Well, I wrote out a reply to your post bf, but it seems to have vanished into cyberspace. I'll rewrite it after awhile, but I need to get some stuff off my chest.
This is a rant, plain and simple. I'm here because I don't want to say these things out loud to anyone who doesn't already know what schmuck I am. Given the fact that I've already admitted to 2 EA's, one of which continued for awhile, maintaining an "image" with you guys would be silly. But IRL is a different matter. I have to be strong, I cannot be weak. Weak is what nearly destroyed me before, and I have tried so hard to excise that weakness from me.
I am afraid.
I have been having a lot of really negative feelings about myself over the last few days. The trigger was kinda silly, and rather convoluted, but the short story is that I went to a place I hadn't been since before the first EA. For some reason, my brain decided to dump a lot of feelings memories into my head about that prior trip. I had already known about what a poor H I was at the time, how my M was in the toilet but I didn't really realize it, and how utterly negative my self-esteem was, and how close I was to just running away from it all. Anyway, that caused a dump of a whole lot of other feelings and down into the pit I went. In one of my brief lucid moments, I tried to think about why all this was coming upon me, where all these negative emotions are coming from. And I rememberd that someone told me that at the root of a lot of negative emotions was fear. And I am very afraid of a lot of things.
I am afraid that I am not up to this task. And I am afraid that my fear of not being up to the task is what is causing me to fail. I am afraid that I will never have the intimacy that I crave. But I realize that my fear has prevented me from even offering myself to my W in a way that she can accept. It is MY FEAR (perhaps combined with hers in some way) that is blocking my goal of an intimate M. I wonder if I've ever really given her a chance.
I'm afraid that all this good-feeling about myself, about my attractiveness, is all a sham. Am I really seeing what I think I'm seeing. And I'm afraid that my fears are hurting my chances at being the man I need to be for myself and my family. I am afraid that I'm slipping back into that less-than-man that I was before, the one who nearly completely sabotaged his M by inactivity, low self-esteem, fear, and finally an A. I'm afraid that I will always just be another liar, another cheat, another wannabe alpha male, another failed H and father.
I know that I am the only one who can bring happiness to myself, and I'm afraid that I'm not up to the task. And I'm afraid of being afraid because it sabotages me.
Rant over
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Given the fact that I've already admitted to 2 EA's, one of which continued for awhile, maintaining an "image" with you guys would be silly. But IRL is a different matter. I have to be strong, I cannot be weak. Weak is what nearly destroyed me before, and I have tried so hard to excise that weakness from me.
