Donna, Did you mean that both kids are in your bed? My kids have been trying to sneak in my room nightly. I will be getting a dog soon, for security, therapy, companionship. I think having a dog in the house may be a good substitute for a H, whaddya think? But kidding aside, my kids genuinly seem lonely with my H gone. I have to work more andI am trying to GAL, it is hard enough being like a single mom without single mom benefits, whatever those are?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Sara--That has been the most hurtful thing in all that he has done. It really did almost kill me.
mk--We got the puppy in April. Just to warn you--it is like having an infant all over again. Have you ever had a dog? They take a lot of work, but I was home full-time, and just going back tomorrow. Look into rescue organizations for one who is 1 or 2 years old (or older) so you don't have to go through the housetraining if you haven't done it before. I also believe in crate training--it becomes their "den." Good rescue places will help you with training or be able to refer you to one. I am a dog person and will always have one in my life.
Well, I slept from about 11 until 3; I hope I can get back to sleep for a little while, at least. Jumped on here with some rice pudding and friends :0)
On the way home from grocery shopping with the kids tonight, we ended up driving up the street behind CW's truck. S asked if I was still angry with / fighting with her...I guess they've noticed that I haven't talked to her or their family for the summer. I said we'd talk about it another time. That will be something else to tell H about today--I am going to talk to S & D separately so it is developmentally appropriate, but they have to know before school starts and it leaks.
I remember back to H's threat against me: "You turned my mother against me. If you do that with my kids, I will kill you..."
Amazing that he is the one who f*cked up and I get blamed for it all...
I want to see if I can get a provision in today's motion to have us both attend separate counseling with a professional on how to deal with divorce and affairs with the children, beyond the required class. The psychiatrist that I saw is part of a group--she said she would have someone see him, and they can confer about the case. We need family counseling...and he could certainly use some shrinking himself. Now, I have to figure out how to word that.
This part sounds straightforward enough though: "I want to see if I can get a provision in today's motion to have us both attend separate counseling with a professional on how to deal with divorce and affairs with the children, beyond the required class. The psychiatrist that I saw is part of a group--she said she would have someone see him, and they can confer about the case."
Talk to the mediator, not H. Get rid of the blaming language.
"I would like a provision for us both to attend separate counseling with a professional on how to deal with divorce and new relationships with the children. My therapist recommends that (s)he confer with someone who has met with H about the case, so that they can figure out the best approach for the kids."
The money is reinstated. So is the no-contact clause. He actually agreed that neither of us would introduce a new partner into the kids' lives for at least 12 months past the case management date (11/19). (I brought up having it in effect for both of us--that it was too much to ask of the kids, and he asked for a time frame). And it was signed. The judge accepted it, but modified it to the end the case management date, when we can then extend the stipulation.
She also suggested that we get with a lawyer, at least a mediator, to go over specifics as far as the property, and we will have to think about the pensions, the life insurance, wills and tax ramifications before the case management date.
She asked us why a legal sep, rather than a divorce. He said medical insurance and taxes. I added, hope.
I am so drained from today. I should be happy, but I am so far from it. It was emotional again, but not as bad. I felt more prepared. He expected me to bring a L with me, and was surprised when I didn't.
He has been stewing for at least a week. Seems that CW told him, that her H told her, that I said (whew!) that I was going to take him for everything that he had!! I almost started crying again right there--has he NOT been paying attention that I love him and don't want any of this, but also want him to be happy?!? So, either her H lied, or she lied. I won't ever speak to either of them again. Lesson learned.
I told him that I don't expect to speak to him before the case management date unless something with $$ or kids can't be handled by email. I also said, that for me, I won't be dating until it is all over, but that I have been thinking about the possibilities that are out there.
