EM,

The being thru hell comment I think scares me more than anything. Heard that so many times. I think for to long I under played my sitch. That is part of why I started to post. I kept hearing how bad my life was. Ouch and wow. Perspective and objectivity does change everything. ;\) And then I heard more. A lot more. LOL.

1-I'd started counseling to learn to better serve her and to save the marriage. I learned alot, changed alot, grew alot. I started my posts after I/we filed for divorce. At the time I still hoped to R. I filed as these were the consquences laid out for her crossing certain boundaries, including, continued dishonesty and refusing MC/IC.

Rollercoaster mania at the time. Maybe the worst it had ever been in retrospect. As in Plan B, boundaries were crossed and consequences had to be dealt with and trying to protect whatever love I had left for her from leaving me altogether. A lot of posts were meant to be funny. Not sure that that always came thru.

I tried so hard to figure out what I was misunderstanding. Read a lot of books. That was how it started in my friends telling me to get in her head and change my approach. Own my own s**hit. Counselor and I tried so many approaches. In the end her comfort seemed to be it, but that comfort for her seemed to include her continued disregard, contempt, disdain, dishonesty, etc. towards me. Not owning her s**hit so to speak. Very confusing and hard to deal with. Kinda like her way or no way. Like above she refused MC/IC even when offered to use different counselors. Marriage didn't seem to a priority for her. Just her level of comfort. Understandable to a degree but as above, WTF(lack) ( ;\) ).

I think that at this time my understanding is leading to some deeper seated issue. Counselor believed she had no absolutes in her mind. He tried awfully hard to get something, anything out of her to work with. It was weird. She was really defiant and nasty and self-righteous and absolutely uncooperative. Kinda like talking to the Devil (?). It just wasn't right. Kinda sickening. Just, I don't know what to say. And that was my wife sitting there. Just, wow.

2-Started to document again. I'd destroyed my original notebooks in an act of reconcilliation. Ouch.

"IMO, I don't think she's able to share anything with you at this point in time - including the kids." I don't think I understand this.

3-Tell me more about the derogatory comments. I was trying to be funny sometimes. That confuses me as a couple friends have mentioned that they've not heard me slam her. And I'm like, "Are you sure?".

I do vent here and say things I'd not say in real life. And in ways I'd not normally do. Thank you for understanding. I do feel safe talking crazy here. I don't mean to scare or offend anyone. I just feel safe here venting and blowing of steam so that I don't do it in reality. I understand that freaks some people out. I hope they understand the pressure is going to released someway and this is probably the least damaging. I can only lift so many weights and exercise so much before it kills me. ;\) I hope they can see the humor I try to interject also.

The kids keep telling me I'm a great dad and that they feel safe with me. That I'm good to them. Don't lie etc. Honestly, that confuses me. Don't know why. Maybe cause they offer that? Then again maybe they have learned by seeing me appreciate others including them and their mom verbally. My wife has been treated like a princess through out this. Really. Honestly. I tried hard to set the example for my girls. How a lady is treated. And now that they know the truth, maybe they can see that dad loved and treated mom with dignity and respect even as mom was doing what she was doing. Maybe. Maybe not. Hopefully it shows them how to expect to be treated in a positive way.

Whew... You post is getting me going !!! Woo Hoo...

4-Thank-you. I have had a lot of guidance. It took a long time and a hard look at possible consequences of telling them, before I told them anything. When DD12 said, "Don't ever not tell us again", I knew I did the right thing. Now I'm tearing again, Jeepers... She looked so f**cking vulnerable and betrayed. I'm so sorry. Every-time I think of that moment it KILLS me. They didn't deserve this. If WW wants to raise hell with me, FINE. But she did this to them too. This so sux. They don't deserve this.

Anyways... Crying break over.

5-Unfortunate, but true. I think my kids deserve a better mom than this. I would really hope that if I ever send to her the comments about her raising her brother, one of two things would happen. She gets it together, or follows her own advice.

6-I think it only matters now because of the kids exposure to her and her world. Unfortunate, but true. Hence the kids deserve better. It's not for me to judge but I am called on to protect. And I honestly feel that their mom's world will and can damage them. I see what mom's chaos does to someone. I see her and her siblings and how they've ended up and I'm very concerned for my kids. I can build a better life for them. And I can guide them. But they will still be exposed to that other world. As a thought would you like your kids hanging out with my wife and her family, especially if you weren't there? No disrespect intended. ;\)

p.s. nothing offends me now, especially here. I know that you all have my and my family's best interests in mind. And that is very comforting and reassuring. I trust you guys. And you've earned it.

p.s.s. if she had her epiphany, between you guys and me, shhhhh.... of course I could R. Not to get all churchy on you. But Theo is on the money. As I can be forgiven, I can forgive. ;\)
BoB