I'm not so sure. Like I mentioned in a previous response, I've poisoned the well a bit. I'm afraid that showing my fears will cause another retreat, and that retreat is painful to me. I have been trying to ALLOW her to retreat when she needs to, to be strong enough not to let it throw me into the pit, because that is about her not me. To show her that she can be herself and do what she needs and not worry about me. Am I erecting a barrier to intimacy with this idea?
Yes. You need to reach out to her, but it's all in how you do it. As Mojo said elsewhere:
Originally Posted By: MJontheMend
What the cow should want in a relationship is a man who is strong enough to show some vulnerability, not a boy who needs a mother. For example, a man who isn't afraid to show that he is touched that you baked him a cake for his birthday, not the guy who whines that you didn't make dinner the way he likes it.
So what you're going for here is not continuous crying like before, but simple, calm requests of things she can do to help you feel better. She knows something's wrong; you can't hide that. What you can do is show some strength as you bear up under it and talk about it, and some openness as you enlist her help without expecting her to figure out how to make you feel better all on her own with no useful input from you.
Yes, yes.
Also, you said, "I think she is skeptical because I have never before been strong. Will showing that I do have times of weakness help her believe in my strength. I guess I could see that possibility in a strange way." Also yes. I'm sure your wife is a smart lady, who knows that no one is superman, all strong all confident invulnerable. If you don't show your soft underbelly, she may question whether the whole thing is soft underbelly under some cheap costume armor.
I totally understand why you're gunshy about this, but there's a world of difference between the little boy and the man of MJ's example. If you can come to her as calmly as possible and express some of these fears and self doubts -- without melting down and expecting her to soothe you/"make it all better" -- and THEN carry on shouldering your tasks in life, I would think that would be a significant step toward reestablishing trust.
If you distrust your ability to maintain emotional balance during the discussion (always a strong possibility when in or around The Pit), you might try email or a letter instead. Although I think a face-to-face would be the first choice -- a calm yet vulnerable demeanor can speak volumes for you if you can pull it off -- but you will be the best judge of that based on your past interactions.
Even if she were to retreat by reflex initially .... if you can find the courage, I think it's well worth doing.
FWIW, I think Herbert's quote applies at least as much to our internal fears and doubts as to anything external ...
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
