In my earlier paper on this subject, I shared what the solution is: a) the avoider needs adequate space on demand, and the b) clinger needs adequate reliable connection. But this is easier said than done, and this is where the Testicle Principle comes in.
I have never known an avoider who has been able to lead the way into solving this problem. Hear me? Never. When I work in my office with Avoider individuals, who cannot get their Clinging partner to come in with them, all the Avoiders have ended up stuck – failing in their marriage. Many of the pursuers have been successful and leading toward a great marriage.
I was baffled by this for some time. Then I began to suspect the problem. Panic causes a Clinger to activate. Panic causes an Avoider to shut down. Frantic active people can choose among different solutions. Shut down people stand still and freeze. Just try to get a frozen person to lead you! This will not work.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
It is kind of strange to think that the way to a happy relationship is to have your own life with others included not inclusive but that seems to be the way to go.
My scheduled dumpster (city clean up program) came this weekend and I proceeded to put most of H's stuff in it. The hardest thing was I put the waterbed that H brought into the M and we slept on together for 17 years on the free want ads. I had 4 phone calls and 3 of them bugged out. Hopefully, the 4th picks it up tonight. I didn't expect this to hit as hard as it did. He is almost out of the house now (anyone want some golf clubs?). Now I will turn my attention to painting and making the house more mine (as soon as I recover from school stuff). H is gone....maybe if I repeat that 300+ more times it will sink in.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
One day, we will all remember what we have forgotten. Then the world will seem very different. Until then, we can only work with what we know or, at least, what we think we know. You are trying hard to understand a certain person's attitude. You are even attempting to put yourself in their shoes. But they don't fit you, and they don't suit you either. Of course you need to be sympathetic and sensitive. You also need to remember though, that there's a good reason why you feel what you feel.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I woke up today and realized just how bad my communication skills were during my M. On our wedding night, H said to me "let's never fight" and I replied something along the lines of we will but we will always love each other. I was proud of how I responded but it wasn't right! I should have been more empathic and responded with "What about fighting scares you?" or "Disagreements will come up, How do you visualize us handling them". One thing I really want to learn during this is how to communicate. I have taken through work tons of communication classes and know what to say but actually practicing it was different.
Right now I need to figure out what to say to DD. Yesterday, I went to a play with a guy and my neighbors. This was not a date in my mind and he knows my situation (plus he is over 10 years my senior). Anyway, he followed me to DD's work after play because I had an hour to kill and we sat and talked. DD came out of her work and walked with straight back our car. I followed and she refused to talk to me. I stated asked what about the situation made her uncomfortable, what did she feel I did did wrong, why was she mad (not in this order)? and she remained mute. <sigh> At least I tried the right words, I think! This guy purchased season tickets when I did and will be sitting with us. Stupid of me, probably, but he didn't/doesn't mean anything to me beyond a person. I don't know what to do!!!
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
Hi BP- How old is your D? I am not good at psycho-analysing but I think you asked the right questions. I don't think it is wrong to have a friendship/aquaintance with this man. You can not live in a bubble. Does your D not have any male friends? When you get the opportunity, just explain the situation to her and let her know that nothing has changed. I am sure she will understand and even accept sitting near this gentleman at the upcoming plays.
My D will be 16 next month. DD is a lot like H and she is running in the only way she can right now - keeping herself so busy so can't think. She provided me with a schedule of school, homework, crew, and job which provides little free time. I approved it because last year during her "free" time she ended up everywhere (mall, school friends houses) and I could tell she didn't want to be home alone. She has gone with groups of people which included boys and does TM with boys but she has only gone to one dance. I want to get into her head and I think that she feels that I am being unfaithful or disloyal, pushing her dad out. Plus, it is probably scary to her...thinking about a "new" dad (haven't kicked old dad out but he does not contact her in any way) and she may not want to trust anyone else because they may walk out on her just like her dad did. I don't know if this is what she is thinking but it would be what I would be thinking.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
BP- My son (not my H's) will be 16 in a few weeks...yikes. This is such an emotional time for them and then to throw this turmoil in on top of it, just makes it all that much worse. They are very wrapped up in themselves right now so, I am sure you are right that it has more to do with her than you. Also, I was 15 when my parents split...it is a long story, but my mother had an OM...I believe she had her own MLC. I lived with my father after they split and he didn't really care what I did...fortunately, I wasn't a bad kid. Anyway, I think I really just needed my parents to show that they cared about me, that it wasn't my fault that their M fell apart and that they would always be there for me. If she can't get that from your H, then she definately needs to get it from you...but you need to do it while giving her space.
I have to tell you that your D is at a very tough age to be losing contact with her father. Have you tried to get her counseling? I believe this is a very critical time for girls because their relationship with their father can influence their relationships with their future boyfriends.
My S has been so detached from me most of the time lately, I feel like I have lost my H and my S (the way I knew them anyway). This has been hard from me to deal with. I hope your D is still connecting with you and able to communicate her thoughts and feelings.
UD - nope my DD is about the same as your son. <sigh>
Today's Hororscope for Taurus:
The older we get, the wiser we become. We grow more tolerant, more good-humoured, more easily able to handle our own problems and to give good advice to others. Well, that's the theory. In practice? Well, actually, open-mindedness is a quality of youth, not age. It is not experience that makes us wise; it is a 'willingness to learn'. That is something we can have (or fail to have) at any point in our life. Here's your chance to discover something new about how to triumph over adversity.
This is so true today for me. I just got off the phone with Al Turtle. He is an imago therapist and really amazing! (http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog). He gave me a lot of insight into H. The avoidance, guilt and pain AND gave me hope! It all boils down to what we have been told a billion times here....work on yourself and visibly show that to the other person. (Along with survive and don't pursue).
For me he said that I should work on impatience, asking questions (H probably associates questions with conflict and he avoids conflict), my blindness to things going around me, arguing and interrupting. AGGGHHH! I need to work on mirroring which is saying things such as "Let me see if I got what you said" and to make sure each person gets to their point before I talk. The first statement is usually not the point and the point may be the 25 sentence.
Some general notes: The way to "question" H since he conflict avoids is to say something like "the other day you said something that baffled me and I would like to know more about what you felt. Could you tell me later more about it?" (see his master/slave paper)
I asked what I could do now to show H visibly that I am trying new things to change. He suggest an email so could you give me input on this (Mr. Turtle did say to "that moving out made sense")
Dear H;
I was speaking with a therapist, Al Turtle, and going to a couselor trying to get a better perspective on how I can improve the way I communicate and interact with others. Mr.Turtle said that your moving out made sense. I would like you to know that I am trying to work on myself and my part of our relationship. Any help you can give me to try and understand myself better would be appreciated.
What do you think about the wording?
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
