And you think you screwed up - BACK AGAIN

[mkultra]

Hi Kiki, I am happy that you are well. Do you visit the Piecing boards because I would lik eto see the hope as I am pretty done. Take care. KIT.

[kikisum]

just thought i'd check back in and offer a bit of hope for everyone that is either at the beginning of this process or a year in.

i can't tell you how many times i wanted to throw in the towel. my H and I have separated 8 times within the past 2 years, 6 of those times occuring within the past 6 months. i DB'd my ass off. i forgave and turned a blind eye. i finally let go, really let go with the knowledge that i would be ok, with or without him and that i truly cannot control anything but my own actions. it was not until i did this that my H came back, all the way.

now we are struggling with the imbalance that DBing can cause. if you've been the one taking the blame for everything in order to save your marriage, after enough time, the other person is bound to buy into your screwing the whole thing up, even though it ALWAYS takes two to get into this spot.

what this whole process has taught me, however, is that after seeing the junkyard of love, after seeing the truly ugly parts of each others personalities, if you can still come together and choose to love each other, you really can make it through anything.

just some thoughts. thought i'd open up my thread for questions or advice, if you are where i've been; separation, infidelity, emotional neglect, children in separation, ideas for doing 180's, or if you just need encouragement. i will not pretend to know everything, but feel i've gained a bit of insight and if i can help others like i've been helped, then i'm happy to do it.

[OldFool]

now we are struggling with the imbalance that DBing can cause. if you've been the one taking the blame for everything in order to save your marriage, after enough time, the other person is bound to buy into your screwing the whole thing up, even though it ALWAYS takes two to get into this spot.

It's good you mentioned this, because I think it is an issue that holds the potential for tripping up a lot of folks. While my situation isn't such that it's an issue (we've never gotten to that point), I have often considered this aspect and wondered how one gets beyond it.

As you quite correctly state, after some time has passed and the pattern of "It's all your fault" has become established, it begins to take on the aspect of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The person assigning blame may begin to actually convince themselves of their complete "innocence" and the person to whom blame is assigned may begin to feel that it is warranted (a kind of marital Stockholm syndrome, as it were). In that kind of scenario, the question becomes, "How can we move beyond this successfully?"

But perhaps even more important, I wonder how many injured people (victim of WAS, EA/PA, etc.) don't have the heart to really try and put things back together because all they see...and I think it's a legitimate concern...is a lifetime of taking all the blame and responsibility, biting their tongue, and having to, in general, just sit there and "take it".

While that is often what has to happen in the beginning, you can't rebuild a relationship on it over the long haul and I think for many, the question becomes, "When does the blame game stop?" I don't believe most folks know either how the transition works (I know I don't) or when/if it comes and it doesn't seem to be talked about much in these forums (maybe in "Piecing...." and I've missed it).

I'll be looking forward to your updates and any light you can shed on this important aspect of reconciliation.

[theotherhalf]

kiki,

Congrats on your sitch! I am so happy for you and your family...

If you get a moment (or longer) could you read my sitch...

Any insight in what you think?

Thanks and God Bless,
TOH

[fish]

Excellent!

The balance of power will take time to shift. Be patient, it's worth it.

[rysmom]

hi kiki,
your message really gave me hope. My H has been having an A for at least a year. He moved back home for 7 weeks but left again on wed. because he still had his apt. and a phone there. I went over there and snooped and saw ow had been calling there 3x a day. and I kept asking him to unplug the phone but he said no and moved out again. My son and I are sad about this. this is the third time he moved back home but left again. He said ow who has had her own apt for 2 mos. is going back to her H. My H says he isnt seeing her anymore. I feel like he has no love for me anymore.
I know I have to get a job and stop bothering him and focus on my own life. today is my birthday and i called him before and said what did you whisper to my son on Fri. He said "what I got you for your birthday you freakin pain". I know he just wants me to leave him alone. but I find it difficult because I have to GAL.
He owns his own business and is really busy with that and doesnt think about us. He is a workaholic.

[mkultra]

Thank you Kiki for having the compassion to help others in this common situation. I think DBers are a different breed of people altogether. I have seen so many folks throw in the towel because of pride or family pressure. I am probably one of those people . I also fel guilt about contributing to the downfall of our marriage but I cannot hold out hope that my husband will ever be able to let go of his new found perversions. I am sure people get tired of that life , I just mean he will feel too lost and guilty. I guess DB may have showed him a safer happier path home but I suspect peer pressure, depression and a bit of substance abuse just excacerbated our sitch.

BUT I am happier. I feel like a single mom now.

Rys, I am sorry about your sitch. I heard that an affair is highly addictive and because I have never and would never choose that I find it hard to relate too. BUT I picture that it may be the same feeling I get when I try to give up on my Marriage. Maybe that is the same feeling they have. Maybe affairs appear more passionate to the wayward spouse but in reality these Rs need to burn out a natural death. My H is going on Month 8 of his affair that no one thought would last more than three months. I hear he is extremely smothering of his OW.

[kikisum]

affairs are extremely hard to deal with, espcially when your spouse believes that they are doing nothing wrong. my H believed that because we were separated, this made it ok to have a full blown relationship, even though he was persistant in telling me that he was unsure if our marriage was over or not and my H and i continued to be physically intimate.

i think what is so attractive is the fact that the new person is being everything that they want them to be. it's light. it's easy, it's everything marriage is not. it is so very true that they need to die a natural death; if your spouse is unready to give up the other person, even if it is to try to save the marriage, i GUARANTEE the other person will come back into the picture in one way or another. they have to see that the relationship with the OP is not all it's cracked up to be, and definately not worth throwing their family away.

what i've found most difficult about this is what it's done to my self esteem. i think about her often as we live in the same town. i worry. i am a very attractive woman, however, this has left me feeling inadequate and self-concious, like i can easily be replaced.

OF- i am unsure of how to deal with this imbalance. i've started by making a clear list in my mind of what is definately not acceptable behavior. most of the stuff you can let go, when this is not the case, i take a stand with no room for discussion.

[StupidRomeo2]

Kiki, hang in there. I know exactly what you're saying. I'm hopeful that time heal the pain of the OP's involvement. I still struggle to understand if my wife realizes my true value, my commitment and my sacrifices over the last 2 years or if she thinks that it was no big deal for her to walk away and then decide to come back. I guess time will tell for now just do fun things together, bring back some spice in your life, go camping, picnics etc...that's what I'm trying to do.

[sgctxok]

kiki....thanks for coming back and sharing!