I had a great time to. Thanks for sticking me in a jeep on a mountain road with a woman who is TERRIFIED, of driving on a road with anything resembling a view. LOL.
I pulled this out of corri's thread.
Me saying "I'll be happy to join in" means "I'll be happy to join in."
This is something I want to do, for a variety of reasons. One, the guy who had been mentoring me for ahwile, blackfoot, is just too busy himself to take on a project as demanding as me.
Yep Im really busy. The real reason though, is you dont really need a mentor anymore. You have the tools now, the issues you are working on... the issues anybody is working on, is for them to make decisions on. You have issues with IL, Careers, children, they all include boundaries, but the only thing I ever intended to come here and talk about was attraction. You have that, you have the tools to implement boundaries, and work on compromises, and define who you are, you just have to continue working on depending on yourself. Its lonely being the king.
You dont need me, you dont need Corri, though Im happy to, and enjoy listening to what is going on in your life. Believe in yourself, use your SEC when neccessary. You got it.
The next step in trusting in yourself is feeling.... I dont care what he thinks. Ill definitely listen, I might learn, but I know whats going on inside me best.
Cant wait for the next time. Got my new camera. :-P still p.o.ed that I lost all those shots of the lightning storm.
I guess my main question is, should I just let the fantasy go, enjoy the sensations, and if I don't O, don't worry about it? I vote for flipping her, and using her how you want too.
...for example I haven't been able to O with a condom on because they don't make them big enough [and that is NOT bragging btw])
yeah, it is.
heck, maybe thats your problem. I'd get real "LD" in a hurry if someone pointed something like that at me. heck, I'd turn around and run in the other direction!!!
Ok, seriously... One other thing that has come to my attention is that the medicine I am taking for my heart might be a problem. I am taking Betapace, Diltiazem, and Coumadin. Does anyone know of problems related to those?
geez, you got some serious heart issues to be taking all that. Beta blockers are known to cause ED...but not delayed O or ejaculation. The only thing I know of that does that is anti-depressants...(which is pretty depressing ). Calcium channel blockers (diltiazem) don't cause ed, but they do cause male infertility (which you won't see on any of their marketing sites), and the category of drugs is being studied as a potential male birth control pill. So I hope you arent' trying to make any babies...
Count your blessings. big and slow is sometimes better than small and fast.
Hmmm... I think if I was working on a guy for 20 minutes with the objective to bring him to orgasm and it wasn't happening I might try a little COMMUNICATION.
My W did/does ask if something is wrong if I don't O fairly quickly (within about 15 minutes or so). One of the problems we have is that frankly, my W is not particularly skilled at HJ or BJ. PLEASE do not take that as W-bashing, it is just that she has never taken the time to read or learn anything about it. So often what happens is that I will "take over" that aspect while she continues to do other things that she knows I likes. It works ok, and it is FAR FAR FAR superior to MB. But the few times it has worked with her in full control have been much more pleasurable, and IC is much better than that.
Of course, IC is difficult now because I stupidly was wishy-washy about getting a vasectomy, and now surgery is not recommended while I'm on blood thinners. I did hear something about chemical versions, but I haven't had an opportunity to go talk to my doctor about it. My W is considering getting implant (called Murina or something like that), but it supposed to be implanted sometime around her period and the timing hasn't been right and blah blah. The end result is that IC is with a condom, and I just have not been able to O with the darn thing on. It still feels good ... maybe its just a mental thing.
I guess I just need to start taking this to the next level, buy a sex book and start working in different things with my W. Maybe I'll find something to replace my fantasy.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
No, actually its not. It is a nuisance. I have often daydreamed about how cool it would be to just be able to slip the thing in without 5-10 minutes of slowly inching it in so she doesn't get hurt. Granted, that part can be kinda cool sometimes, but it is hard to do the "assertive" thing when I'm having to focus on how she is reacting physically to me entering her, i.e. having to watch to see if I'm going to fast because she will wince a little in pain.
