some advice pls oldtimers...

[HBT]

Hello all! Well I need to get back online after a week off without this list to lean on. I'm having such overwhelming emotions this morning; no wonder my h has been 'staying here' for days but has packed his things back up again and poof-back to my insane reality. I'm sure the kids will be surprised he's not here at the end of the day. My heart is pounding out of my chest, was soaked with sweat and simply past out from the exhaustion for about an hour or so. Man, I have got to get it together and GAL. This is definitly the most difficult thing I have ever lived through in my life.

I so appreciate all the feedback and support here on this web; I keep going back to read everyone's postings trying to compare and make sense of it. Sometimes I feel lucky at the 'little things' I still get from h but then I am overwhelmed by the craziness of us not being each other's other half as we've always been. We were SO very close, so affectionate to each other.

Back to my week, I took the kids to our family trip(w/o h) and h shows up the morning before we go, so that took me aback but I was glad to see h. So hard to drive away w/o him and I was distraught the entire car ride, trying to hide it. H calls once a day-THEN surprises me and shows up there the last day before we come home. We end up staying an extra day, his idea! So we all come home this weekend(sep cars) and he decides to stay at the house. I was so thankful of these positive signs even though not hearing the usual ILY and the distant stare just KILLS ME!! I still don't understand how it just disappears like that! We watched TV and ate together all ok but I'm dying inside! Well, h packed up his things and went to work this am with a peck and 'goodbye'. Seemed so final! I tried to not do the R talks during this time but sometimes it still crept up before I could catch it; its just so hard. I told him I just wanted to shake him or hit him over the head to knock some sense in him! I know, I am losing it! He did say a few things that were encouraging but his actions tell the tale, and that blank look. Sometimes I see him 'trying hard' and it feels fake. What a horrible feeling! I know he is confused and feels guilty; I want so bad for him to be real again!


Why can't he feel me anymore like before?? I feel so broken and alone with myself and my feelings. I read on a post this am about a 'droplet' type of h-I think thats him. He is definitely keeping tabs on us and wants to come by but doesn't or can't committ. I guess I feel lucky I'm getting that much from him but I can't stand this rejection!! Please help me do this...