Poisoning the Well

[ediemarie]

Hi Bob - just a few thoughts:

The being thru hell comment I think scares me more than anything

Don't let that scare you! That needs to be celebrated. You have been through what appears to be the worst of this situation. You are in a better place. Your kids are in a better place. That is victorious!

A lot of posts were meant to be funny. Not sure that that always came thru.

This comes thru. You are a funny man. I find myself chuckling while reading.

I tried so hard to figure out what I was misunderstanding. Read a lot of books. That was how it started in my friends telling me to get in her head and change my approach. Own my own s**hit. Counselor and I tried so many approaches. In the end her comfort seemed to be it, but that comfort for her seemed to include her continued disregard, contempt, disdain, dishonesty, etc. towards me. Not owning her s**hit so to speak. Very confusing and hard to deal with. Kinda like her way or no way. Like above she refused MC/IC even when offered to use different counselors. Marriage didn't seem to a priority for her. Just her level of comfort.

This is the good part! This tells everything you went through. And I think it speaks volumes to your character.

"IMO, I don't think she's able to share anything with you at this point in time - including the kids." I don't think I understand this.

I honestly think that she isn't mentally/psychologically/spiritually/physically (pick one) capable to meet you on common ground on any issue. From what I've read about her, including what I've quoted above, her comfort is all she cares about. That's not reality. That's not adulthood. I don't have children. But I teach and I see first hand in my classroom on a daily basis the difference in the child that is neglected and not parented and the child that is. In order to raise children, especially the way YOU want them raised (healthy) the two of you have to be adults. You are capable of and are an adult. Your wife seems to be in a fog, or she is really ill. At this point it doesn't really matter which one because the behavior itself is damaging to your children. IMO, if you have 50/50 custody you are going to be battling over the kids and they are unwittingly going to get caught in a tug of war. It won't be intentional, but it seems like the potential is there for it to happen repeatedly. She wants what she wants, how she wants, when she wants it and that attitude draws the battle line.

Tell me more about the derogatory comments.

The comments weren't about your wife as much as they were about your marriage. Here is an example that I found really quickly. I know there are a few more, but didn't look long:

I had my ephinany today. I am done. She is dead to me.
Kaplooy. Burden was gone. It isn't my problem anymore. It is now solely and completly hers.
Kids know the truth. Friends, family, etc. I'm done. I've given her freedom. I've given all responsibility for her actions to her. These are now her consequences and hers alone.

I know that this was said in frustration, etc. My only point about comments like these is that if they live in your head for a long period of time, you could impart these feelings to your children about their mom. I wasn't trying to be judgemental, I was just trying to get you to evaluate what your children are hearing when they hear the tone in your voice, see your actions, etc. I do think you are getting that anger out here, and that is good. That's what it's for.

They (kids) didn't deserve this. If WW wants to raise hell with me, FINE. But she did this to them too. This so sux. They don't deserve this.

Absolutely! I so agree! And I think you are doing your best to protect them. That HAS to be your mantra!

I can build a better life for them.

You ARE building a better life for them. They know it. They will follow your example in loving your wife. If Dad says ok, it will be ok. If Dad says this sux, so will they.

You are a very dedicated person. I think that's wonderful. Keep doing what you are doing.

(and we all know, no matter what, we'd all take or spouses back - that goes without saying)