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geez, you got some serious heart issues to be taking all that.
Normal precautions just after an a-fib episode.
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and the category of drugs is being studied as a potential male birth control pill. So I hope you arent' trying to make any babies...
Actually that is kinda good. Nope, no more kids for me.
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Count your blessings. big and slow is sometimes better than small and fast.
And sometimes it's not ...
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Well, I wrote out a reply to your post bf, but it seems to have vanished into cyberspace. I'll rewrite it after awhile, but I need to get some stuff off my chest.
This is a rant, plain and simple. I'm here because I don't want to say these things out loud to anyone who doesn't already know what schmuck I am. Given the fact that I've already admitted to 2 EA's, one of which continued for awhile, maintaining an "image" with you guys would be silly. But IRL is a different matter. I have to be strong, I cannot be weak. Weak is what nearly destroyed me before, and I have tried so hard to excise that weakness from me.
I am afraid.
I have been having a lot of really negative feelings about myself over the last few days. The trigger was kinda silly, and rather convoluted, but the short story is that I went to a place I hadn't been since before the first EA. For some reason, my brain decided to dump a lot of feelings memories into my head about that prior trip. I had already known about what a poor H I was at the time, how my M was in the toilet but I didn't really realize it, and how utterly negative my self-esteem was, and how close I was to just running away from it all. Anyway, that caused a dump of a whole lot of other feelings and down into the pit I went. In one of my brief lucid moments, I tried to think about why all this was coming upon me, where all these negative emotions are coming from. And I rememberd that someone told me that at the root of a lot of negative emotions was fear. And I am very afraid of a lot of things.
I am afraid that I am not up to this task. And I am afraid that my fear of not being up to the task is what is causing me to fail. I am afraid that I will never have the intimacy that I crave. But I realize that my fear has prevented me from even offering myself to my W in a way that she can accept. It is MY FEAR (perhaps combined with hers in some way) that is blocking my goal of an intimate M. I wonder if I've ever really given her a chance.
I'm afraid that all this good-feeling about myself, about my attractiveness, is all a sham. Am I really seeing what I think I'm seeing. And I'm afraid that my fears are hurting my chances at being the man I need to be for myself and my family. I am afraid that I'm slipping back into that less-than-man that I was before, the one who nearly completely sabotaged his M by inactivity, low self-esteem, fear, and finally an A. I'm afraid that I will always just be another liar, another cheat, another wannabe alpha male, another failed H and father.
I know that I am the only one who can bring happiness to myself, and I'm afraid that I'm not up to the task. And I'm afraid of being afraid because it sabotages me.
Rant over
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
First, recall that you were in a different place recently and you'll get there again. And it wasn't a sham... if it had been, she'd have seen right through it. It was as real as any mindset ever gets, it just isn't something that you get to keep for every second of every day of the rest of your life. None of us are that fortunate. But if you keep paying attention, you can learn how to get yourself back into it faster and stay in it longer... you are not a stupid person, after all.
Exercise helps. Sometimes standing up straighter and taller is enough to change your mindset to match.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
hmmm...did I mention that beta-blockers also cause depression??
its a suck-pill, for sure, because you probably don't have much choice in the matter. don't know much about a-fib in and of itself...other than it can be caused by my condition. I would imagine that they want you on this crap forever, though. do they know what caused it?
anyway, I've taken both the beta and the calcium channel blockers. they both make you feel lethargic...beta is worse. I couldn't imagine having to take them both at the same time. I might as well just dig a hole and climb in. except I'd have to pay someone else to dig the hole, because I'd have to sit down after two scoops with the shovel. ugh.
Wow. I'm new and not real familiar with your background, but this sounds awfully like The Pit. Not the little pits we fall into every day, often by our own doing, but the comprehensive, light-devouring black hole of a Pit nobody deserves to fall into.
