I LOVE living alone

[forever21]

Thanks, HS. Nice post.

I'm home from a nice evening of good music. Have some things on my mind I wanted to get out. Just some thoughts, feelings, ramblings....

First, I want to say that I am not forgetting that there is another side to the story of my M. I always try to think of what my H's position is too. I just don't know if he deserves for me to give him another chance. He may not be after that, I just feel I need to be prepared... as that is what has been the pattern. I have my doubts he will be good enough for me. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but in the past I think I might've been settling and I have no plan to continue doing that. I defintely have more confidence and strength to look out for me than I ever have, so I am not too fearful of making a bad decision.

I have always been hard on myself and looked at my own flaws and mistakes, then decided that we are probably on the same level and that I should stick it out with him. I very often thought I deserved better, but I'm guessing I just didn't actually believe it. Besides being a martyr, I always just wanted to live the dream of being great, lifetime partners with the man I married. It's hard to just shut him down and move on. It's never been me. I have become much stronger over the last several months. I need to again thank him for this opportunity. I have learned to be loyal to myself. I have learned to truly love myself.

A HUGE part of what has contributed to me staying in this M, I believe, is this very growth. I have always been grateful for the growth that these hard times bring me, and had faith that we were both growing in ways we needed to. I had always chose to believe it was what was meant to be. I'd look at how much I grew, and figure I must've really needed that so my M will benefit now. And there's no doubt I needed to grow, but that never ends. I want a partner who offers the commitment I do, and I haven't felt like my H does. He would try to tell me I was asking for too much, but I see I wasn't asking for enough.

I have to say that my H also comes across stronger right now, so I will give it a little time and see just how much he may've grown. A crazy way of achieving it, but you never know and I prefer not to judge.

I'm so thankful to have this forum and community to share this stuff with. It really helps us keep things real.

I guess it's not such a bad habit, or pattern to repeat... giving my M another shot. I just want to be mindful not to repeat those habits that haven't served me well in the past.

Peace and love. f21