Poisoning the Well

[ediemarie]

Hey Bo -
My Dad had his first affair when I was in my mid teens. I don't know alot of the details from my parent's POV because we've never discussed it. And I don't remember alot, but I do remember my mother being ridiculously upset ALL THE TIME and my father being neglectful of us all (Mom, me and 2 brothers). However, my mother made it very clear to me that I was to show my Dad the utmost respect and obedience because he was my Dad. I had opinions about his behavior and my Mom's point was that it didn't matter what opinions I had about how he treated her he was still my Dad.

I believe my Mom did the right thing. My Dad and I have a fairly great relationship today and while I'm not happy about his actions, and I don't have all the respect in the world for him, my Mom was right in encouraging our relationship. And I do value the relationship I have with him today because of who he is. He also managed to pull himself together and I credit my Mom for reminding me that their problems are their problems.

It doesn't really matter if your W communicates her love to your Ds by buying them things - your D's will take care of that relationship on their own. While having the A, my Dad used to hand me money like he was Donald Trump and I knew then, and I know now, that he was doing it out of guilt or to ease his conscience, not because he wanted to show me how much he loved me. I took the monehy for awhile but then realized how much Mom was DOING, not GIVING, and I began to refuse his money. That was hard for HIM, not me, but understand that he needed to hear the refusal from ME. My Mom tried to tell him, he just couldn't hear it from her.

I don't know what you do about D8 - that's tough. I would hate for her to think that it's ok to not associate with her Mom. That's detrimental to both parties, but forcing her doesn't seem right either. Perhaps you could speak to her about how much her Mother was happy to have her, how excited the prospect of adding her to the family was, how much her Mom loves her. Perhaps that would encourage her to go see her. She needs her mom. If not today, then in years to come and it would be awful if this situation (no matter whose fault it is) prevents a positive relationship of any kind down the line.

Just some thoughts...
em