Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

You are my hero. You were able to change the subject and not carry on about OW. I wish I could learn that.

Thanks Faith, for the hero comment - that's humbling. I certainly have not always been this good about not talking about OW. I have asked so many questions about her that at one point my H said, "is this REALLY helping you?" I'm not curious about her anymore. I think she's pathetic, actually. A horrible excuse of a woman. I don't know why someone would actually date a married man unless they were extremely desperate. I have a difficult time with desperate people, I see them as weak. And yet, I feel so hypocritcal because there were so many times when I was desperate for his attention. I'm not anymore. If this marriage doesn't work, it is not my fault. I am 100% convinced of that. I have changed tremendously in the last year, I have been patient, I have been loving, and kind and supportive. This is on him at this point.

I to a lot of GALing, but this coming home to an empty house and no one to wait for or who is there to greet me is killing me. It is almost like I don't even want to be in my home anymore.

I found out about H's A while I was on a business trip. When I opened the door to my house when I got home it really appeared that there was a dark ash over my whole home. A thick blackness had settled. I remember thinking "what the f happened here? Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same." Of course ash hadn't really fell all over everything, it was just the mood of my marriage. I felt like everything, my belongings, my husband, myself all lost their luster. I know how you feel. Dinner time was always the most difficult part of the day for me. Always. I hated eating alone. I ended up eating a dinner of popcorn and beer in front of the TV on more than one occassion. It helped to read a magazine while I ate, or put the radio on. Just keep trying stuff until it feels better. It will never feel great, but it can feel better.

It appears that you and your H are headed in the right direction. He at least understands that he can be no where near her. You have to understand this too. I don't think it is a good idea for him to teach at the same school as her, because they could run into each other. He can never ever see or communicate with her again. I think you have to be strong on this one. It sounds like the September marriage seminiar will reinforce this.

This is a tough thing. I don't want him to return to his school. I have made that clear for the past year. He has to quit. BUT, I also know that he hasn't owned this decision yet. Just by him saying "I just won't show up" I know that he isn't owning quitting. He's going to make them fire him and that is not acceptable either - he could loose his license and then I don't know what he'd/we'd do. But, in having the conversation with him the other night, I wanted to see where his head was at. I wanted to know if he had given thought to teaching in another school in the district. Clearly he just plans on "not showing up." Bad plan. I feel as though there isn't anything I can do about it, so I'm just not going to talk about it with him anymore. Now, I need to work on not worrying about it.

Thank you for stopping and checking in! I really appreciate it!