There is a problem with that. During my EA, I did pour out my fears to her, so now the "well is poisoned" so to speak. I used to just sit there in the room and cry and cry and then later tell her how much I wanted her to need me and want me and blah blah.
Yep, that poisoned the well, but NOT because you were being vulnerable. You weren’t. You were trying to manipulate her into rescuing you. You were on your pity pot and she knew it. To me this says she has the strength to give you what you want but she also has the sense to know that you have not truly asked for it.
I feel sick just remembering all that. Every time since then that I have expressed my fears or feelings of depression, she has retreated. Can you blame her? She can't be my "soft place to land" because I ripped her to shreds by trying to forcibly land on her.
I believe that your display of “remorse” was only you feeling sorry for yourself and she knew it. Think of it this way, when you see someone who is down on him/herself on this board, you can sense how much is self pity and how much is real depression. The depression draws a lot of sympathy on the board. The self pity draws a lot of confrontation. The board can see through the difference. Your wife can too.
What made this so obvious in your situation, at least IMO, was the sudden turn around from depression to the alpha male thing. Have you EVER seen anyone in your life switch gears like this and do a complete 180 that was a true, permanent change? No one does this. It might happen as a training exercise, but even then the changes take a long time to implement and a person can vacillate back and forth. Your wife knows you were working on yourself but there was no way for her to know what the outcome would be. You were resolved in your efforts but that does not mean she had to be. She was cautious, she withdrew, and now it seems her instincts were right. I don’t blame you for ding the alpha male thing. I think it is VERY important to do. But you do it for YOU, not to convince your wife that you have somehow transformed. If you are disappointed that she has not responded to the new Chrome, then what does that say about your original motives?
I do see your points, but I think you are not hearing all of what Blackfoot is trying to tell me and others. He doesn't want me to build a paper shell around my insecurities. He was trying to get me to see that my insecurities were based on false premises and that until I am true to myself and who I really am, I will never succeed. He never advocating me to really fake it. The "fake it till you make it" is not really about faking it. Its about trusting your true self above the false self that your low self-esteem is lying to you about. If that makes any sense (head still swirling).
I do understand Blackfoot’s perspective, but I not sure you do, based on this paragraph. As I stated above, your reason for making these changes is to eventually gain attraction from your wife. Blackfoot does not have this as a purpose, His aim is to be true to himself and let the attraction come from wherever it may. Maybe that is your wife, maybe not. He is single now and is not trying to attract a particular person. He is waiting for the right person who will find his persona to be a show of both strength and vulnerability. This will require a very confident and secure woman.
Your situation is not that. Your wife still has a lot of growth in front of her. A man like Blackfoot will likely turn her off. I would be surprised if she would feel connected and loved by some of his actions or words. She is still too enmeshed. A man who is too differentiated might feel uncaring to her. I think he told you as much. IMO there is a big difference in your objectives and that of Blackfoot. So the process you each use should be weighed carefully.
Cobra: Yet by playing the strong, alpha male, you never admit to your fears and never trust her enough to expose your fears to her. How should she interpret this?
Chrome: That I am a liar?
Now THIS is one place where the alpha male needs to come out. This is the type of self pity comment that your wife can see right through. There are plenty of ways to respond to my question but you chose a self deprecating one. She might think that you are a liar, but I bet she really doesn’t want to. I bet she really wants to find any other answer than that. To say her husband is a liar is not too appealing for any woman. But what she probably can handle is knowing that her husband has been hurt, is scared, loves her very much, and does not want to lose her. THAT answer she can handle. So let your words and actions reflect the truth so she doesn’t have to finagle a way to believe that you aren’t a liar. Don’t make her be responsible for always rescuing you.
Will showing that I do have times of weakness help her believe in my strength.
As far as I know, that is what true strength is, don’t you think?
