She's back.... but still with him

[HopeFilled]

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote... and a lot has happened... a lot of ups and a lot of downs. But mostly I've been trying to GAL.

Everytime I think that things are really over... something happens and I get pulled back in. After discovering my W was still talking to the OM, I put my foot down and told her she needed to decide what she wanted. If was him, she needed to move out. It was a little awkward that week, because her brother was coming to town and was planning on staying at our house. Anyhow... we didn't talk until he arrived. She wanted to welcome him and I was fine with that. My brother-in-law, his friends and I had made plans to go to a water park for the day (without her)... but she started saying she'd rather skip out on work and come with us. I happened to have an extra ticket, so I invited her to come with. When she got there, it was weird because she wanted to go ride rides with me... instead of hanging with her brother. We ended up talking about our R while waiting in lines (it may have been a little too much, in hind sight), but it was great to be with her again.

Anyhow the next day we had all planned on going to a concert together... so we went. That night she was treating me horribly, even though I was doing everything I could to be a gentleman. To give you an idea of how bad she was treating me-- it started to pour and she pretty much blamed me for not remembering rain gear. When I went and bought a poncho for her, she was ungreatful... and didn't want me to try to help her warm up. I ended up confronting her... guessing correctly that she was trying to be mean to me... so that I would stop trying to save the marriage. I told her that she didn't need to treat me meanly... I already knew how she felt after she started sleeping with the OM. Well, we left the concert with the understanding that it was over.

That didn't last long. She went to a seminar that weekend (it was a four day thing meant to empower people and it's sort of like "The Secret") Anyhow, during this seminar she decided that she wanted to focus on saving the marriage. No body told her that she needed to do it.... there was no pressure... it was something that she decided. So she calls me on Sunday night and tells me that she's decided to save the marriage... and that she wants to move back. Well, I had decided that I wasn't going to allow her to come home unless she changed-- and it really seemed like she had changed (the red flag should have been that she called from and stayed the night at the OM's house that night). So she moved back on Monday... and seemed sincere about giving things a try. That Wednesday there was a graduation ceremony for the seminar attendees.. and I went with her. Afterwards she told me that she had decided that she wanted him and that our marriage was over. I wasn't completely in the dark,,, some friends from her work had told me that the OM had delivered flowers to her work that day-- so I figured something was going to happen. We had a long talk that night... and I told her to really think it over before making the decision to move out again.

The next day she called me and said that she still felt strongly about saving the marriage and was going to be dedicated to it. Apparently the OM showed up at her work again... and this time she told him that it wasn't okay. That day, she changed her cell phone number... and I thought, okay finally she's going to work on the marriage. Well, that night she called me and told me that she was moving out again. That it didn't have anything to do with the OM, but the marriage was over.

This time, I was so so upset... after she left with her essentials I packed up the rest of her stuff and left it for her in our living room. She took the next day off work and picked it all up and moved back with him... although she told her parents that she moved in with his parents (not that it really matters either way).

Again... you'd think that was the end of the line, but last week she started emailing me about financial stuff... and the next thing you know we're talking about the R again. On friday we met with our realtor to get the house on the market... and afterwards we ended up talking... and she said that she missed me and that she wasn't sure about selling the house, because she's not sure if she'd want to live here or have a fresh start if we get back together. That's probably the most hopeful thing she's said in a while. She also made it clear that she wanted to seduce me... acting sexy and such. I'll just say that I have a very hard time resisting her. I told her that while she sounds hopeful now, we'll see how she is at the end of the weekend. As I expected, I didn't hear anything.

This week we spoke back and forth a few times by email and phone. She got really jealous when I added a girl that I liked in high school on my myspace page...but she has no qualms with having the OM on her page. Maybe a little jealousy would be good for her. I certainly have been enjoying talking to my old friend... but I do worry about moving on too far, if there's even a chance that my W will come back.

It was clear that she misses me... and she even said that she had a strong urge to wear her wedding rings this week. She also has said that she can't bring herself to actually turn in the divorce paperwork. I'm a sucker for the little glimpses of hope she gives me... and I think she's playing games. She wants her cake and eat it too.... by having both the OM and me around. I just want her to realize that she's risking losing a good thing. I've thought a lot about going dark with her... hoping that she'll miss me.

Now she's applying for several jobs out of state. She says she wants a fresh start. I think that might be the best thing-- espessially if she gets away from the OM... but then again, I'm terribly worried about the distance and about her meeting a new group of guys. I think if I keep working on GAL... that things might work out... but I keep getting pulled into the emotions. I really do want this to work out... despite everything that's happened.

Do you guys think going dark is a good idea? Should I consider the After the Last Resport technique... and perhaps file for separation before she files for divorse. Am I crazy or a doormat for continuing to want her... when she shows so little respect for me?