Where is my wife?

[chromosphere]

Cobra,

I do see your points, but I think you are not hearing all of what Blackfoot is trying to tell me and others. He doesn't want me to build a paper shell around my insecurities. He was trying to get me to see that my insecurities were based on false premises and that until I am true to myself and who I really am, I will never succeed. He never advocating me to really fake it. The "fake it till you make it" is not really about faking it. Its about trusting your true self above the false self that your low self-esteem is lying to you about. If that makes any sense (head still swirling).

That does not mean you are being arrogant or self centered, but that you are creating a false self. The true Chrome is NOT bad, not deficient, not lacking or any of the other negative things you are thinking. The true Chrome has everything he needs within him, but he has been traumatize and scared to the point of fearing to make himself truly vulnerable again. That is effect of trauma, not a result of a personality lacking certain positive aspects. You have everything within you that you need.

I agree partly. And I do think that I have been gaining skills both to find the "true Chrome" and bring him out. Is it me or does anyone else here sometimes find it weird to talk about these things. The problem is that I feel like the mistakes I have made define who I am.

IMO, what you stated in your post is something you should tell your wife. Print it out and give it to her. There is a lot of honesty and vulnerability in what you say. I suspect she needs to hear this from you very badly. What you might find is that she feels similar things about herself. So try putting your deepest fears in her hands and ask her to protect you, then ask if you can do the same for her.

I'm not so sure. Like I mentioned in a previous response, I've poisoned the well a bit. I'm afraid that showing my fears will cause another retreat, and that retreat is painful to me. I have been trying to ALLOW her to retreat when she needs to, to be strong enough not to let it throw me into the pit, because that is about her not me. To show her that she can be herself and do what she needs and not worry about me. Am I erecting a barrier to intimacy with this idea?

Yet by playing the strong, alpha male, you never admit to your fears and never trust her enough to expose your fears to her. How should she interpret this?

That I am a liar?

Laying out your vulnerability as you have in your post shows that you have faith in her. Once she can truly accept your honesty (and not think it is just the latest self growth exercise) and truly gauge your sincerity, then the strong alpha male will be reassuring to her. IMO, you have put the cart before the horse and I think that is why she has remained defensive and skeptical of you. I believe you are on the right path now. Keep moving down this road to see where it takes you.

I think she is skeptical because I have never before been strong. Will showing that I do have times of weakness help her believe in my strength. I guess I could see that possibility in a strange way.

Chrome