I'm gonna throw some things out here and I don't meant to offend. ---- There seems to be confusion on my choice to D. I will try to explain more fully:
I did not want this divorce. I did not want this divorce. I did not want this divorce. I did not want this divorce.
However,
There came a time when the boudaries were reiterated, expectations were re-clarified and consequences restated. Again. I drew my line in the sand for the last time. Again. She blatantly erased that line.
I'd done this before with her. And again. And again. And again.
My counselor and my closet confidant said that if I set boundaries and again she overstepped them, I could not let her escape the consequences. She could respect those boundaries and me or not. But she had to face the consequences of her actions.
We reached the point where the consequences would be D.
She overstepped them again. =D.
As my counselor said, "You didn't decide on divorce. She did". As such, it is what it is.
If she snapped could I R? Of course. As I have been forgiven, so I can forgive. ---- Why am I here? Why not. To learn and grow and to tell my tale and to hang with you all and maybe be helpful. And maybe. Maybe. Save my marriage. Probably not though. So what. I've learned and I grew and I'm here for the rest of you. Just like you have been for me.
Do I b**itch? Do I vent? Do I express feelings I'd never express in reality? Do I swear a lot? You betcha.
I don't think we're here to be "nice". We're in a war. And the battlefields are our marriages. War is ugly. War brings out the best and sometimes the worst in you. I think we're all doing pretty d*amn good under the circumstances.
I say this as I've had feedback stating concerns about my language and anger. I swear and at times I am angry. And bitter. So what. So are you.
Be careful not to hide or repress what you are feeling. If you can not admit and address those feelings they will kill you. You feel them because of this war. They are feelings, neither right, nor wrong. You have ever right to feel what you feel. And don't kid yourself that you don't feel them. I did. And I started to get sick. Don't get sick. Your families need you right now.
You want to vent here? I think that that is good thing. A good vent can often make the rest of us laugh cause we know how you feel. Or cry. But you may feel better. Better to vent at the actions and not the person whose done the actions. Better to do it here where people understand how you feel and not in the real world where you may take it out on your friends and loved ones. We understand. We are here with you. And for the same reasons. We understand. We feel your pain. We really feel your pain. ---- Some talk about being a man of faith. A bunch of us are. But we're starting to split hairs as to what that means. I'd advise to leave it alone.
I've seen many a reference and following of Jesus' Velvet side. Awesome. Don't forget his steel side. He is Velvet and Steel. He is a Healer and a Warrior.
I would say that as a man of faith, or a man, your called to lead your family. To protect them. To die for them if need be. Please keep that in mind during the fog of the battlefield. Do the right thing. And don't let getting tuff scare you. Your a man. It's your job. Your kids are watching. ---- Some talk about 180/LRT/Plan A/B.
Lots of quoting of Michele's books concerning above. Most of us are are in the middle of dealing with affairs.
IMHO, Acting As If, Cheese-less Tunnels, etc. are not exactly full out affair fighting material. Notice these chapters are before the affair stuff. I think this stuff is mostly for fixing an affair free marriage, not one in the middle of hell. Helpful yes, but not the main course. I liken this material to Plan A. But it's not the whole plan in dealing with an affair. It's the beginning. And if you R, maintenance.
Just a thought as I've felt that that is getting missed. I see a lot of folks applying these techniques to some very dire circumstances but kinda negating the things in the affair chapters. Namely NC with AP and LRT. ---- Thanks for letting me throw these thoughts out here. (They have been in my head and wanted to leave. ) BoBeLiNa
