Puddle - I may not be the person to ask about the counseling. My H gave me the speech on July 10th and he suggested counseling. We went to three sessions (he picked the counselor and arranged the times) and on July 31st, told me that he was just going through the motions of counseling. He has since moved out.
However, my story aside, I would try it. Just from the better communication and better coparenting point of view, I would recommend it. I am scheduling IC for me now, because I have so many questions on how to deal with my children's questions.
At the very least, if you go, you are continuing to try. I can honestly say that I tried with the counseling - I wasn't just going through the motions. When my children ask if I tried - I can be honest...H can't (not that he is into the honesty thing with us nowadays).
I get so discouraged when I read your posts. Who are these men and how did we ever fall in love with them?!?! ST is right - so many people (relationships) are hurt by the MLCer because they are so self focused right now. It is hard to remember that they really are "sick" when talking to them, yet it is what we all must do...
As far as talking to him about staying out all night, why do you want to mention it to him? My H did the same thing. We agreed that we would not tell our girls until mid August, so for 2+ weeks he slept at a friends, a hotel or whatever. He lied to the girls. He could have stayed here - he chose not to. When D13 woke up one night and asked where he was, I said I didn't know (I didn't) but I was sure he was safe. She asked him the next day and he lied. My approach was that this was his story to tell. I can look at my girls and know that I didn't lie to them. Again - he can't do the same. For some reason, I felt that covering for him was against the detaching that I was trying to do. I don't know your whole story and there may be a good reason for not telling your kids....but I just felt that my H had to take responsibility for his actions, and they were his to explain.
I also refused to tell the kids about him moving out. We did it together, but I didn't say the words. He wanted to tell them that WE were unhappy and WE were getting a divorce. I told him that if he said that, he would be corrected in front of the girls. He was not happy with this, but....
I don't know how old your kids are, but kids are bright and know when something is up. I strongly feel that my oldest suspected. I couldn't have gone on much longer in our situation.
Finally, I know the letter was just venting but the sentence "You’re deluded and pathetic, and you’re taking us all down with you" really got me - pathetic is the word that I keep coming back to in this whole situation. Don't let him take you down!!!!!! Hang in there!!! Don't go to his level - it ain't pretty down there!!!!
