My other thread seems to be locked, so here goes number 2.
Last night H went to go check out some new cafes, and came home around 7:30 am, first time he's ever been away over night. My oldest wakes up, goes to look for papa, comes back to bed and says nothing. Later he says, "Where's papa? He didn't come home." I say, "I don't know. I'm sure papa's fine and he'll be home soon." H comes in, says he fell asleep in his car.
To me, it's more than a coincidence that he did this immediately after he agreed the kids didn't need to know anything as long as their lives are unaffected. I feel like he subconsciously pushed it, in a brutally passive-aggressive way, so we can tell them and he can feel relief, or he's reached a new level of selfishness. I am so livid I can hardly think.
In that spirit, I'm trying to get my anger out. I've written him a letter that I have (almost) no intention of ever showing him. I hope it's okay to post; it's not the cheeriest thing ever (and it's a first draft, which is why it seems to start in the middle). Also, the analogies I give are ones he's given me:
"You seem to need me to understand so badly, maybe just so you can know I’ve given up hope and you can be comfortable around me. You say there’s nothing to disagree with. You don’t want to be married to me, unhappily, happily, or any other way---you simply don’t want it. What’s to disagree with?
I was good enough for you when you were “damaged,” as you say, I served a purpose. But now that you’ve gotten in touch with yourself, know what you really want, are being true to yourself, your first move is to dump your loving and loyal wife and knock the foundation of your kids’ security out from under them. If this is how you christen your new life, it’s no life to celebrate. You’re not gay, you’re not born again (show me the god who tells you to leave your family), and I’m not a mediocre job you can simply trade up from. If you were gay, you bet I’d be angry. I’d be angry that your denial cost me my family and trust. And I’m angry that you decided to create a family with me when you were so f***ed up you didn’t make a good choice, and now that you’re “the real you,” I’m suffering for it, as are your kids.
Again, it’s not your feelings I disagree with. Feel any way you want. It’s your choice I’m angry about. You’ve decided you want something else, and that comes before me, before even your children. You say you’d be unhappy if you stayed. So it’s you or us, and you choose you. We’re all on the tracks and a train’s coming, and you jump out of the way. You say since you’d be unhappy if you stayed, it would be selfish of you not to go. How convenient. You get to leave AND not be selfish. Be clear: you’re choosing what YOU want to do for YOU, without regard for what it will do to anyone else, and that’s the definition of selfish. You say you may not find happiness by leaving, but it’ll be worth it anyway. I think your children would beg to differ.
You used to be so disgusted with ****, “just not cut out to be a father.” Yeah, well, suck it up, you said. You couldn’t stand to be around *****, cheating on his wife. Do you think you’re different? Or do you think you’re all just misunderstood, honest guys? Well my friend, welcome to the new you. You’re deluded and pathetic, and you’re taking us all down with you."
There. Maybe that'll help, and by the time he gets home from his rafting trip, I'll be able to speak calmly.
I'm going to have to say something to him about staying out all night, I think. He can't possibly really want to keep things normal for the kids and do things like that, so I feel like I need to know the truth there. Unfortunately for the kids, I'm afraid the cat's out of the bag now (at least for our oldest). I think that very well may have been his unconscious motive. No one's that tired.
Any thoughts on the talk? Seriously, I'm so angry right now I can't imagine taking him back if he crawled on his belly. In that letter I almost wrote something about good luck finding a soul mate who's okay with leaving a family who loves you, but then I thought, whoa, what about me? Am I okay with that?
