I've been separated for three months. Married for 11 years, together for 17. No kids. It's only hit me in the past few weeks, thanks to this board and Michele's book, that part of what is happening with my wife is a MLC.

My question for now has to do with money. She's doing some major retail therapy. It seems a throwback to what she did many years ago when she was in a job she hated--drop a lot of money at the mall.

At first I took her retail therapy to simply be about her creating a new life--clothes, makeup, etc. I'm sure that's still part of it. I take responsibility for putting her in a good deal of unhappiness due to my failures as a husband, but I won't go into that here. I'm increasingly thinking, however, that a lot of this might also be due to guilt or some other uneasy/unhappy feeling that she's trying to deal with. She seems to have cut herself off from old friends. Perhaps she has some new ones, but my gut feeling now is that she's spending a lot of time alone/at the mall.

Anyone else had similar experiences, or anyone have any insights into what might be driving her? She's not asked for a divorce--classic MLC line about "needing to find herself" and "needing space." I'm happy to say I've avoided most of the classic mistakes such as begging, pleading, trying to control her, etc. I'm giving her space while working hard on fixing my flaws, and she knows some of what I'm doing. Still, she doesn't want to talk yet about the deep emotional stuff. Patience!!!!

Second question--what should I do if I feel her retail therapy continues at this pace? We have not separated finances. She has sold some financial assets to put into our joint account, so I take that as an act of good faith. Still, if this goes on for a few more months and we get divorced, I'm the spouse who risks losing out financially. Her family is very wealthy and can give her anything she needs. Whether a MLC person wants to be bailed out by parents is another story, I suppose, but at least she has the option. I don't have that choice. If I raise the financial stuff, does that risk pushing her further away? Or should I do so as an assertive act of self-protection. We're not in crisis now, but a couple more months of this pace and we might be.

Thanks for anyone who shares their experiences and insights. It's emotional hell, but there are practical sides like money that also need to be considered at times like this. And money issues can add to the emotional hell! This board has been so helpful in helping me understand what is going on. Thanks to all!