I debated signing up for this, but it seems to have helped so many people so I wanted to share my story.
I have been married for four years in September. That's right, just four years. H and I were dating/engaged for five years before that. While we were in college, I saw him several times taking phone calls from girls, meeting girls at bars, and one time he even cheated on me. I caught him all these times, so I am unsure how many other times there were. I forgave him each time, and took him back. He said he loved me and I believed him - and I think he truly did. We got married and I tried to move on.
About a year later, emails with strange women started again. I checked up on him often because I didn't trust him. I would confront him and he would apologize and promise to stop. This happened pretty much once a year. Then a few months back, I found out that he had one of our "acquaintenances" over to our house while I was out of town. They did everything but the deed. He never came to me with this information, I again found out by checking his email. But once I did, he admitted everything.
I told him I was leaving and he begged and pleaded that I stay. I said fine - but I had a plan to go get my own revenge. I did that weekend, with one of my good friends. We didn't follow through - I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I told H about this when I got home, and he was upset but knew why I did it. Meanwhile, I was making friends with "her" because I wanted her to stay away from H. Ironically she was going through a divorce, so I could relate to her and actually feel bad for her. This made H extremely uncomfortable, but I was trying to sweep it under the rug like I always do.
A month ago, he was out of town and I was in an interesting situation with one of his friends. We hung out and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. I now realize this wasn't revenge, but I just wanted to feel accepted by someone. This other man and I talked the next day, and agreed to go on as if nothing happened. It is eating me alive, but I just didn't want to tell H. Sad thing is, I have some sort of feelings for this other person because of what we have in common. There was an instant connection, or at least in my mind there was. He has invited us over to his home to hang out and still calls H to see when we go out. I think he is trying to make sure everything is still ok.
Fast forward to a month later. After several emotional breakdowns and finally figuring out H will never change, I decide to get a place of my own. In fact, I am sitting here right now. It was the hardest decision for me....and I almost filed for divorce but H asked that I give him a chance to prove himself to me. I asked him how - it is a leap of faith for me given the situation I have been in over and over. The other man is out of the picture...I have talked to him a few times since then, but he is adamant that nothing will happen again and wants me and H to work things out. I still feel something for him though...
So now I don't know what to do. I am trying to just take it day by day. I am going to counseling, as is H, and we are trying to find ourselves to make our marriage whole. I still have not told H about what happened with this other man, mainly because it is his friend and I don't know what he will do. In my head I rationalized that there is probably so much H has done that I don't know about.
I am completely lost and confused, and any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated.
You have come to a great place for all kinds of help. The sharing of pain lessons it. The fact that you are here says to me that there is a faint glimmer of hope that you wish for your marriage to survive. Is this true, or was your affair an "Exit Affair." How hard are you willing to work to make this marriage survive? An affair doesn't mean a marriage is over and many marriages survive an affair. In fact, some say that their marriage became stronger after an affair.
If you discovered that your husband cheated on you, would you be able to forgive him and save the marriage? Do you love this man so much that you will do what it takes to save you marriage. Does he love you as much and is he willing to work as well?
You will have to tell him about your affair. Not yet, but he will have to know at some time. Are you ready to work through that? There will need to be a clean slate before there can be any "true" healing.
I am sorry for your pain and that you find yourself in such a sad place. Keep your chin up. It isn't forever and you will get through it. When you are going through hell, just keep going!
Hi and welcome. I am sooo not the one to give good advice (I need some of my own!) but wanted to say hi to you. Its been a rocky year for you guys. I don't think H would have much to say about your affair (at least on the outside). Was this friend married as well? If you want this marriage, its good that he wants to try and make it work. As you will find, many of us have a spouse that doesn't want to try at all. I think you guys would benefit from some good counseling. Can you ever trust him again? Forgiving is one thing, but forgetting is the hard part.
I thought it was an exit affair at first, but when I am around H, it is like we were young and inseperable again. Maybe it is the emotion running high, or the fact that he is wiling to do what it takes to make this work. Idk...this is all just so confusing.
Thank you for the advice. I know I will need to tell him soon - but he threatened some pretty crazy stuff for the other party if he ever found out, so I am pretty scared about that...
No, the friend was not married. But he is a friend of H which makes it difficult. Idk if I can trust H again, which is part of the reason I moved out. I am guessing time will tell. All I know is I miss him like hell and it has only beend two days....
Are you DBing or is your husband? Are you seeing a therapist to save the marriage or for other issues as well? I ask because I want to know if the counselor is solutions oriented toward saving your marriage. I am glad to hear your husband makes you feel happy when you are together, but you probably wonder if his changes are real and for the long term. He seems to have a pattern of disappointing you. Why do you sweep what he does, as you say, "under the rug?" Are you afraid of being alone?
Your feelings for the OM are certainly understandable, but keep him away.
I haven't heard you mention children...do you have any?
I don't really know if either of us is DBing. He wants to make the marriage work, but I am so unhappy with what he has done and now with what I have done. There are no children - so that makes things a tad bit easier. I just came here to see what others were doing and have a place to be heard really. We are going to individual counseling now because our last two attempts at marriage counseling did not work. He ended up emailing nasty things to women again even after we went. I guess I am doing this for ME, but I miss him like hell.
I do plan to stay away from OM, but unfortunately I still see him a lot in the community. Makes things tough.
Me and H just went to church this morning. Talk about difficult. But I figure we need to start somewhere....I just don't know how I feel about our marriage right now - but I want to believe his changes are for real.
You are in the right place. Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep praying. Church should not feel difficult, so don't let it. Jesus didn't come to save all the perfect people, ya know. He came for the ones who are a little charred around the edges...you, me your hubby, and everyone else on these boards.
You are going through a lot right now and the one thing that will help most is time. The only way you will know if the changes are real and permanent is time. He has a track record of disappointing you and needs to discover why he does what he does. For now, be content he is willing to try.
I appreciate the tough spot you are in and I get that you are worried about your own affair - but I think it would pay for you to reflect on why you are in this marriage?
He has been consistently unfaithful to you - so why did you marry him?
What is wrong with you that you have settled for a man who is a philanderer?
This is a marriage saving web-site - but I do worry about young woman like you who seem to be in relationships that are just plain bad for them.
You do have options you know.
Prayers to you
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
