You may be right about reading through the old posts...I am just looking to build up my PMA to withstand the onslaught, you know? (And I minored in English--happy now that I didn't get certified in it, as friends of mine have an average of 3--4 hours of homework/correcting papers each night!)
Any other time, I know who I am, what I want out of life, and what kind of person I am and want to be. I bet that many here would find it hard to believe that I was actually a pretty self-confident woman before my M imploded. What I discovered early on, though, was that it was a false sense of security based on my being co-dependent (enmeshed, OT?) with H. When that was ripped away, I thought that all that I was and had done would fall apart and never be again.
Would my path have been different without H? Sure. But I am a good Mom, a caring person toward family, friends and people in general, an artist, a life-long student, a teacher, a writer, etc...all of these things are independent of whether H was/is in my life. I can see it, now, and with it a good future. Things will be different without the extra set of hands around (there have been a very few times when scheduling was more challenging, but I am SO glad that the kids are older--I feel so much for those of us who go through this with babies!!). The biggest practical thing that is getting to me is 1) not being able to help S fix his bike (I would have brought it to the repair shop, but H said he would fix it), and 2) I haven't found a way to trim the 400' of hedges in the yard--yet!
I miss the part of my life that I had with H, but realize that it had been lacking for a while, now, even though his pretending and our busy schedules kept my focus away from it while we were going through it.
I have been the reluctant DBer--knowing in my head what must be done, but having a hard time getting my emotions in check. So, another lesson learned, another goal to set.
So, I'm collecting positive observations about myself--from within and from others ;0) I know that I am so much more than the current picture that H has ingrained in his head. It will be his loss.
