Need advice on WAW with OM

[Nutty Chick]

I don't know how those of you who are dealing with your spouse with OP can deal with it. The though of my wife being intimate with the OM drives me crazy and completely occupies my thoughts. Especially when she indicates she still wants to work on our marriage but she just needs space. If our marriage was over I could probably forget about it and go on.

It's an obsession I wish I could get rid of but I just don't know how.

Svejk

HiSvejk.

prior to my H getting OW 2 weeks now, I was the same as you. The thought drove me crazy.

When he told me he had OW, initially I was shocked of course, but over a few days I came to accept it. What alternative do I have? I dunno why, but knowing that he has OW is easier than suspecting he has. I dunno, maybe it is about honesty. The worst thing about an affair for me would be the deciept and lies. as things stand now, for me, it is out in the open and I can deal with that. When it is hidden from you you just don't know what you are dealing with.

NC

[bar]

I agree with Nutty. Once it's out in the open it's better than dealing with all the lies and deception. However you get a different type of stress wondering why you seem to accept the situation, when H will leave, if H will finish with OW. The possibilities are endless. You have to get a grip on your imagination and emotions which is very hard to do.

[svejk]

Any advice on this?

I need some advice on how to respond to my wife in certain situations.

Occasionally she somes by or calls and tells me she misses me and is afraid of losing me. Of course her feelings change from day to day and I know not to read too much into it. I think she also says it to see how I will respond, because she wants to make sure I'm still in the palm of her hand.

Up until now I made the mistake of always validating her feelings by saying, "I miss you too, and you're not going to lose me." I think the right way to respond now is just to listen or say, "OK, I understand." This would be a huge 180 that would probably make her wonder.

But, what if she asks me somehing like, "Don't you miss me?" or "Don't you still love me?" Of course I still love her and miss her but I don't think I should tell her that.

So how should I respond to those types of questions?

Svejk

[imLIN]

I would just tell her that you aren't answering those questions because of how things are now...when and IF you BOTH decide to work on things without anyone else involved then you will be prepared to talk about your feelings (or lack of) but until then...NONE OF HER BUSINESS...because if...IF she truly didn't want to risk losing you she would be working with you....right now she is willing to take the risk...so why reassure her that you are still waiting and still love her???....let her wonder for a change?

[bar]

A complete 180 would be good. Think there's no harm in saying you understand without revealing your own feelings.

[svejk]

Today my wife called to ask if some mail she was waiting for had come in. She usually text messages stuff like that. She didn't want to talk long so we cut the call short. But there was really no reason for her to call... maybe that's a good sign. Even though it kills me when it's obvious that she still has no desire to even chit-chat with me, I managed to hang up without my usual stalling to try to keep her on the phone.

Prior to today we hadn't spoken for 4 days. I know she spent the weekend with the OM, and I think she feels guilty about it, because in the meantime she is telling me she needs space to figure things out.

She is going to some kind of therapy retreat over labor day weekend. I asked her what she hoped to accomplish there and she said to find her happiness. I don't think she is happy with the way she is living her life right now, and she nows she won't be happy with the OM because he is 15 years younger and just a fling.

I think she hopes that she will fall back in love with me, but right now she doesn't trust me because I've slipped in my DBing several times over the last few weeks, especially when I found out about the OM.

I have no idea where this therapy retreat is or what it's about but I sure hope she figures something out.

Is it normal for WAW who are seeing OM to be so cold towards their husbands while they are involved with OM?

Svejk

[svejk]

I was thinking of sending this letter to my wife. I think this is probably a bad idea but I wanted to run it by the people here anyway. The letter goes against the DBing principles of showing instead of talking about it. But would it hurt to send the letter and keep showing the 180's.

My wife has always complained that I am indecisive and I don't take charge. She likes it when I make strong, confident decisions.

From conversations today with people close to her I know over the last few weeks she has repeatedly told her family that she loves me but cannot let go of things I did to her in the past and doesn't trust me, and this is holding her back from getting back together with me.

So I was thinking about sending her the following letter. Please let me know what you think.

