Bob - you really have been through hell and I feel for you. This situation really sucks. You really seem to have tried to make things better and I can hear the desire to make your marriage work in your posts. It's palpable.
I do have a couple of observations.
1) I noticed that you were kinda all over the place in your posts - and I KNOW that a lot of that is because of the roller coaster of emotions. I just feel like you never really had a defined goal. That you never really had the goal of saving your marriage or of leaving it. Theo referenced that in one of his posts to you and you said you were kinda here for both. I don't think that one can save their marriage unless they are 100% dedicated to doing so. This 100% dedication would mean that one would have to try and understand where their spouse was coming from. I know your wife wasn't honest with you or forthcoming with information, but I didn't really hear you saying you were trying to understand her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to accept her actions, but in order to move on you will HAVE to understand her and where she was/is coming from. Perhaps you have tried and just haven't expressed that?
2) You mentioned that a friend said your wife is going through the motions of C just to gain full custody of the kids. Please make sure you are documenting everything. I would also think that you would want 100% custody. Is it possible for you to do that? Keep in mind that just because you have custody does not mean they can't have a relationship. IMO, I don't think she's able to share anything with you at this point in time - including the kids.
3) You have made a few derogatory remarks about your W in your posts. I'm not trying to be critical about this, but I must admit that when I read them I was taken aback. These comments are not indicative of someone that is interested in loving his W and rekindling a relationship with her. I know that these boards are used to vent and if it's how you feel and this is the only place you can say it, then so be it, I guess I'm just curious to know if this anger you are keeping inside about your W is coming across to your kids in subtle ways that you might not be aware of.
4) As much as this is painful for your kids, they are kids. They don't get to decide what they get told about adult relationships. Your 12 year old can handle more than your 8 year old, but at the same time, they shouldn't know all the sordid details about what has gone on or how 1 parent feels about the other. You have done a wonderful job in getting them back on an even keel. You have not gone the easy route on this one at all, and their health and well being is to your credit. Protect your children from this mess as much as you can.
5) This woman will ALWAYS be in your life. She is not going away. Even after you are divorced she will be there. You will see her at graduations, at birthday parties, at weddings, and you will probably be seated in close proximity to her. She is the mother of your children. She will ALWAYS be in your life in some capacity. Your children will ALWAYS speak of their mother. Likwise, you will ALWAYS be in the life of your wife. Whether she likes it or not, she will ALWAYS hear your children speak of you. Make sure your words, actions, thoughts are of kindness for her - yes, even after all she has done - your children need love, and kindness and peace, thought about and acted upon by both their parents.
6) In regard to your wife being ill - I have no idea. I don't like that she can't come clean about the stuff that's already out there. It seems odd. Her behavior is indicative of so many things and so many things have been mentioned. But, does it matter? Does it really matter if she's ill? By all accounts, she lied in C when she went with you, she's probably lying now. She doesn't appear capable to maintain healthy relationships on any level. But that's all a moot point, really because she's not the one willing or trying to get help. You can't force her to get help or fix the problem with her. She has to - not you. Does her illness change anything? Not really, except that it's all the more reason for you to show her kindness, love, strength, and acceptance.
Bob, I give you all the credit in the world for making it as far as you have in this horrible situation. Life is not easy for you, by any means. Your children have a remarkable father and you will be blessed because of your actions.
Hang in there Bob! I'll keep reading your posts and touch base when I can.
Em
p.s. please don't be offended by anything I've written. It wasn't meant to hinder your progress...
Last edited by ediemarie; 08/25/0704:29 AM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