I asked him if he was going to talk to the kids about what happened--he doesn't remember his suggestion that he lie and say that he started dating CW after the sep. I gave him a few names of child counselors to speak with before starting to talk to them. It has to come out, and he really should be the one to do it. I just said that I wish he could tell the kids that he made a huge mistake, that it was wrong...but he doesn't even feel like what he did was adultery. So many rationalizations.
We agreed that we would continue to discuss counseling for us and the kids (not to reconcile, mind you), so I may email your idea to him in a week or two, OT. I already gave him the phone numbers to call. Remember that he took all of those books that I had marked up so long ago about finding love again? (LL, Getting the Love you Want, even DR)...I asked him to please give them back...he said he hadn't gotten the chance to look at them, yet. I won't even begin to fathom a guess. Maybe he burnt them? Who knows...
I think that he felt some pressure from me at times, but I tried so hard not to beg or plead this time. I just get so sad when I am around him, that close. I am so frustrated. I miss him terribly.
I kept thinking of all of Gottman's 4 horses of the Apacolypse theory--I got to see all 4 of them today.
He doesn't want me or love me anymore. More than he wants to come home. More than he loves and misses his children, his parents and family, his friends, his house and financial security. More than his image in the community.
And no amount of changes in me, no amount of apologizing, will ever make him want that again. If anything is to ever happen at all, it will come from him alone. I am just so sorry for all of it. I still don't think that it had to be this way, but that is the way it is.
I hear your sadness coming through. Fact remains, you were very successful today. You did good. When you get back to yourself, you'll be proud.
Yes, let him go. It's true, it's only love if he comes back of his own volition. And really, don't take it so personally. That man you dealt with today is not the man you married. Can't say why he changed. Only know that he changed. Not the same man. Let him go.
I am glad that good things came out of today, but I understand that it would be hard to go through.
You are right that you need to let him go. You wouldn't want the person that he is right now anyway. And even though the changes that you make in yourself won't change his mind, it doesn't matter because you needed to make those changes for YOU and no one else. Your H may have chosen to throw his life in the gutter, but your life doesn't have to go there too, and you should be very thankful for that.
Donna, This process sound extremely draining. You have made many good decisions to protect yourself. Regarding what to say to the kids, I read a book called What About The Kids.
It is unfair and misleading to lie about an affair. Especially since even sall children have or will hear the rumours and gossip. Obviously, kids will be privy to this. The book states that the Adulterous spouse admit that he has done something he is not proud of and that he feels sorry for what he has done. Do not offer any further details depending on the age. Small kids will not understand and teens will get grossed out.
My D6's Th has also echoed this because she thinks children need to be taught that having a OP is wrong when people are married so that they will not accept that behavior when they are grown ups.
I am not a TH so I do not know. But I know my kids have heard things that are not from me or my H. My H is in deep denial about what they know and it sounds like yours is also.
Maybe tyu should just date before the divorce is final. It seems like that has busted a lot of divorces on the forum.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
{{{Sara, Kat, mk}}} Thanks for checking in on me...I slept pretty well, and am up early to get the kids ready for the first day of school.
Yes, I have to let him go. He has even come right out and asked me to. He said that it doesn't have to be as hard as I am making it...I really don't understand that statement very much, except that he thought I should have moved on long ago, that he has been telling me since Feb that our M was over for him. He told me yesterday that he hoped I never experience that day when he realized that he put it 21 years, and had nothing to show for it, no love left for me at all.
Kat, I am grateful for the changes that I have made, and the goals I've been defining and planning with. I don't think I have been this in tune with myself since I was a teenager. That is a good thing. And it seems that he will miss out on all of it.
mk--We filed for a legal sep, not a divorce. So I want to stand by my morals and wait until after the final hearing before dating. Even then, we technically are still married, but legal sep can be indefinite, so it really does terminate the bond. My vows meant something to me that I don't want to loose.
Oh, well. First day of work. I will finally have something steady to get my mind off of this whole mess (at least a little bit). Thank you all for being "there" with me yesterday. I did right by my kids.
