Where is my wife?

[chromosphere]

Yep, that poisoned the well, but NOT because you were being vulnerable. You weren’t. You were trying to manipulate her into rescuing you. You were on your pity pot and she knew it. To me this says she has the strength to give you what you want but she also has the sense to know that you have not truly asked for it.

To be frank, I'm not convinced yet of her strength to "give me what I want", but don't take that as W-bashing. She hasn't exactly had the best M role-models so she is having to do a lot of learning about R's herself. Neither of us has been particularly strong in the past.

I believe that your display of “remorse” was only you feeling sorry for yourself and she knew it. Think of it this way, when you see someone who is down on him/herself on this board, you can sense how much is self pity and how much is real depression. The depression draws a lot of sympathy on the board. The self pity draws a lot of confrontation. The board can see through the difference. Your wife can too.

Good point.

I don’t blame you for ding the alpha male thing. I think it is VERY important to do. But you do it for YOU, not to convince your wife that you have somehow transformed. If you are disappointed that she has not responded to the new Chrome, then what does that say about your original motives?

I understand that, and primarily it has been for me. And she has responded to the changes I made. This depressive episode really doesn't have much to do with the details of how she responded, but more to do with my own self-doubt and the vicious cycle it can cause. In the past I would just doubt myself excessively. Now I doubt myself excessively and am aware of how that sabotages my efforts, which causes more doubt, etc. I'm not trying to say that I am not somewhat disappointed that we aren't fecking like bunnies all the time, but I am very aware of the progress we (and she) has made on our R. We still have a ways to go though, and sometimes that overwhelms me as much as it overwhelms her.

I do understand Blackfoot’s perspective, but I not sure you do, based on this paragraph. As I stated above, your reason for making these changes is to eventually gain attraction from your wife. Blackfoot does not have this as a purpose, His aim is to be true to himself and let the attraction come from wherever it may. Maybe that is your wife, maybe not. He is single now and is not trying to attract a particular person. He is waiting for the right person who will find his persona to be a show of both strength and vulnerability. This will require a very confident and secure woman.

I disagree to some degree. I understand blackfoot's perspective better than you think, and I am very aware of how different our lives are and how our life motivations have differences. I also (as I thought I stated clearly) know that he is trying to change me for me, which will build attraction. I do often focus too much on the attraction side, but that is the inherent neediness that I am trying to slowly weed out of my psyche. Intellectually I do understand his POV very well. Emotionally, its still working its way in.

Now THIS is one place where the alpha male needs to come out. This is the type of self pity comment that your wife can see right through. There are plenty of ways to respond to my question but you chose a self deprecating one. She might think that you are a liar, but I bet she really doesn’t want to. I bet she really wants to find any other answer than that. To say her husband is a liar is not too appealing for any woman. But what she probably can handle is knowing that her husband has been hurt, is scared, loves her very much, and does not want to lose her. THAT answer she can handle. So let your words and actions reflect the truth so she doesn’t have to finagle a way to believe that you aren’t a liar. Don’t make her be responsible for always rescuing you.

Point taken. I have melded my answer to yours and others comments in a response to Crazy Eddie above. Please feel free to comment.

One last thing… do you get any exercise?

Not as much as I should, and based on my discussion with cac I'm starting to see that there is an external reason for my ennui that I need to battle. Now that I am aware it is there, I think I can get around it.

Chrome