Faith, if you can't be gone tomorrow, just be 'busy' around the house. Doing something you enjoy.....with some distance in between you guys. No need to ignore him at all, but just be...aloof....and even if you aren't, be at peace.
PS: I miss my H's physical being, not just sexually, just being with him, his warm body, big strong arms, etc. Its hard, and it makes me feel more lonely when I think about it. H has been on the couch since June, and soooo many nights, I just wanted to walk down the stairs and lay with him. I sleep so much better with him next to me.
Well, he showed up to meet a friend at the house. He has a second job and this friend is taking it over so he is training with him. He said he would be back in a couple of hours to get my oil changed.
I didn't do very well. I blew it. He ask me how my golf game went yesterday and when I told him what I shot, he was impressed and then wanted to know who I was with and said "you probably had dinner there too." I said yes we did. I told him that since he wasn't accountable to me for who he was with and his time then that rule applied to me too. That he did not know the person I was with and it didn't matter. He also ask me where I met him. "Did you meet him at the party you went to last Saturday." I again told him it didn't matter.
He said that because someone would make me feel good and give me attention that I would be over him in about 4 weeks. I told him that he would rather sleep on an air mattress and live out of plastic bags that to give up OW. I had tried for 3 months to show him what our married life would be like and that I had done all that I could. I ask him if he had given up OW yet and he said no. I also told him that I had called about our divorce and they had told me that he would get a letter sometime about 6 months after the time that I had signed the preliminary papers (that would be sometime the end of October)and then he would have 10 days to sign them. He said gosh I haven't made any calls and you seem like you can't wait for it to be final.
I said that wasn't the case, but he wasn't doing anything to make me believe that it would be any different. I said you aren't presueing me. Then he says. "I can't complete with these professional guys who make a lot of money." I said why can't you and why is money always so important to you. I wouldn't be with a man because of money. About then the doorbells rings and I leave to answer it. I then hear him saying under his breath," I don't need to come over here to get this."
So now he is gone and will be back later. I feel like sh!@. I'm ready to cry and I feel like we have gone back to where we were 3 months ago. How is it he can tell me a week ago that I had 90% of him, that he loved me and she only had 10% and yet he is willing to give up that 90% for the 10%.
What really is the bummer is that none of this is true. I didn't go to a party last Saturday and while I golfed yesterday it was at my own club with a friend and I ate dinner there by myself.
I must do better when he comes back.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Ok, so he comes back to go change my oil. I didn't even know that he took my keys to the car and left. I just notice that friends truck is gone and I look in the garage and his car is there and mine is gone.
Anyway when he comes back, he thanks me for the Thank you card I left in my car for him and the Dove chocolate and he bends to kiss me. I was standing my the washing machine with my back to him and I just turn my head and start putting the laundry into the washer.
I go into the bedroom and start dusting. He follows me in there and while I'm dusting he is doing small talk and then he finally says. "so under our current conditions, would you still go out to dinner with me." I said "of course, if you ask me and I don't have something else planned. I enjoy your company and we always have fun." He says "and if you have something else planned, then would you still go with me?" I say "NO. that isn't the right thing to do. If you want to do something with me, you need to make plans with me ahead of time. I'm not going to be your last minute date. He then says "we are still golfing tomorrow, aren't we?" I said yes and I'm going to church in the morning. You are welcome to come." He says, "I might." That usually means I won't, but not ready to commit to that. Then he asks me to dinner tonight. I'm dying to say yes, but you all would be proud of me. I said, "I already have plans. Thank you for asking. Next time you will have to ask me before I have made other plans."
He then proceeds to leave and says have a nice evening and hugs me and I turn my head which produces a kiss on my cheek instead of the lips and I notice as he turns to leave he has tears in his eyes. I so much wanted to be with him, but I knew I couldn't. It was easier though because I looked in his car while he was gone and saw a insulated wine carrier and opened it and there was an empty wine bottle in it. He doesn't have a wine carrier, rarely drinks wine and if he does, he hates the wine that was in the carrier.
So I think I'm going to go to dinner at my golf club (by myself) and then I'm going to see the movie Hairspray (also by myself). H was the actual musical when it was in town with OW. This sucks!!!!
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Well you have had a crazy day!! How are you doing?
I see a lot of postives here:
- he sounds jealous about your activities - like you are able to get on with your life. This is a postive thing. Now you need to let him know that it's HIM you want to build your life with...not the other guys that he assumes you are dating.
- I am very proud of you for saying no to dinner. Does he really think that he can just bounce in and out of your life on a whim? I think you are well on your way to telling him otherwise. This is a difficult thing to communicate, but you are doing well!
- Just keep thinking about the empty wine bottle! He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too - you deserve so much more! I think the wine bottle was a positive today because it gave you a kick in the pants You are doing the right thing. His tears are good too!
