H called and wants to talk over some stuff, doesn't sound like happy news. I told him I'd rather him wait to tell me in person since he's on the road all the time, he agreed.
Have a fairly good talk I guess. Good news for me, OW will be in jail for 6 months or more so he can't see her...sounds corny but I'm glad. I'm afraid if she got out she'd get back into her drugs and drag him down too.
I am not bitter towards him, I have read so much about MLC that it sounds like they dont' have much control. He hasn't been mean to me, in fact he's very giving...but that doesn't help the heartache. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks or more and I'm lonely.
He doesn't know what he wants. He did mention that none of his friends ever call him, which I think adds to his depression. I can tell he thinks nobody cares.
I've done nothing but cry the last 2 days. I know I'm a pessimist but I think if I could just allow myself to think that he's not coming back it'd be easier to accept...but it's not.
It's confusing -- some sites about MLC say to reaffirm you love him by telling him and it will help him, other sites say don't mention it cuz it pressures them...what's right?
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
You must do what is right for you. That is the rule. If a 180 is a change that you want for you, then it's the right thing to do. If the LTR is the right option for you, then it's the right thing to do.
What are you goals and what do you hope to accomplish?
I read the DivorceBusters site, I read the MarriageBuilders site, and midlifewives site...it's very rare to see any good news. What game are we playing? Giving them space, sounding happy when you are falling apart, backing off with no contact, letting them sort things out when we wait to see if they will come back.
I'm lonely, I want my H and page after page tells me not to count on it. I look at success posts, they are 2 years old if not more. I know you try to rebuild, make the most of your life etc...hard when you hurt and your brain constantly thinks of H, your body aches from not being held, nobody calls to say they love you anymore...wait...sit and wait, for what? For them to say "been real,see ya"?
I keep looking for hope and only find divorce postings. Do they come to their senses and want us back? Looks very glim. H was great at romance, holding hands, calling 3-4 times a day ending with I love you's, hugging and now zilch. The sites say they get tired of the OW, he picked a winner druggie jailbird. He'll prob wait til she gets out in 6months...I'm suppose to hope he wakes up during this time?
Venting...drained and feeling hopeless.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
Well H came home for a couple days, first started off cold. It was early morning and he was eating a sandwich..I sat down, took his hand (which he didn't want) told him that I have too much stress in my life with my sister and want to put our relationship on the back burner. He agreed. He pulled me to his lap, held me, led me to the couch and we laid there most the night in each others arms...so nice. Of course that was then, this is now...new day. I got the speech, I expected it. He talked about his weight, his exercising, etc. Every time he brought up OW I told him I didn't want to hear it. He had her pic in his truck -- bra, underwear and fur coat..right next to our family pic. My S20 found it and destroyed it -- he is not happy with H. S20 asked if we were going to get a divorce (I wasn't there at the time) and H said "probably". S20 is hurt, mad and told me to move on! H was very good fixing car brakes for other son, odds and ends.
They were going to go to the Childrens Museum and H told me to come along, also took my on cycle ride, out for a beer, and...yes we had great sex....so he doesn't love me? Treated me like he did. He told me hadn't been with anyone (prob cuz she's been locked up) so.... I don't think he'll be coming back soon, since his jailbird has been released. Come to find out she's got 3 kids--I don't pic H stepping in to be a daddy anytime soon. Also, of course she gave him the I don't expect anything from you, I'll do it on my own talk. She may be going back to jail again next month...dunno.
Anyway--I'd like to say I'll step back and see how they do together, I'm hoping he comes to his senses. Odd thing is we had been getting alog for so long, I'll attribute this all to MLC. I wish I were stronger and could just move on like DS20 said. How do you give up 24yrs? H can.Called to tell me he cleared out his dresser for me...aint that nice? In other words, I'm outta here! I'm doing the DB way--as much as it pains me.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
One of the questions you asked was about communication and spending time together. For men, having you there when he 'needs you' is a comfort blanket. Since he is having a full blown affair, we call that 'having your cake and eating it too'.
He has OW, he has you.
You need to show him that he cannot have both. Not by being mean or nasty but by being unavailable to him. Yes, he's in a mess right now but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions.
So, you need to 'detach' from him. Stop spending time with him and tell him that you would "prefer not to do xyz because it only hurts YOU because he is having an affair, and you aren't his 'backup plan'."
When he calls, don't answer the first time. Don't return the call right away. Show him what life will be like without you.
Always be pleasant, or at least neutral. Go get a life and NO MORE sex as long as there is OW in the picture.
Realize that the is NOTHING you can do as long as he has OW. She is a symptom of his current emotional state. In these kinds of situations the WAS often chooses someone who is even more messed up than they are. And it will not last.
Thank you Frank! I needed some sort of pep talk today. My eyes are killing me.
H called -- chatted nice, this and that about my weekend. Doubt if he noticed but called me Sweetheart. Tells me that at one of his stops a young gal invited him to thier breakfasts -- he said she flirted with him << yippee for him. Towards the end of convo he tells me he wants to take over a couple bills so the burden is lifted a litte, but continue paying me weekly. I told him I'd have to look things over first. I think he's just afraid I'd get rid of the cycle since it's in my name<< I won't do anything to rock the boat of income though. Ended nice. But I know I have to change things -- like I cling on to the conversation rather than keep it short. He had told me that he hasn't made any commitments to anyone--he must have forgotten our wedding vows eh?
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
The lightbulb went off!! I got it, I finally got it.
I sit and worry, cry and pray for my marriage and today something just clicked. I'm following DR, but I also decided that I'm not the one who'll be losing out. I made a list of what he'll be missing if he decides to give up on the marriage--that helps me realize he's got more at stake than I do. Since he's in his truck almost all the time around the country instead of chosing home, he'll miss out on: 1)Our sex life (we had a great one--although he may find/have someone else there won't be that intimacy) 2)Home cooking -- I'm a great cook and he LOVES my cooking. 3)Family Time - loves his granddaughter and misses her 4)Social Time - no card games, no outtings, no guitar jams, etc 5)Church and God-- 6)motorcycle 7)My family - real close to them, always doing gatherings.
Plus more -- he's the loser, I'll still have that and he can sit in his truck and thing about it. He's a very social person so I know it's going to catch up to him, maybe by then my GAL will be more in focus no matter the outcome.
Whew...now I've got to stay focused (easier said than done) by baby steps...
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
wish I could fast forward...let's hope it works, easier said than done.
I need to know if I should say this : "I know I asked you to keep in touch with me because I was concerned about your safety, you don't have to. It was a ploy to keep in contact with you, and I'm finding that too hard. I can't walk away from our marriage as easy as you, so you don't have to contact me -- if something important comes up I'll contact you. I can't just forget the way I feel, and I don't want to. If you decide you want to give it a try then contact me, ok? Take care"
or do I just let it go and see what happens?
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
