I just scanned back over some of your postings to your thread. Sorry I didn't read the whole thing, but bare with me. This might be a little direct, but I would rather help you then just give you "coated" answers.
First off, do you really want this to work? I so you have to do something very important for yourself. YOU MUST FORGIVE. Not primarily for him, but for you. If you don't do this you will get stuck in this self destructive rut. Your probably saying easy for him to say. No, it's not. If you look through some of my threads you will see that this is my second time through this pain. This time I am lucky, it was only an EA and I have the books and this web site. Last time it was a PA and I had nothing but the hurt, the disappointment and the long up hill battle.
What seems to be still a factor this time is that W feels that I will never truly forgive her. I learned shortly after the PA, as the whole thing was tearing me apart was that if I was going to survive and or marriage to go forward, I would have to forgive and let it go. What I think we're running into now is the fact that W made the same type of mistake and she really hasn't forgiven herself. Of course when thing came out this time, I really questioned if W had really meant what she said, or had really repented of what she did last time. Unfortunately, I vocally questioned. So now I too have to work hard for her to see a purpose to stay.
So, I read that your H is sorry and trying the best that he can. You are far ahead than most people here. Some here would die for a W/H who would at least make the effort, or at least be willing to make an effort. If he is doing counseling, get your butt in there too. Yes you are scared. Certainly this is going to be a tall hill to climb. But if you don't get/keep this going in the right direction, you might not have the chance later. H will figure you will never forgive him, so what's the use of staying.
35 years is a long time. I'm sure this hurts like nothing else and you are just reeling from the pain. But if you don't do this now, this will be the story for the rest of your life. If things go as bad as they might, you will never be able to fix it. So get up, forgive and let this bring you together instead of tearing you apart. If your H is truly sorry, he might put more of an effort into you M than he ever did in the past.
Here's on little tip to help you get through the long days. Get some of the old letter and cards that H gave to you back before any of this happened to you. Now when you read this, do not think of the A, just back then and now. Think of how much effort he is putting in and think of how things will be better when this is all over. Find something that gives you a warm feeling about your relationship and build from there.
