So happy to see that you're back & regaining strength, Dave.
Quote:
This handed her back some control and its calmed her.
I love to read your posts, because you seem to have an instinctual feel for what's going on behind the WAS's behavior & what steps to take to get it back on track.
Quote:
Perhaps I am wrong
I don't think you're wrong at all. It looks like it's heading towards the positive & you're doing just what is needed; being patient & not pushing too early.
I think your analysis of the sitch is right on, Dave. I think it is wise of you in your belief that it is too early to push things by more or less "moving on" if your goal is to reconcile. W has shown you this. That text from her is also very huge and quite telling.
Glad to see you back on the DBing wagon and feeling better!
Thanks for looking in. Its been a tough soul searching 2 weeks , its hard to think that it was only a few days ago , I felt it was over and was working out a settlement plan to present to W. It shows just how important it is to keep an open mind about what is going on. I believe that my W is trying now. She was trying before and I rejected her which caused the recent backslide. She is very definitley undecided right now and I think what she is doing is the best she can. Its a fragile situation at best. She I think is scared that if she comes back then things will be the same as before , the very same fears that I have. She was at home yesterday for lunch and dinner ( I prepared both) and is seemingly enjoying spending time with the family. I felt a warmth from her that has been missing for a while , its only a glimmer but I am sure its there.
My job is to continue to look after me and the Kids , I cant push for anything from her , she has nothing extra to give right now.
Time and Patience , how I hate those words but while there is even the smallest of chance that we can work things out then I am still in the game.
I did not see W today but I have got to say the upswing on the coaster seems to be going a little higher. I got W a gift voucher when she was upset with me buying stuff for our room, left it at her place with a note to get something nice for her apartment. She rejected it outright at the time and gave it back. Today I sent her a Txt to thank her for preparing dinner for us ( yes shes back to AOS ) and she txt back saying she has taken the voucher back and is going to get something nice with it , and asked if I would mind. I txt her and said You are welcome .
There is a couple of things here , one is accepting the gift , as good as an apology , secondly back to doing stuff like preparing dinner etc , she still wants to be involved with the family.
Back later , just got to go scare those expectations away .
Its a fragile situation at best. She I think is scared that if she comes back then things will be the same as before , the very same fears that I have.
I have these same fears if things work out. I don't want the R that we used to have. Getting back together will be a lot of work also. It will take time and patience but at least both of you will be working towards one goal.
Dave, Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on this stuff. Things seem to be looking up. Keep up the good work. Remember to give her time and space and don't expect too much in return.
I sent her a Txt to thank her for preparing dinner for us ( yes shes back to AOS )
OK, you did one experiment on this one and it did not give the desired result. How about a new experiment, a 180 from your past.
For example, how did you previously acknowledge her cooking? If you always praised it, then that's nice, but maybe in a different way? If AOS is her LL, maybe do something nice for her? OR, if you know when she will come over and cook, get some flowers for the table the night before and put them out? If she stays for dinner you could offer to clean up while she eats with the kids?
Quote:
she still wants to be involved with the family.
Yep, but you can't let her see that you know that nor that you are hoping for it to happen. Cool as a cucumber!
Dave you are getting the hang of this, just know that there is still a lot to learn, about yourself as well. Make the most of this time to live and grow. It may be the best gift your W ever gave you!
SD
PS - If you can't tell, I am a bit jealous of you since I am stuck with W having her cake and eating it too!
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
SD, has come a long way in this process and certainly knows of what he speaks. Dave, great that your W is showing her LL. Now the hard part, what does the rabbit need to see outside of her hole to stay a little longer? I am glad the gift was finally received well. But what else might you be able to do to show her thank you for your AOS? I would guess this is the exact question you are pondering, but I have no clue how to answer other than ask again, because this is something that I am struggling with. What about a role reversal? She comes to cook, ask her switch roles, you cook and she relaxes with kids and takes care of clean up with the kids? Its kinda like asking her to stay.
Dave you are getting the hang of this, just know that there is still a lot to learn, about yourself as well. Make the most of this time to live and grow. It may be the best gift your W ever gave you!
I agree , I am learning every day , trying small things without doing anything that would be seen as too much pressure.
I kind of have a handle on where W is right now , due in some part to what she has said from time to time and from being observant.
Firstly I dont think she likes her current situation at all. She would like to come home but there are reasons she cant yet.
1 is she has not been able to forgive herself yet and will be very unsure of me and whether I am able to forgive her and not bring up her A everytime we argue. 2 Is getting back together for convenience a mistake. Can she find me attractive again? Will it last ?, can she trust herself ?
She dose not want me to move on right now , she has shown that , she wants some more time. With this there will be no guarantee because she has no idea right now herself of the answers.
My job is to give her time , get on with my life as best I can and try and build up that attraction.
Last thing I did was when she dropped D off , I could tell she was down due to issues at work. So that evening I txt her asking if she could handle a visiter. She txt back OK. So I called with chocolate and something to drink. Gave her the time to talk about what was on her mind. Worked out real well.
Today she will be spending some time here at home so if she stays for dinner , I will do something special.
I think that doing stuff she does not expect and not too frequently , try and get some fun back .
Firstly I dont think she likes her current situation at all. She would like to come home but there are reasons she cant yet.
1 is she has not been able to forgive herself yet and will be very unsure of me and whether I am able to forgive her and not bring up her A everytime we argue. 2 Is getting back together for convenience a mistake. Can she find me attractive again? Will it last ?, can she trust herself ?
She dose not want me to move on right now , she has shown that , she wants some more time. With this there will be no guarantee because she has no idea right now herself of the answers.
My job is to give her time , get on with my life as best I can and try and build up that attraction.
I think that is a great analysis, Dave -- you're always good at doing this!
Quote:
Last thing I did was when she dropped D off , I could tell she was down due to issues at work. So that evening I txt her asking if she could handle a visiter. She txt back OK. So I called with chocolate and something to drink. Gave her the time to talk about what was on her mind. Worked out real well.
I can imagine -- that sounded like a smart and thoughtful move on your part. Very well played, my friend!
Quote:
I think that doing stuff she does not expect and not too frequently , try and get some fun back .
