why don't I listen to my own stories?

[Trixi]

I'm sure when he says he didn't cheat he means he didn't have sex, and I'm sure that he's very proud of himself for that. He probably thought he deserved a medal or something for his "self-restraint." I've been there. He has no idea how hurtful it was for you to have to listen to him describe his dates--he really thinks that you should be proud of how he "matured."

yeah, I figured as much. He didn't give me any specific details, but enough that I totally get the gist of the deal. And it did make me a bit ill. If I really backed up and was logical, I could tell that he was proud and that he was (in a backwards way) trying to tell me something he thought was important.

I did say that I appreciated his honesty. That I need the truth in order to make decisions for myself. I said "I don't want to punish you for being honest" and he says "It's not a punishment if you need to decide things for yourself." And I said "I meant that right now I am flipping you a lot of sht and I don't want that construed as punishment." and he said "oh. I know you're not punishing me. You're mad."

He's still got a lot of work to do, talking about "at most" a "platonic" relationship with someone else. BS. What he means by that is, he wants to lead other women on, just for the ego boost of being desired. Then he gets to pat himself on the back for "resisting temptation." At some point down the road, you'll have to explain to him that a platonic friend of the opposite sex is someone you are never alone with.

My "fear" is that he wants to have platonic relationships so he can "shop around" and then if someone really sparks it for him, I'll be thrown out like on old slipper.
He tried to tell me that I had been out on "dates" because he knew I had gone out a couple times with a couple guy friends. I said "It's about intent. I would NEVER call going out with R or D a date. And I went out with them by myself and they each paid. BUT, none of us would have called those "dates". That was getting together for lunch or breakfast. I go out to lunch all the time with clients and I don't call it a "date". No, the spirit of it is totally different than what you are talking about." He had to concede.

It would be really hard for me to totally say he couldn't do platonic get togethers because *I* do that. Of course, *I* am not the one wanting to possibly D either. Both the guys I have hung out with, though, are "friends to the marriage", know both of us and want us to reconcile. It's very different.

I am now waiting for the other shoe to fall. We spent so much time together and a lot of it he was tired from a VERY long work week and WAY too much partying at the boys camping trip. The last time I saw or spoke to him was yesterday morning when I was leaving to go work. I said "what's your deal today?" and he said "I'll be heading back. I've got stuff I need to do. I'll see you Wednesday." We're supposed to talk prior to that to discuss the details of the Wednesday date.

I had sent a link to the volunteer stuff and asked him to call. Have heard nothing back and have gotten no call. It hasn't been that long, so I'm not actually "concerned".

But, I do feel paranoid that now that he has gotten to have his physical needs met, that he will back off again and say that we shouldn't be "friends with benefits" and he needs to feel "totally broken up." Right now, I feel like if that happens, I will just tell him to f off and leave me be.