I don't think it is good idea to base your opinion to separate or not, from statistics or research. How many of the people (the 80% number that is being thrown around) even tried to get back together or used DBing techniques or what ever form to try to save their marriage or did they both just blame each other and think the other one should be trying to work it out. Bottom line is. Each needs to do what they think is best for themselves. IMO, if you give your R all you can and you do everything in your power, honestly do everything in your power to try to reconcile or make it work, then there are no regrets. You were not defeated, you did not loose, you were not concord. You were just faced with someone that absolutely did not want to try or be back with you. You move on.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Is this recommended to give to the WAW? Prolly W may throw it out in the trash.
Originally Posted By: NikkiB
MissingMyHoney - unless you are currently reconciling, no way would I give her that book.
As NikkiB stated if she is not currently reconciling, then no. It would be like giving her Divorce Remedy to read. But, if she wants to work things out and is thinking about getting back together, them absolutely. It will help you to make your "NEW" relationship stronger & better then ever.
I just started reading it again today for the second time.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Ok, couple things. Almost thought about calling her therapist and see what her opinion is on the separation. I know the therapist. We used to go to her for our pre-marital. Anyhow, after much struggling I decided not to call her. Probably a bad idea right?
So now. The wife is out visiting friends tonight and won't be at the in-laws tonight. Do you guys think it's ok for me to call the MIL and just chat? I just want to make sure that she doesn't think I'm just awful in this entire thing. I haven't exactly been communicative to her over the years. My desire is not to have her influence the W or intervene in this. But I just want her to understand what's going on and what I'm trying to do. Or at least for me to start in the direction of making an effort in actually connecting with her....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Ah well, I called the MIL. Had a good chat. She was very supportive. She does mention that she has told the W that she really need to think about the kids and that she should keep the family together. Guess I should make an effort in calling the MIL more often. It's good that the W has not mentioned anything in regards to a D to the MIL. Just said she needs some time to think and sort things out. Although I don't like the fact that the W told the MIL don't expect many presents this xmas. That would be true if we aren't together anymore. I guess the W is quite confused. But I do believe that maybe some time by herself w/o me being around to help out may get her thinking that being by herself ain't so nice. At least talking to the MIL makes me feel quite a bit better. I swear, Dom R I know you mean well and you feel very strongly about this separation thing, but you are seriously killing my PMA big time! :P
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
DaveJ, my advice would be not to cal the MIL. Woops to late for that. The MIL is your W's support group. You are invading her space and accessing her allies and comes across as manipulation on your part. I know that would not go over well with my W.
The C could be touchy. If you wife did not know then I say go for it (see reason above). She would be able to maybe offer you some much needed advice, but it could back fire on you.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I decided not to with the C. I'm sure the C will say conflict of interest and not tell me anything. When in doubt don't do it right?
The MIL was very supportive. She said that she will not tell the W that I called and I am welcome to call any time to talk to her. I think I will take her up on that and call her regularly from now on. I do need all the support I can get and I do need to connect better with the MIL since I haven't made an effort in doing that in the past. Heck, I need to connect better with my parents as well. Just something I need to do to improve myself. I don't want the MIL to influence the W in anyway that's projected by me. And I know the ILs are pretty hands off and trust their daughter to her judgement. If the MIL has something to say on her own by all means. Otherwise, I am just trying to be a better SIL and be closer to my ILs. It sure doesn't hurt.
Well, looks like the W called 3x tonight. I went out by myself to see Harry Potter and then went to the bookstore. Forgot my cell phone at home. So I accidentally did the "unavailable" thing. :P Probably good for me and she can see that I'm GAL and not sitting there and waiting for her call. I do regret not going to see a comedy instead. The movie is quite dark and gave me unexplained anxieties at times. Uck! BTW Nugget, can't find the book you suggested even though the bookstore supposedly had it. They'll order it for me. Meanwhile I need to read DB and DM.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Has anyone experienced this before? During the day I have a lot of anxiety and have issues to focus at work. But at night I am perfectly at peace. This is very strange....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I think talking to the MIL was a very good idea. You are part of the family and you need to strengthen your family ties. Well done. While it is important not to cry, beg, manipulate, etc. to get back in your wife's good graces, it is equally important to show that you care deeply about the outcome, and want to participate in decisions made regarding your life and your family. Building relationships is a good way to go.
Has anyone experienced this before? During the day I have a lot of anxiety and have issues to focus at work. But at night I am perfectly at peace. This is very strange....
DaveJ, I am the same way. I am sure that this is what it is for me. If I am awake and I know the W is awake then I am anxious. Things are going through my head 100 miles an hour. Will she call? If she does, what will she say? Did she get my email? If she did will she respond? What is she thinking today? What is my next move? Should I do this or should I do that? Etc., etc., etc.. Then when I know she is asleep I am calm and more at peace. DO YOU THINK I NEED GAL. LMAO!!! I am seriously like you and need to get out and find something to keep my brain busy. Need to occupy it with something else besides my R.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Dave, I am the opposite. I have waves of anxiety in the day but the nights are the worst if H is out. Then my imagination kicks in and sleep is the last thing I can do. What do you do at night to be so at peace?
Nugget - you do need to GAL and focus on yourself more. It's easier said than done at first but it eventually eases the pain and keeps the thoughts at bay.
