My DH and I have been together for 2 years. I am pregnant, due at the end of December. He joined this family with three kids already. Now, we've had it tough the entire time we've been together. He's an alcoholic and I'm codependent. He moved out at the first part of August because we sat down and talked about it and decided it was probably the best thing for everyone. At the time, I really thought that it was. I love him more than anything in this entire world. I know he loves me too. We each have a lot of anger and resentment toward each other. He also has issues of having never lived on his own or owned his own "things."
I don't know what to do. I don't think the separation was a good idea at all. I agree that we both need to work on our selves as well as our relationship, but I definately think that doing this apart is the wrong way to do it. He won't move back in. Do I just give it time? How do I make this easier for the kids to handle? How do I make it easier for me--I'm falling into a depression, I just can't stand seeing him once a week and barely talking to him on the phone.
He's been trying to stay sober. He called me on Thursday and asked why he wanted to drink so bad. I didn't really have an answer for him. He sounded horrible. I asked him to come over, visit with the kids, have something for dinner other than frozen pizza. He said no, he was going to take a nap. Well, he apparently decided to anyway. We held each other for a while, watched a movie, then went to bed. Once there, he started talking--that's always been our "us" time.... we'd talk for 10 minutes or hours, depending on how tired we were... He said that he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better. I told him that yes, I did deserve better (he's been mean, he hit me drunk on New Years, he ignores me, etc) but that I wanted it from him. He's the one I chose to spend the rest of my life with. He said he was afraid he couldn't stop drinking... what if he hurt me again, so at least I think we've finally gotten to the heart of the problem...
I want us to both help ourselves, but I don't want to do it apart. Is it best this way?
Not to be rude, but if he is still drinking, you have not got to the heart of the problem. He needs to stop that first and that will only happen when HE is ready, no one else will convince him of that. It is probably best that for right now you are separated if he is still drinking, maybe he will find something else from within himself to figure it out. With him still drinking, and having a history of hitting you, it is not very smart to be around him especially if you are pregnant.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Second what 789 said. I know it's not what you want to do but you need to stop focusing on the marriage and start focusing on his disease and how he can get help for it. I have first hand knowledge of this one and there is nothing you can do for your marriage until he is sober enough to think clearly. In my experience, that's several months after he stops drinking.
Send me a PM if you would like to talk about this problem off line. In the meantime, here's a link to your local AA chapters. It's a good place to start and not a bad place to end.
I tried to message you, but it said you were over your limit, so, here's what my email said
I would love to talk in more detail. Thank you for the offer. I've never dealt with anything like this before. He's not an drunk alcoholic. He's been stuggling with this for a while. He use to be an everyday drinker (over three years ago)... Then it was a weekend drinker, not even a get drunk drinker, just had to have some to, as he put it, "take the edge off." He went a month, had some, went a few more weeks, had some, and has been sober again... He's been going to AA meetings. He's one of those that can't touch hard liquor--he turns into an entirely different person. The only time he's had hard liquor since we've been together was New Years. He hasn't touched it again. He's trying really hard. He has come a long way. His problem is, with the AA meetings, is that he struggles with this higher power thing. He doesn't believe in anything higher and has come to a point to where he feels that the meetings are pointless because he can't complete the program. I know I can't help him. I've learned that much. It took our separation to realize that things I was doing wasnt helping anything, just making it worse and harder. But I struggle with the being apart thing, I just don't see how that is helping anything... well, i think it did help us realize our problems and finally seek some real help instead of nagging at each other for our own issues. Any insight is appreciated. Again, thank you for the offer.
Meghan the PM thing in here does not work. I am an alcoholic, been "dry" now for 6 months. From what you said in your first post to your second post, your lying to yourself, he is an alcoholic and still is. If you want more info you can email me if you wish it is wja65@att.net. You can also read my first thread, it is the one I do talk about drinking if I remember right. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1051419
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
No, I don't think I'm lying to myself. I know he's an alcoholic, and he knows he's an alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic. What I was saying is that he is making an effort to improve himself--not for me, but for him. He's unhappy. He's tried AA but hit the wall with the higher power. I was simply stating what kind of an alcoholic he is--that he's made strides to improve and he has gotten better... it's hard to sum everything up in a couple of posts. Or maybe, I don't know anything about being an alcoholic... it's difficult. I'll email you. Thank you for the offer.
meghan, if you can, I would highly recommend checking into al-anon. it might help you understand more about your h's disease, as well as your own co-dependency.
h is not an alcoholic, but he could very well be heading down that road if he keeps going the way he is going. my father is a recovering alcoholic...has been sober for over 20 years now. Only just now really understanding what my mom went thru with him.
I carry the co-dependent flag high in my own relationships, but am slowly, thru therapy, learning how to do things differently. It is NOT easy. but recognizing your own issues in the relationship is probably a good start.
good luck!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
You can reach me at junkaccount31@yahoo.com. If you get a hold of me there I would be happy to share my story with you in the hopes that it can help you and your H. I am not a counselor not a professional, just someone who's been there.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
meghan, if you can, I would highly recommend checking into al-anon. it might help you understand more about your h's disease, as well as your own co-dependency.
h is not an alcoholic, but he could very well be heading down that road if he keeps going the way he is going. my father is a recovering alcoholic...has been sober for over 20 years now. Only just now really understanding what my mom went thru with him.
I carry the co-dependent flag high in my own relationships, but am slowly, thru therapy, learning how to do things differently. It is NOT easy. but recognizing your own issues in the relationship is probably a good start.
good luck!
I have been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, something I just started last week.
About 5 years ago, I was going through a rough time in my life and sought the help of a counselor. Things went well until she told me that I was Co-dependent and gave me this book, co-dependent no more. Well, I quit going, refusing to think there was anything really wrong with me.
When this happened with H, when he moved out, I started doing a lot of research about it online, always coming back to the same thing about the spouse--co-dependency. SO, i dug the book out and started reading it. It's me, to a 't'. I wish I hadn't blown my counselor off! she knew what she was talking about, I just wasn't ready to hear it. I'm about halfway through the book, it mentions Al-Anon alot, which inspired me to start going to meetings. I am learning how to do things differently too. It's hard. I didn't learn these habits overnight, it took time, and it will take time to change them. Already I am happier with myself and the pain isn't so bad. Not that it's easy, I'm sure you know, but time and effort helps.
