For those of you that dont know me, Im liz7, I begain posting last summer....right after the bomb!
My h and I are back together....he moved in with me around Jan, he left me in july 06....but we were together every day up tell he finally moved in.
Ok here is the issue....I can not trust this man....he tells me I am beautiful, our love life is great...tells me that he is "in love with me"...will never leave me again...if I get distant again he will talk to me instead of leaving me...etc..
I found out a month ago that he was trying to locate a girl from his old job...{I am the only one working, he just started college)...when I asked him about it he said he "thought" he had feelings for her...but it was just the pressures of work, and she was supportive to him...well now I just found out that he was on the internet looking for her "my space" he denied it but when I should the history of the computer with her name in it, he just said he wasnt going to talk to her, but only wanted to see what she was up too.
Now he tell me that when he was seperated from me, he talked to some woman on the phone twice, she invited him to dinner at her place..but he never showed up...and has never talked with her again...
I keep asking him...is there anything else he needs to tell me, he says no...and that is it now. he says he never slept with another woman or anything..not even held hands.. the stange thing is that I had a few months ago felt funny, I went into his cell phone...found some unknown numbers... called them the other day, the same first name as the girl he worked with, but different last name...he had two different numbers...one with the just the letter of the first name...and the other with the full first name...he says he doesnt know the person...or name.. I called the numbers, one is disconnected, the other one the girl said she didnt know him...
have any of you gone through this????? And how do I trust him when he doesnt tell me these things..until he is caught??
If someone is hiding things then trust is questionable. If he is not sharing this information with you, explaining it and having you be a part of it, then it's difficult to know his purpose for it.... and how far he would (or will) go with his curiosity.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hang in there, we'll get you through this. Don't panic - remember your old pals Time and Patience?
OK, first things first. DBing (in my opinion) starts with YOU, not with the relationship. How are YOU doing? How's your PMA? Are you still working on GALing? Do you feel strong and confident and happy? Once your H comes back to the M, that's not the time to backslide into your old habits - that's the time to double your DBing efforts. DBing is what got you to that happy place - keep going forward from there, for YOURSELF.
Second, remember that this is a journey, and you never really reach the end. That's why we're here in the Piecing forum - because there's still plenty of work to do. The bottom line is that a relationship, even a happy one, requires constant care and feeding. What I'm saying is, don't fall into the trap of assuming that one day there's a light switch flipped and everybody lives blissfully ever after.
Third, if it weren't for this stuff from the phone and the Internet, how would you have said your R was coming along? You said H is back in school - that sounds like a positive thing. Is it? You mentioned an old job - what happened there? Is he struggling with stuff to do with employment and self-worth?
Fourth, maybe H has had some problems - even some backslides. Keep in mind that we ALL have backslides. And if he did, maybe he does feel guilty about it and nervous about you knowing, just due to the problems your R has faced in the past year. Perhaps, without further evidence of real problems, it would be OK to give him the benefit of the doubt?
And finally, I'm going to say something I think you already know. QUIT SNOOPING. For one thing, it just about always takes you down the dark path, rather than improving things. For another, you can't build a trusting relationship by spying on your spouse.
Trust is a choice... I refer you back to one of my best posts ever from my own thread - some of the toughest and most worthwhile lessons I ever learned were about trust, at this time: Rob's lesson about trust
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Stop snooping, sweetie. And...well...does it really matter what happened when you were apart? You can't change it. So, here and now is all that matters. Guess what else? If H is going to cheat, you can't stop him.
So do what Rob said and work on YOU. Stay detached...even now when my M is really, really great, staying detached and GAL are my two best strategies.
Let go of the fear. Let go of the notion that you have any control over anyone but yourself.
Love you. Make you happy. H is responsible for himself.
Love you sweetie!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Amen! Quit snooping! It really kills your PMA. Even if you don't find anything, it will always make you suspicious. That's not good for your R. If your H is going to cheat, he will and the M is over anyways. Just worry about working on yourself and let go of the control.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Woah Liz ..... remember Piecing is s - l - o - w too, slower I think than DB'ing.
OK, you have snooped. Yes try not to. But what's the real issue here? You feel at present you cannot trust your H. So own that problem. it's yours, not his.
This is something you will have to work through, what you need from your H is the patience to let you go through it. You are both still struggling to build that great R, you are both going through this. If you two can agree that you are both working towards having a happy R and that you are not setting out to hurt each other deliberately then that really is great! The rest of it is as Rob says time and patience.
Good luck, you CAN get through this, but piecing is long. This time last year I was piecing, it's only just recently I've felt entirely comfortable with H. Chin up lass!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I do so need to get back my pma....right now work is stressful...not only transistion in my personal life (h started college...we need to move closer to his school...I need to find a new job}....and then trying to stay positive about our R...alot for one to handle that is for sure!!!
I did want to share with you all about what h did when I did confornt him on this girl....
he did say that he didnt tell me because it would cause me pain because he knew I would react the way I did...and he said it was nothing...so he felt it wasnt worth telling me.... it was one of my strong days...and I told him that we had promised to be honest with each other...he said he was sorry and that I was right...he promised to never do it again...I said that now he needs to prove that I can trust him....he agreed... we cry alot together for the pain we have caused each other...promised to share everything with each other..never get distant again...
Our 15 yr annniverary is tuesday...we are going out to dinner on sat...S26 is taking us out...and tuesday h and I are renewing our vows to each other (his idea after I caught him looking for girl from work on internet).... So I pray that I dont screw things up...and keep positve...one day at a time!!!!
Thanks guys!!!! Again you have come to my rescue!!!!
I said that now he needs to prove that I can trust him....he agreed...
I have to disagree with your statement, Liz. He doesn't have to prove anything. In fact, he can't. Trust is a choice, and it's your responsibility.
I had to choose to trust that H was over LW. I had to choose to trust he's telling me the truth about being happy. It's my responsibility to bestow trust. There are no guarantees, that's why it's called Trust.
Sounds like you're caught up in a lot of stress. Take it one day at a time, just like when your sitch went bad. Don't think about everything you have to do, just think about the next thing you have to do, then the next, and the next.
And yeah, be good to yourself. Make your H paint your toenails or make dinner. Do something just for Liz, okay?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
If you continously look for proof, you'll end up being suspicious and anxious all the time. It's not good for you. In fact, your constant wanting reassurance will drive him away. Just have to make a choice that you will trust.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
If you continously look for proof, you'll end up being suspicious and anxious all the time. It's not good for you. In fact, your constant wanting reassurance will drive him away. Just have to make a choice that you will trust.
You hit it right on.....and yep....SD, Dave you are both so right, I just need to decide to trust him, and stop snooping and waiting for proof that I can trust him! This will not be easy, but I can do it...with friends like all of you!!! And I have told him that I was going to "just start trusting him" so I need to keep up my end of the bargain too.
Thanks SD, yep...one thing at a time....Things just keep happening ever sense last summer...but I get my first paid vecation in a few weeks....time for me!!!!
