He has said, when confronted, that he wants to be able to "be a man/hunter" but that I don't allow him the opportunity to pursue me. He doesn't like it when I ask for anything directly (in AND out of the bedroom) and will intentionally withhold just because I DID ask. But, I can't do the "damsel in distress" routine for more than a couple days without sex materializing, and then I become a total bitch/nag (tho I try hard to curb the inclination).
Here's the thing to realize. You don't need to play a "damsel in distress." You are a "damsel in distress." That's why you joined this BB in search of help. NOP is a perennial gentleman so you can count on him for good advice/help. You know that your anger isn't helping the situation but some people naturally tend towards anger when they're hurt. That's why we caution children not to get near injured animals.
The reason you feel so horny is that you are pumping a lot of dopamine into your system unconsciously in the way another person might take a drink of alcohol. The dopamine makes you feel very goal-oriented in a sexual/romantic way so, although you don't have lots of free-floating testosterone like a man, the dopamine levels in your brain cause the little monkey-pump of arousal in your brain to start up and you can become just as horny and sexually assertive as a guy. Five percent of the human population genetically tends towards easy, heavy production of dopamine in the brain and we all tend to be somewhat manic and horny (but also very creative, bold and lots of fun.) What you need to do is figure out how to take care of yourself by calming yourself down but don't make the mistake of thinking that stereotypical calming activities will necessarily do the trick. For instance, one weekend when the guy I'm seeing now was too busy to get together, I went for a really long hike on a new trail, listened to a very interesting book-on-tape and then treated myself to an elaborate ice cream sundae that had just as many calories as I burned on the hike -lol. Don't let anyone try to convince you that it is wrong to be somebody who seeks fun, activity and novelty but do yourself a favor and try to take care of your own needs in that regard as much as possible. Here's an exercise that might help. Tell yourself that you can either have sex with your H tonight or do activity X and then just come up with an activity X that you really think would be as fun and chemically rewarding as sex. Don't worry if it is unrealistic like "If I could hop on a plane for Italy tonight that would be more fun than sex." Those kinds of thoughts will give you a good place to begin and give you an opportunity to re-evaluate whether your current lifestyle is in alignment with your true values and recognize some ways that you aren't taking good care of yourself or perhaps allowing those around you to offer care or do without your care. What I am suggesting is that the real conflict in your marriage might be that you are not maintaining boundaries that will allow you to take adequate care of yourself because you feel like you don't deserve that kind of care.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
