W is proceeding with D. She is very sure and I could tell that this has become something that she's somewhat okay with. She really believes it is the answer. She is not bluffing and she is not acting in anger. She has told me that she will always love me, but she simply cannot move past the hurt.
Because of her calm, caring tone, I thought I might as well throw out the Retrouvaille idea. She said that she would consider it...Seriously consider it. But she said she doesn't want me to pay that kind of money if she's going to just be pissed to be there all weekend. I asked her to just think of it as one last resort. If she really loved me and really wished that we weren't in this sitch, then 3 days seems a small price to pay. I told her that I would want her to open up to the ideas and really participate and have an open mind about what could happen. I also told her that if she didn't get anything from the weekend, I wouldn't push for the follow-up sessions.
She is 100% convinced that she can't get over the hurt that I've caused her. IMO, the hurt that I've caused is fairly small and can easily be overcome with a little help. I understand that it's very deep, and it comes down to her having the feeling that I stopped loving her and that she wasn't good enough for me. While I know that's serious, I believe that it can be overcome. I don't see that as a M killer. She needs some help to let go of the past and forgive.
First question: How do they help a spouse like my W to get past the hurt? There's still a lot of love there, but she is hurt and angry.
Second question: Any idea of how to gently "push" her? I don't want to guilt her into it and I don't want her to feel pushed. I just need her to feel like it isn't a waste of time. It seems like she's almost on-board.
It's my understanding that both partners have to have some desire to fix their M. I know that, on some deep level, she does. But she feels like it is impossible.
Third question: If she is feeling pretty defensive and is not entirely willing to work, will Retrouvaille still help? If she has the attitude that it cannot help, can it?
