just tired

[sandi2]

Hi Violets,


This is a long post, so I hope you won't mind.....

My story is somewhat different in that I am the almost WAW from 41+ years of M. I think I am the oldest person or have been married the longest....that I have read anywhere on here. I remember my grandmother telling me on her 60th wedding anniversary that you never reach a point that you don't have to keep working at the M if you want a good one. That was true advice. However, I did not follow her wisdom and I started to let things slide....partly b/c I gave up.

Went all our married life with my H not coming to bed with me and having that intimate emotional time with him that I needed so badly in our early years. He was a "Mama's Boy" which is a very long story within itself. She finally died about 5 years ago. Anyway a lot of my emotional needs were never met and his sexual needs.....or as much as he needed.....were not met according to him. Whenever I tried to talk R....he always thought that if we just had a good sex life, that would solve everything. Wrong!

Anyway, about 21 or more years ago, he finally stopped coming to my bed to sleep and would fall asleep on the couch watching TV every night. When he did head toward my bedroom, I knew it was for sex and I resented it. But, that was how he had always done over the years. Then, 11 years ago he stopped having sex with me.....just as I finally began to reach the place that I could enjoy it....he stopped cold turkey, without a word....nothing! It hurt a lot, but I thought it was proabably b/c he could not perform sex any longer. So, I did not push him about it.

Our MR began to dwindle down to hardly any physical contact at all unless I gave him a peck of a kiss good-bye or good-night. I became very, very lonely and emotionally empty. Speaking of empty.....I forgot to mention that I had been on anti-drepression meds for about 10 of those 11 years. They left me feeling dead inside. Then a doctor got me on some hormones and took me off the AD meds....and wow, I felt differently. During this time, however, I had began to play computer games....and chatting. Then the chat turned to flirting.....then it led to sex chat rooms....then the OM...then the EA. I was well on my way to a PA, but didn't realize it at the time.

My H found out, snooped, spied, smothered me.......everything he had never done before that was totally out of character for him....he did it. I almost hated him. I saw his worst side while the OM's best side. The more my H tried to control me the more I rebelled and contacted OM.

When I finally came on this board and began getting the information that these good people sent me....plus a lot of crash courses in Michelle's books....and lots of other books, I finally woke up to what I was doing. The "fog" began to lift a little more every day. Plus, my H did what I asked, which was to back off and give me space. He did without us separating. Just gave me privacy and room to breathe.

When we got to the place I was willing "to be willing"....which was a hard place for me to get to.....we began to talk a little bit. However, the first thing we had to get past was his mentioning the OM. I did not want to talk about him or have my H constantly refering back to OM. So, he said that he never had to mentioned him again. So far, he hasn't spoke of it any more.

I tell you all of this.....I don't know....maybe in some crazy way I felt as though I kind of identified with what you may be feeling....even though I was on the other side of the fence.
You see, I understand that even though we have been married for many years....it's still hard. You do still have to work at a good marriage....and we get tired of working at it when we feel like our partner isn't working as hard as we are. We still want to that feeling of being "in love" after all these years. Hey, we aren't dead yet! We still crave romance, too. We do have resentments that are actually unhealed hurts from the past that were never resolved. We just pushed them back deep inside and tried to go on for our family's sake. That is what a lot om men on here just don't get.....and I found myself lately getting a little snappy toward some of them about it. They get so self-rightous about them being left with the kids while the sorry wife walked away. I have a feeling there is always two sides to that kind of story.....but anyway, I'll hush about that.

When you said that you cared about your H, and that you felt love toward him, but that it was like loving a relative....I knew exactly what you meant! That is where I am now. I do love my H and did not want to hurt him or my extended family. That is the only reason I did not have a PA with OM or leave to go to OM as he had asked me to do. However, I do not want to have sex with my H. I do not desire him that way at all. As you spoke of looking at your H....it reminded me of how I do the same thing and hope that I will feel just a little spark, but I don't.

I think your hurt over his A and the obsession with the OW has left you like that. I'm not sure why I have been left like I am. I have thought that it is b/c we have gone so many years without sex and just become companions more than a H & W. I have been told that in time my feelings will return, but I have not had those feeling in many, many years. I never had a high sexual drive or desire toward my H and that caused problems between us. I always blamed myself and thought something was wrong with me. Then, when I met OM on the internet.....I discovered that I had a sex drive and that I was "normal". Maybe it was b/c I knew what I was doing was wrong that made me feel that way....I don't know. Anyway, I stopped contacting OM and now I am feeling that emptiness again and it worries me b/c I am still faced with temptation when I am so lonely at night.

Gee, I don't know why I am pouring my heart out to you. I am the kind of woman you probably hate. I was married and had an EA on line with OM. He was a divorced man, but I was married. I was unfaithful in my heart. But, I am just a plain woman....no special powers.....no hold on anyone. I had to be the one to make the decision to stop the EA. My H could not "force" me to do it....although he tried. Nobody could talk me into it....only I had to make the decision to do it. I did not "want" to stop the EA.....b/c I fed upon it. It had become my addiction and I did not even realize it. So, it was about the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is still hard....every single day. There have been only a couple of days that went by that I have not thought about the OM....and what may have been. But then I have to remind myself that it was what I wanted the OM to be....not what he probably was in real life. I wanted my "knight" to come take me out of my miserable life. I wanted my life to be like the romance books I read every night. So, even at 60.......women still dream.

All of this I tell about myself on this board is not easy for me, but if I can help save one marriage....it would be worth it to tell of my own embarrasement. It is not easy to tell people on here that I was about to turn 60 and having a MLC! That sounds stupid to young people that are in their 20's and 30's. But, I have decided that it doesn't matter what the "number" is in your life....it is a "state of mind". It is awful and I will try my best never to judge anyone that falls into this state of mind. I look back and it amazes me how I deceived myself into wanting to believe the things I did.

My H is a good man. He is kind and gentle and has never intentionally hurt me. He is totally opposite from my personality.....which is why I was attracted to him when I was a teenager. Now, that is the very thing that gets on my last nerve....lol. He doesn't like getting into "meaninful conversations" that we females like. He procrastinates about everything.....saves every piece of junk he gets his hands on....never throws a piece of paper away, etc, etc. But, to my knowledge, he has never looked at another woman with lust in his heart. At least he has not acted upon it. He loves me and would give his life in a second for me. That is why I wish with all my heart I could love him back equally.

Again, I ask myself why I am telling you all of this. Perhaps it is something you said that made me want and hope that you would talk back and forth with me. Perhaps.....not that you are my age or anything, but have been married for several years....you could understand me as a woman and our needs after years of M.

I truly hope that I have not turned you away from me and that you will respond to me. I would like for you to talk with me. If not, then I pray that something....anything I have told you will help you in some way and certainly not cause you more distress.

God Bless.