Hang in there Faith! You seem to be doing ok. I know that you are going to be great!
Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Faith, it was a good day, just full of emotions!!! Sit back, and think of the boundaries you drew, and the reactions you got. Amazing!!!
Funny thing about the wine bottle. Lately I am trying to detach and not let H 'pull me back', and when I feel a pull towards him, like you said, wanting to give him a hug, I picture OW and the lies he has told me this summer. Great detaching technique! Probably not healthy, LOL, but works for the moment.
Em - I don't think he is jealous of my activities as much as for the first time I think he is worried about losing me. Especially since he said I can't compete with those professional guys with the big bucks. He seems to think that within a month I will be completely detached from him and on my way to a new life. GOOD! Let him think that.
LIC - Thank you. It was very, very hard to do.
Lwb - Yes, the emotions really got to me on Saturday and then at church on Sunday. I thought he might go with me. But he didn't show up. The wine bottle really makes me mad, because I would ask him to go to the outdoor theater or to the outdoor jazz concerts at the winery and he never wanted to go. I am absolutly positive that he went to the Shakespear Festival, which is held at an outdoor theater by the river. OW is into the arts. H is not!. They have nothing in common.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
So, Saturday night I go down to my golf club and have dinner by myself. Talk to a couple of people and then leave around 8:00 to go to a 8:40 movie. Saw Hairspray. It was a good musical. Travolta was really good in it. Got home about 11:20. No call from H. He thinks I'm on a date.
Sunday morning I'm up early. Can't sleep. Get ready for church and hope that H is going to show up. He doesn't. I get home and H shows up at the house around 12:30. He doesn't come in, but I see him in the yard pulling weeds and watering my flower pots (which I already watered at about 7:30 am).
We play golf and it is a slow day on the course. Not many people there so the pace is really nice. He is relaxed and we are having fun and talking. On about the 13th hole I ask H why whenever I wanted to go to the theater or to the winery he wouldn't go, but he does with OW. He says, first off I have not gone very many places with OW. Also, I have finally come to the conclusion that life isn't all about work. I say will that is nice, but now you decided that. I go about making a life by myself because you aren't available and now when all of this is happening, you decide that you were wrong. It makes me angry that she is going to get that and not me. He says it doesn't have to be her that gets it, it just might be you. (well, aren't I lucky!). We continue golf another 4 holes and he is open to talk about R. He says that we get along and can talk better now then anytime in our whole relationship. I say, well yes, because for the first time you are willing to open up and talk. We continue to talk and enjoy our golf.
We have dinner at the club and then go home. We get home and more R talk. He says, I'm afraid that I have hurt you too much. I say well, everyday that you do not commit to us you just dig the wound deeper. We can't work on us while she is still in the picture. He says he has had a very emotional week and he is feeling emotions for me that surprise him. He says that he misses me even when he is with her. (Oh great!) The whole time he is holding my hand.
It is late and time for bed. He thinks he is going to stay. I say, it is probably better if you don't stay the night. It is too hard on me. He is surprised and says well it is late, I just thought I would be spending the night here. Can I sleep in the spare bedroom. I give in an say that he can. I go to bed and he comes in my room to kiss me good night. Not a peck, but a real senual kiss. That is #3 in 1 1/2 weeks.
Have received 2 e-mails from H thanking me for the fun time yesterday. Of which I took 2 hours before I replied and only said "your welcome".
So my imaginary boyfriend is taking me out on Wednesday. H said something about coming over to the house to do some work and I told him that I would be out. Let him stew on that for awhile.
Feeling hopeful.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
So my imaginary boyfriend is taking me out on Wednesday. H said something about coming over to the house to do some work and I told him that I would be out.
LOL!!! Sounds like your weekend was really good! He does seem to be coming around - that is good news!
My H also told me that he missed me immensely when he was spending time with OW - I don't understand it. The only thing I can come to figure is that they (the H's) want to feel for us like they do the OW. I don't know why they can't figure out that being with an OW doesn't help their marraiges. So strange. They really feel like they just tripped into love - it's not their fault they fell for someone else, it just happened....they're crazy. they're all crazy!
Looks like you have really gotten the hang of detaching. Nice job! Nice weekend!
Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I say "NO. that isn't the right thing to do. If you want to do something with me, you need to make plans with me ahead of time. I'm not going to be your last minute date. He then says "we are still golfing tomorrow, aren't we?" I said yes and I'm going to church in the morning. You are welcome to come." He says, "I might." That usually means I won't, but not ready to commit to that. Then he asks me to dinner tonight. I'm dying to say yes, but you all would be proud of me. I said, "I already have plans. Thank you for asking. Next time you will have to ask me before I have made other plans." 