Wow. I'm new and not real familiar with your background, but this sounds awfully like The Pit. Not the little pits we fall into every day, often by our own doing, but the comprehensive, light-devouring black hole of a Pit nobody deserves to fall into.
It's a horrible place to find yourself. Speaking from experience. Speaking from experience again, nothing that The Pit tells you has anything to do with the reality of your true self. The Pit passes .... when you've fallen in, it feels like that is the only true reality forever and everything good and hopeful is a sham .... but that is a LIE. Give it a few days and see how you feel, k?
"I'm afraid that I will always just be another liar, another cheat, another wannabe alpha male, another failed H and father." No. Only if you choose that, and you won't.
Again, don't know the details on your marriage, so forgive if this sounds insensitive ... but can you open up and share any of this with your wife? That you want so badly to make it all work and be the best husband and father you can, but you feel yourself slipping and you're afraid and want to reach out to her? No human being is without fear. Feeling fear does not make you weak. Denying fear is the dangerous course.
This is a total sci-fi geek moment, but indulge me:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear... And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” -- Frank Herbert
Been there, Chrome ... you WILL come out on the other side.
((((Chrome))))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
