Before you quit posting all together, I'd like more of your opinion please. You tell me that my H will not change, I take that to mean he will always be how he is now. That confuses me. He changed from the guy I married to the guy he is now, so can't he change again? Have you changed Jeff? aren't you a better man/H/dad than one or two or three years ago? And, what about all the 'changes' of all the people on these forums of this BB? are they real changes? or is the cake the same with a different frosting?
I do not think I will quit posting any time soon. Just less. I cut and pasted my response on your thread as well.
First, did H really change since you married or did your viewpoint change? Things we overlook during the early days now become apparent. Early we see only positives. Later we see other things, things that were always there but that we turned a blind eye to. I could also say my former W changed, but she really is the same as when I married her. Her focus is just different and the negatives I overlooked that are now directing her are very apparent to me.
People can change - if you read Christian history you see Saul of Tarsus change into Paul on the road to Damascus.
But I perfer this quote: "People don't change their minds, they change the direction they are going."
I don't think people fundamentally change, they just adjust as they learn. Unfortunately most (and I do mean most) never learn. They see no problems within - all their misfortune is without, in others or the environment. Their world will be better when the outside environment changes. Of course no one can control their outside so they remain stuck. These folks never change direction - they see no need to.
Does this apply to your H? Honestly (and I mean honestly) I don't know. I do know it did apply to me and if I may be so bold - it applied to many here on this BB before they came here.
You see, I got the bomb. The bomb was a suprise. I did not see it coming. I did not realize she was building it. I did not realize that I was assisting her build it.
Dah! How could I have been so stupid?
Easy. And I saw no reason to change my direction before the explosion.
That was the kick in the butt I needed to change my direction. I am the same guy - I even retook the personality test - yep, still the same. I continue to do the same stupid things. But the big difference is that I am AWARE. So now I try to think before I act or speak. Even one blunder avoided means one less hurt dished out to another. I make an effort to be more compassionate. I make an effort to spend more focus on my kids.
I also learned recently that you don't have to replace behavior "A" with "B". That is difficult b/c we are then trying to change our personalities. If "A" is bad then all you need to do is to STOP DOING IT. Ceasing to be a jerk does not require learning a new behavior. Behavior "B" will develop in time once "A" is purged.
I am aware and I choose to make the effort. If you are not aware then you will not make the effort.
Yes, same cake, different frosting. But the frosting is the best part after all; we never lick the batter - only the frosting.
If your H is to change WCW, he will need to become aware he should change his direction. I am not suggesting you drop a bomb. Bombs destroy - they do not heal. He can only achieve that awareness within himself. Will he achieve it? Again I honestly do not know. And don't discount that he may be changing - when we change we have to change 100% for the better in order to get 10% of the credit.
People will do something - including changing their behavior - only if they can conclude that doing so is in their own best interests as defined by their own values.
All you can influence is his environment. Fill it with love and support. Show that your M is in his best interest to keep and nuture. That you have done and continue to do. But his head is still not on straight - he does not see what is around him. I hope some day he will. I hope he sees it before it is too late - as it was too late for me when former W ran out of love.
