Been a long time again… and well I think I need some guidance now more then anything.
I stopped posting on these boards a while back because I felt it was holding me back rather then helping me move forward. I guess seeing everyone in the same state as me kind of depressed me a bit and I needed to forget about my failed marriage and work on myself and move on.
I’ve done just that and well things took a very sharp turn a week back.
Just a quick recap of the situation in point form.
W dropped the bomb this past Dec 27th ILYBNILWY
W was seeing OM “Helping him get back on his feet” BS !!
W left Feb 16th and the lies and deception began along with some counselling for me.
For five long hard months I took lie after lie after lie about her and the OM living with each other. While friends kept me updated on events (did not probe, was just told) Not cool to know what I did.
GAL to the extreme and started to move on with my life. Was still and are not 100% sure If I want to work on this.
May is when I made my mistake and I now hang my head in shame and admit I got involved with a OW for a few weeks. It was a PA and EA for me.. It was a dark time for me and I needed to feel desired and have some affection. I saw her for who she was and took myself from the situation… it is unfortunate it happens to be a close friends roommate that lives across the street for me…
So after this brief stint I just focused on me and the house.. little to no contact with W, maybe once a week or two she would call and I had no desire to speak to her. I was polite, but not loving. Kept the conversations short.
Went to a good friends wedding July 7th (my bday) and met a really nice girl and we hit it off well chatting. Got her number and we talked a few days after. We both agreed we where not looking for a R, but friends. I have spent plenty of time with her and even drive her to work, since she lives a block away from me and just 3min from my office. She knows of the situation and has major beefs with my W.
July is when I started to see the W start to come around. She would not talk much about her situation, but I could tell something was not right.
Mid July she called me and left a message for me to call her back. Called on my lunch and this is when stuff started to go down. She told me it is not working with her and OM and that he is verbally abusive and not holding his weight paying bills and stuff. She asked If she could leave for a weekend with me in August. I said at the time I maybe able to, but we will see.
I was not holding my hopes on the weekend away and did not think it would happen.
Sunday Aug 5th, wife called me and started to ball her eyes out and apologies for all that has happened and said she thought she would be happier after she left me. She told me that the OM had been doing crack (again) and did it in front of her to prove a point. He locked her out in the balcony in apartment. She had to bust through the glass and got a nasty cut on her arm (4 staples) originally she lied about it to me and said she fell.
Fast forward a little to Aug 17th. We ended up going to her moms cottage and had some 1 on 1 time talking about a whole lot of stuff from the past six months. We did some of the fun things we used to and it sorta felt like old times. She admitted to the whole EA and PA with OM and I admitted mine with OW. She wants to move back in… still I did not believe her one bit. How could I ?
Well last night is when it all started to go down. I ended helping her move out from her apartment ( she asked) along with some friends.
Managed to get 95% of her stuff moved… one of the hardest things I have done in a while. See all the stuff she bought with him and where apart of there R.
We unloaded it all at my house in the living room… She spent the night with her GF to get a ride back to pick up her car and retrieve her dog being held hostage by OM. I still don’t believe this is coming to an end with her and OM and wont till she has no contact with him. She claims she does not and will not speak to him after she gets the dog back. This is something I asked of her if she moved back.
Well I think that sums most of it up… I guess I can be considered piecing now.. I feel worried and know I err we have a long road ahead of us.
sorry for my poor grammer and spelling with aM and the long post.
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
Yes, she is back and that is good but she is pretty messed up. She needs counseling. is she going to a therapist. She has seen drug and verbal abuse. You are her husband and I applaud you for being protective and kind. Success in this sitch may be your patience and her sympathy. This sounds like another divorce busted due to dating others.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
You are both really young... Work on growing and learning. You should both be reading books on marriage, relationships, affairs, etc... and going to some quality marital counseling. If possible, you should consider waiting awhile before having kids. It's best to have a strong marriage before going there.
A couple good books "Not 'Just Friends,'" (great for understanding affairs and healing from them), and "Getting Back Together." Even though you are already back together it's a great book for helping to reconnect during and after a separation.
Best of luck to you!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Unfortunately most of us aren't taught how to choose a potential spouse and how to create good relationships and strong marraiges. (I've heard that in the mormon religion this is formally taught, but for the rest of us we're winging it).
It's kind of a shame because happiness is rooted to our connectedness with family and friends. If you think about it, a stable and loving marriage is going to help make for a better life. So.... pick up one book for now... but then after you finish it keep reading!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
this first months will be hard, you'll second quess yourself lots (Im there, though I know in the bottom of my heart I must want my H) so when things go bump dont' despair. Are you guys going together for a MC session ? that would help too
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
the real kicker is things where going A1 for me up until last week when all this started to go down.
I helped her move Sunday and all her stuff is sitting in the living room. It is so freakin hard to see that stuff when I get home and when I go for work. Yet she is still now home with me
I have to give her some time to figure stuff out. I notice today when she spoke she was making excuses for not being home already. I may have pushed a little to much to soon. I have now backed off and will let her decide without my presure.
She comented again on " I'm affaid this is not going to work" I agreed and said I have the same fear and just as much to loose.
So I will get back to GALing, which was getting pretty easy. patience will be the key !
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
Maybe I missed something along the way.....but do you WANT her back home with you? I don't hear it when you talk about her coming back. It is like she chose this ONLY b/c things did not work out with OM and she saw him for the loser he was.....instead of seeing you, wanting you, and choosing you OVER the OM. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but I would just be leary about it. Something doesn't ring true here.
I am one that does not believe a peson falls out of love and goes to OP and then falls out of love and runs back to the first person. It takes time to get through the issues and the emotions, etc. Why doesn't she go somewhere else until you two have time to really work through your problems and see each other (like dating) for a while? Why does she have to move straight from his place to yours?
To me, it sounds as though you dread to see her come.....and perhaps with good reason. I hope you are not opening yourself for a lot more heartache due to unresolved issues. I certainly hope that she stays in C.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are at a crossroads with your wife. How you proceed from here will make the difference in whether you stay married or not. You need to work through the problems of the past and have a positive approach for the future.
A Retrouvaille weekend would be a fabulous first step for you. It would give you and your wife a full weekend to understand yourselves and each other. Check the website, http://www.retrouvaille.org for dates and locations.