"I am not going to let you and I make the biggest mistake of our lives! I need to make the decision for both of us. When your lease expires at the end of September, you are moving in with me. There is no way we are going to throw something so wonderful away just because we can't let go of the past and are afraid it won't work out. We're not going to spend the rest of our lives searching for what we both have in front of us right now.

In the last 6 months I've learned more about myself then in the last 10 years. I was controlling, angry, and demanding because I was unhappy with myself, not because of anything you did. I'm not saying you were perfect, but you never deserved the way I treated you, no matter what you did. I am strong and confident in myself because of you leaving me. It took awhile, but I've learned to be happy with myself and rely on myself, not you, for my happiness. I wasn't confident in myself and our relationship so I tried to control you and demand what I wanted. This is no way to live and I understand now why you were so unhappy. I will never be that way again, period.

The past is the past. We're going to start a brand new relationship. Whatever I did to you before today and you did to me before today never needs to be talked about again, because it doesn't matter, and it's not going to happen again. What matters is how we treat each other going forward, and I know it will be the kind of relationship we both have wanted for so long. Because of what we've been through the last few months our relationship will be stronger then ever, and will never fail. I know you think it will be too hard to repair our relationship and we will struggle, but you are wrong. We are both great, smart people and if our hearts are in it, repairing our relationship will be easy. I know our relationship will be go easier than ever before and we will have a relationship that everyone of our friends and family will be jealous about, and that we can brag about to everyone.

To make sure we start out right we are going to have a wedding vow renewal ceremony and party with our family and closest friends in October. Then we're going to start looking for that little baby girl to adopt.

I want a relationship built on total trust and respect for each other. If I wasn't absolutely sure we will have this kind of relationship I would never get back together with you. I love you, I love our kids, I love your family, and I will never do anything to lose these wonderful gifts again."

Thanks,
Svejk

[imLIN]

Um....NO, don't send that letter...as much as she might admire you when your strong this is NOT how to show it!

I would run for the hills if my H would sent something like this to me and I love him dearly...no doubt...

Several things here...you are not giving her space to work things out herself...you are TELLING her what to do...you are also telling her that you won't accept anything else...this will make her feel trapped for sure...

And the biggest no no in all of this...renewing the vows...this doesn't make everything alright...and then looking for a baby girl to adopt!...you are pushing all the emotional triggers there are for a woman...and this will blow up in your face...having a baby is very stressful...I was told by a La Maze instructor that having a baby will strengthen a strong marriage and break a weak one...

You state you want a relationship built on trust and *respect*...well I am not seeing alot of respect for HER feelings in this...it is all about you and controling her...

DON'T SEND IT...YOU NEED TIME TO WORK ON YOU....TIME IS YOUR FRIEND RIGHT NOW...IF SHE IS TELLING OTHERS THAT SHE STILL LOVES YOU BUT IS AFRAID OF HOW THINGS WERE IN THE PAST...YOU NEED *TIME* TO *SHOW* HER THAT YOU HAVE MADE CHANGES THAT SHE CAN FEEL SAFE WITH....

[svejk]

Ok, good advice...I'm definitely not going to send the letter. Even though I still think it will give her something to think about, I will defer to those of you with experience.

On another subject... My wife and I are friends with a couple that are big gossips, and I know that anything I say to them will be passed on to my wife. For that reason I have been avoiding talking to them.

But maybe I could use them to my advantage. Due to my previous behavior my wife thinks I am sitting at home constantly thinking about her and that I will wait for her forever no matter what she does. This definitely isn't the case, but that's what she thinks. I'm sure I will have a breaking point someday where I just won't be able to take it anymore.

I'm not sure if sparking some jealousy in my wife might help her to get off the fence and stop thinking I will wait forever.

What if I tell our friends that I have a date or am dating someone? It will get passed on to her. Any ideas?

Thanks,
Svejk

[Heimlich]

Just a quick thought -- pay attention to yourself because you're worth it. If you want to date, date, but only because YOU WANT to date -- NOT as a ploy to get your W back.

BD