It's a horrible place to find yourself. Speaking from experience. Speaking from experience again, nothing that The Pit tells you has anything to do with the reality of your true self. The Pit passes .... when you've fallen in, it feels like that is the only true reality forever and everything good and hopeful is a sham .... but that is a LIE. Give it a few days and see how you feel, k?
"I'm afraid that I will always just be another liar, another cheat, another wannabe alpha male, another failed H and father." No. Only if you choose that, and you won't.
Again, don't know the details on your marriage, so forgive if this sounds insensitive ... but can you open up and share any of this with your wife? That you want so badly to make it all work and be the best husband and father you can, but you feel yourself slipping and you're afraid and want to reach out to her? No human being is without fear. Feeling fear does not make you weak. Denying fear is the dangerous course.
This is a total sci-fi geek moment, but indulge me:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear... And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” -- Frank Herbert
Been there, Chrome ... you WILL come out on the other side.
((((Chrome))))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
You have said that you've been following some of Blackfoot's advise, which I think can be very helpful. But IMO, BF focuses on one side only of the self development spectrum only, and that is the presentation of oneself to the world and to others on the assumption that alpha male confidence can be self reinforcing, not just to yourself but to others. To an extent, I believe this is true. But it is also a way of creating a shell around you to cover up your inner weaknesses, which are still there. I do not think it possible to paper over these things and make them go away. Maybe this is what you are feeling.
If you read the definition of narcissism, this is just what you are doing. That does not mean you are being arrogant or self centered, but that you are creating a false self. The true Chrome is NOT bad, not deficient, not lacking or any of the other negative things you are thinking. The true Chrome has everything he needs within him, but he has been traumatize and scared to the point of fearing to make himself truly vulnerable again. That is effect of trauma, not a result of a personality lacking certain positive aspects. You have everything within you that you need.
IMO, what you stated in your post is something you should tell your wife. Print it out and give it to her. There is a lot of honesty and vulnerability in what you say. I suspect she needs to hear this from you very badly. What you might find is that she feels similar things about herself. So try putting your deepest fears in her hands and ask her to protect you, then ask if you can do the same for her.
IMO, the strong front that you have been putting forth means nothing to your wife if she does not know whether it is sincere. How is she to gauge your sincerity? She know you have fears, she knows you as well as you know yourself. Yet by playing the strong, alpha male, you never admit to your fears and never trust her enough to expose your fears to her. How should she interpret this?
Laying out your vulnerability as you have in your post shows that you have faith in her. Once she can truly accept your honesty (and not think it is just the latest self growth exercise) and truly gauge your sincerity, then the strong alpha male will be reassuring to her. IMO, you have put the cart before the horse and I think that is why she has remained defensive and skeptical of you. I believe you are on the right path now. Keep moving down this road to see where it takes you.
No, actually its not. It is a nuisance. I have often daydreamed about how cool it would be to just be able to slip the thing in without 5-10 minutes of slowly inching it in so she doesn't get hurt. Granted, that part can be kinda cool sometimes, but it is hard to do the "assertive" thing when I'm having to focus on how she is reacting physically to me entering her, i.e. having to watch to see if I'm going to fast because she will wince a little in pain.
She should put you in herself. Actually, "The Guide To Getting It On" suggests that all women should do this most of the time and "He Comes Next" makes the good suggestion that women should definitely control entry for anal sex. It also makes the good suggestion that women should put themselves into a position slightly below horizontal with the penis and then push down a little so that they can ride/slide along the top side of the penis with a little pressure from the erection from below and then just rock back to achieve entry. Seems like a pretty surefire way to a hands-free orgasm upon entry (If you like that kind of thing - lol)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
).
Given the fact that I've already admitted to 2 EA's, one of which continued for awhile, maintaining an "image" with you guys would be silly. But IRL is a different matter. I have to be strong, I cannot be weak. Weak is what nearly destroyed me before, and I have tried so hard to excise that weakness from me.
