes on to say that he could take the kids to "the apt that weekend, but he just doesn't have the room there." "I don't know what I am going to do, my mother was going to ask her friends to come another weekend, but if they don't then I'm not sure what I am going to do."
The more I thought about it the more I thought- just another reminder on how selfish he is.... did he forget whose house he was staying at? It's his mom's house ,,, not his.
What did he want me to say? I can't feel sorry for him. He lives with Ow . It's not my fault he doesn't have his OWN place big enough to take his kids too.
It's pathetic that he stays at his mom's with the kids I think. He is a grown man who should be standing on his own two feet.
H's family thinks he has no choice but to live with Ow in her tiny apt b/c he can't afford to get his own place. He either lives there for free or chips in on the rent. Whatever it is cheaper than if he had to find his own apt. He says he doesn't want to live with his mom b/c "I am a grown man!"-- but it's okay to stay their every other weekend with his kids?????
I supposed to let him know if I will switch weekends with him. I'm not going to switch, but if he doesn't have anywhere to take d that weekend I will tell him to leave her home with me. He knows how I feel about her going to Ow's apt overnight. I wonder if he was hoping that I would say okay about switching so that's why he made sure to meantion taking the kids to the apt.?
K, When my H brought the ow on vacation with him and the boys I thought that was the final straw and I would no longer be standing for my M. But it seems I still can't let go. I find it so hard so I know how you feel.
It is pretty pathetic that at the present time our H really have no place to call home. I heard from my SIL that he hasn't slept at his Mom's house the last few days so I wouldn't be surprised if he is back living with the ow and her parents again. S6 told me that her cousins that moved in are no longer there.
How come you do not want to switch weekends with him? If it doesn't inconvenience you, maybe you should do it otherwise he may think you are just being spiteful. JMO. I know how you hate being walked all over like a doormat because I feel the same way, but sometimes I think we need to give in on certain things.
Glad your finger is getting better. Give me a call tomorrow if you want.
I don't have a problem keeping her on that weekend. If we switch then he will have her 2 weekends in a row and I hate that.
Plus I have some plans coming up with friends and it may interfer if I switch.
I guess the point I was trying to make is that he expects his mom to change her plans so he can have room for his kids to stay there. He acts like he is being put out when in fact it is MIL's house , not his. He is so selfish.
It's no one's fault but his own that he doesn't have his own house or apt. If Ow's place is too small then I think if his kids are important enough he should find a larger place. He and Ow should get a bigger apt. that will accomodate him and his kids.
Everyday it just seems more real to me that my H has moved on without me... Constant reminders, Ow baking him pies, spending her time on MIL's house with H and MY KIDS, spending $600.00 on a puppy. H told d it was an early birthday gift for Ow. Is the puppy their "baby" b/c they won't be having children together or is the puppy just another distraction for H so he doesn't have to think about his issues?
On Wednesday I told H that the past 2 years have been very hard b/c I watched him take an eraser and act like he never cared for me, act like our life together never existed, and move on with Ow. I guess I was hoping he would respond or maybe it would trigger him to show some remorse towards me, but nothing. I got nothing. He called later that day and was very nice, but meantioned nothing about what I said.
Where the H*ll is his conscience(sp?)?? I don't think he ever really loved me at all.
I am feeling blue today. How could my H just forget me, move on and not even miss me? I hate him and I hate Ow. It hurts that he isn't looking back and now a puppy!! I feel like he has no plans to ever come home.
Our d7 called me last night from MIL's house. I heard laughter in the background. I asked d who was there . She said daddy, grandma and Ow. I'm starting to think H is truly happy with Ow. I am so angry with MIL for becoming friends with the woman who contributed to the breaking up of my family. I feel betrayed.
