Check this out also. It is located here: http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=179388&AP=1 ---------- Yes, that's what compartmentalizing is - wearing different masks for different compartments. And it's accurate to also point out that your husband probably isn't aware of this aspect of compartmentalizing. However, your husband is an adult who knows the difference between deliberately lying and being honest. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous. The only way to break down the compartments in your husband's life is for him to become honest - probably for the first time ever.
It's not impossible, just extremely uncomfortable for your husband. It's his choice, and your counselor should not put the idea in his head that honesty is an impossibility or that lies are ok. You do not have to accept the status quo, and if this counselor doesn't know how to handle someone who spent their life segmenting things into compartments - find one who does.
It's not just you - anyone that wouldn't knowingly support a WS's infidelity is going to be cast in an authoritarian role. My husband did this to his close friends who (while they didn't then know about his cheating) wouldn't support such behavior. He avoided them, told them not to tell him what to do.
A person who is extremely uncomfortable with who they are manages their discomfort with masks. When in the presence of someone who would disapprove of their behavior (like their BS) - pretense and deception are the masks.
Casting you in the authoritarian role gives them something to rebel from (they don't realize they are rebelling from their own integrity - that would require self accountability). But they still want to preserve everyone's good opinion - so they lie to the people who would disapprove (to preserve the mask).
While in the affair - they get to wear the mask of "sexy, desirable, in control, the wronged one, misunderstood, justified, hot, interesting, exciting, etc etc". When one is desperately trying to run from the reality of what one has become, that's a pretty powerfully attractive mask.
Often, there is a "work mask", a "mask around friends", a "mask around the opposite sex", a "mask around the affair partner", a "mask for family" - sooner or later all of these masks are going to create real indentity issues. The masks have to stop - and that requires honesty. First and foremost with himself.
Thanks again DL for your amazing insight. --------- These are the knda things I'd been dealing with, hence I believe people suggesting that WW issues were more serious that I'd thought. BoB
