I think the dating thing is an experiment for myself (a 180 directed at me?), since it is such a different idea for me, with no prior experience. Not as an adult, anyway. OT, taking things Slowly (LOVE that name, and glad you are stopping in!). Prodding myself into moving forward, and getting a little of an ego-boost. But I am not about to go out cruising bars or other meat-markets. My bff was curious to hint it to H, as well (after Monday), to see his reaction. May be interesting to have a "virtual" other interest at first. I am certainly in no rush, as it seems now that I will probably have the forseeable future to date.
Dave--all of my guy friends are married...but I'm still GAL with all of these great women, and on my own when I am interested in something. Things are about to get really busy again in my life (thank goodness!), as I get back to work, kids in school and taking (retaking) a grad class.
Slowly--I have been thinking of the scripts, and will be writing them out during the day today while the kids are with H. I may even bring them with me on a little cheat-sheet. I found it so useful when IC and I went over my two main concerns for Monday, to have something in my head (I was really off-guard for him last week, and it lead to a weak showing and all of the tears). I need to be ready for tomorrow--I'll try to carry you all in there with me. And I have to bounce it off of someone today, to try to come up with possible BS arguements and rationalizations so I can get things back on track.
I don't think he will be asking to hold my hand tomorrow.
Picture us all sitting there with you Donna - cuz you know we'll be there in spirit.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Well, looks like I will be on my own tomorrow, at least physically. I will have a pic of the kids, and my long list of friends and family, near and far, with me.
I have been working myself up for this for most of the day. Not crying, just going over other's threads, advice, my notes, possible scenarios and scripts. I have to pick the kids up in 1/2 hour.
When I dropped the kids off today, I saw H at the top of his stairs, and didn't feel anything at all. I think I saw him wave out of the corner of my eye as I was driving away, but not sure. Told the kids that I hope they have a good time.
I'll be organized tomorrow, wearing my "suit of armour" (business dress, make-up and hair) and have my love's token tucked around my sleeve (pics and names) for good luck. I feel like I am going into battle. It makes me so sad to think that it has come to this, and I hope that I am only over-reacting to what is about to happen. But I would rather be prepared for the worse than blind-sided like last week.
This is not the man I married. He is a stranger to me.
Maybe he was right, and this is the way it had to be, for me to finally be able to let go. Perhaps that has driven his choices as he struggled to be free. He said once that I wouldn't stop until the final D papers were in front of me. He has been looking for a way to make it over for a while, and I think he found it.
OT wrote this to Heimlich:
Quote:
This is a boundary: "I will not keep the door open on my M if I learn W sleeps with OM."
Sure, you can share that boundary with W.
But, ask yourself what it tells her? She already knows you don't want her f*cking some other guy. So that isn't new info. But, it does tell her precisely what to do if you won't get the h*ll out of her sh*t and give her the space she needs. So, the next time she wants more space, you will have told her exactly what to do to get it: go f*ck OM and let you find out.
"I think she was relieved when I started to get more distance and started seeing other people. I don't think I gave her enough breathing room, but we did get along really well. "
Hmmm. So, W had to get D to get the space she wanted. Perhaps the D would not have been necessary if she had more space during S. JustMe couldn't give her that space without the D and without dating. But, it is possible to give someone space without dating or getting a D. It is simply a matter of whether you choose to do it or not.
I hope that I can learn from that and finally give H the space he needs. He has said that, because I didn't/couldn't give him that space right after the bomb in Nov, it "drove" him to the affair, and has told others that there were no other way that this could have happened. I abhor that statement, but it makes alien-sense when viewed through the above quote.
I haven't told H what my boundaries are, when I will throw in the towel. But I think that I have, in a sense. I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. The (small) part that he will play is parallel-parent and child support. I really don't even need another friend right now, although that may change someday. ****
A question that I still have:
If we all need to learn to become detached, what is it that binds people together when it does work? Is interdependence a bad thing?
I am no expert, donna, but it seems to me what binds people together is both of them wanting to be bound together. if one member doesn't want to be, its not going to work. which is why I can db till I'm blue in the face, but if H doesn't want me anymore, and prefers ow, nothing is going to change. but if I db and he remembers why he loved me and realizes what he is losing, and chooses to come back, well, that is where the binding together would be.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Detachment is what allows for interdependence rather than codependence. Trust me, detachment really is the key to amazing intimacy. Don't be scared to be OK, it doesn't mean giving up on real love, it just means finding better and deeper ways to love.
I will get to grasshoppers thread for a while to see some of the good stuff. Is there a certain one/thread or link that you would recommend starting with?
I got as together as I could today. Not much in the organizing stuff, but mentally, and spoke to some really support friends and family. Someone mentioned that I may want to write a brief email to my estranged sister, just telling her that I am separated and see where she goes with that. Something to consider.
Right now I am tired, and off to bed. Both kids are squeezing in with me. I am even being supported by them at times--cute, but I have to watch for damage to them. They shouldn't have to be dealing with any of this mess.
Thanks for the well-wishes! If anyone needs to get in touch with me, I can be reached at 203 994 9923. It will be off during sessions, but I can listen to the email and hear some supportive voices :0)
Tues starts the switch in shift to back-to-school, supplies, scouts, grad school, union issues, lesson plans, duty, etc. I am meeting it all with open arms.
Good luck tomorrow. On the subject of what he did to you, I think the lying in the face of what you could see and feel, so that you doubted your own sanity was the biggest thing. And it occurred to me that your pain was so palpable, I felt it here in Florida. I had trouble sleeping nights worrying about you -- a stranger, who I had never met -- and your husband wouldn't even give you the truth so you could make sense of the situation. (Don't mention that I tend toward insomnia.) Hugs.
